>Just proof Im Not Crazy….

>

I want you to keep in mind during all of these emails I was with my Husband at the time and he was living with me 6 days out of the week. Even if he broke up with me, He was still sleeping over all the time and promising me “we would work” and blah blah blah……

You can see where G1 tried to come back into the picture. Also how he reads all of his emails except MINE. The porn is normal except i have 10 other emails that look like that with in a months time frame. Seriously the internet is free…..
Tim asks me why i save everything, the good and the bad. I answered by telling him, i keep them for two reasons. One because whether good or bad its ALL a part of my life and has brought me to where I am now and Second because when you insists on making me feel like im some crazy psycho bitch, i can pull these out and assure myself that i am not the one with the problem nor am I crazy.

>Neither here Nor There

>Ive been reading some of my past blogs and its occurred to me that i harbor a lot of anger in my heart towards people in my life. This is not good nor is it something i pride myself in. I guess i change my mind on a day to day basis about how i feel and how i allow myself to feel.
I really dont hate tims family and I know they do not have bad hearts or meant to be as judgemental as they were, i think im just wanting to place the blame on someone for tims selfishness and egotistical ways. I want to think that my husband treats me like crap because his parents did something horrible to him and he has a hard time being nice to people now. I would feel better if that was the case but it is not. My husband is mean to me. Hes mean to me because i allow it.
This is not the fault of his mother (who is not selfish what so ever) and this is not the teachings of his father.
Where is it, that tim learned it was okay to treat the his wife like crap while showcasing how well he treats others..
i hate my life. i wish someone would rescue me. Today tim told me that he didnt want to work on our marriage and last week he told me he is not interested in me. He said he hasnt been interested in me and is not. This “tim” reminds me of the tim he use to be back when he was bouncing from girl to girl. Speaking of the old tim i should continue on with my story, o God, I mean my Life

Later that week I also had to find out that the girl who gave him NGU, was also a girl I worked with at the same club. What a slap in the face it was to find out he was dating another stripper from the club I worked at. Secretly for an instant I found happiness in knowing she gave him the STD, but the thought quickly turned to depression when I saw her hanging pictures of him in her locker.

Continued
It was at this point I left that club and decided to work as a bartender at another. During this time, Tim continued to show little remorse for his actions while away from me but as soon as he would come over it was  always the same, Great Sex followed by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Its hard for me to remember every little detail considering it was years ago and because there have been so many events.
Oh, but yes I remember, me trying to be strong one night and confront Tim on how he was treating the OTHER WOMEN, and told him it wasnt FAIR TO THEM and that he needed to call (at the time it was Briana) and “tell her you are back with your ex and end it.”. I remember he got on the phone in front of me and dumped her! Just like that, he dumped her! He said “Briana, im back with Chanel and I cant see you anymore”. I remember hearing her mention something about his clothes through the phone and the last thing he said to her was, “you can keep them or ship them back to me”.!!!
After this came the great night of appreciation. Tim was in a Terrible car accident and half of the skin on his face hung down his nose. He was rushed to emergency where they stitched back his skin and asked him to call someone to pick him up. He could have called anyone that night. His sister, mother, father, anyone, but he didnt, he called me. As i rushed over to be by his side i remember him crying tell me how sorry he was about the way he treated me and how he didnt appreciate me and that he would never be mean to me again because no one else would ever love him now because of his “Frankinstein” Scar. I tucked him in bed that night wishing and hoping things would be different and almost thanked God for that scar, but I was no fool. I knew he would eventually find out that “scars on men are cool” and as soon as i thought the thought, He was back again sticking his dick where ever he could.
I hacked into his email to find he had fucked a girl on MYSPACE, banged a girl he met one night at Tracys, and other attempts that i will never know if they were finalized.
One night I wait by tims dads house parked in front of his window. I just had this interesting, uneasy feeling in my stomach. I had had it all day, it started when Tim made love to me. It was romantic and his thrusts were almost meaningful. He stopped and looked at me in the eyes and held me tightly. At that point my eyes teared up until they rolled down my cheeks. He asked me “Whats wrong?, Why are you crying”. I remember specifically word for word what i answered
“Im just sad because I know even though your with me now, you’re not really mine”
His eyes for a split moment seemed to feel sorry for me, but he quickly held me tight and continued to make love to me.
I know it was God that gave me the uneasy feeling i felt because that night I parked in front of his house to find him rolling up behind me with a girl in the passanger side. He looked like a dear in Headlights. He must have asked her to stay in the car because she didnt move and he rushed over to my car and asked me “What the hell are you doing Chanel?”
“What the hell am I doing?, I think you mean what the FUCK are you doing?”
“We’re not together Chanel”
 “Really? then why did i sleep over last night and why did you have sex with me today?, As a matter of fact does she know we had sex 8 hours ago?”
 I wasnt dumb and I knew acting the way i felt would get me no where and i had only one chance to make a point. I got out of my car, walked over to her side and politely said, ” Hi my name is Chanel, Im Tims girlfriend, Im not mad at you because im sure he didnt tell you that he was a dog, but just know, we did have sex today.”
I barely got the end of the sentence out before he jumped back in the truck and took off speeding down his street. That night i thought i was going to kill myself. I thought about it, but I couldn’t do it. I was so addicted to him, killing myself would do nothing to bring me closer to him. I left our scrapbook on his bench that night and the next morning i made sure to hack into his cell phone and retrieve her number. I explained everything nicely and told her it was up to her to decide if she wanted to go through with it. She was smart and didnt call tim back. I found out he had been dating her for 3 weeks.
Things got weird around my house and i felt as if he was bringing women into my domain. I hid tape recorders and video cams and I didnt know what was worse at the time, the fact that Tim would instantly jack off to anything he could get his hands on or that he would do it even after having sex with me 3 times that day. He would find different ways to do it to. Ways that made me feel inadequate and it started to make sense as to why he couldn’t stay hard all the time.

During this time he never helped me pay rent or pay the bills. I supported us both. I dont remember much after that except spending holidays by myself and my 21st birthday alone, drunk, in my bathroom. I wanted him there so bad. But he didnt care. Tim has always been too selfish to care about anyone else but himself. One good thing that comes out of this quality is you dont have to question his intentions, becuase its always to benefit HIMSELF. If hes spending time with me i didnt question if he was there because he felt sorry for me, i knew it was because he wanted to be there and when he was bored, he left. I know i have blanked out a lot of episodes to make room for new ones. BUT i remember when our lives forever changed.
I started going to church and quit working at the club all together. My father hired me as an office manager and I became more confident knowing he couldnt imagine me beneath him any longer. I remember God telling me I couldnt have sex with Tim anymore and one day he came over and I told him we were going to make love one last time because i wasnt having sex until i was married. I dont think he believed me but as we had sex he started to cry. His tears were a surprise to me and i cried too. I think we both actually beleived maybe this time was it.
I stayed in tims life for a couple of weeks, befriending him and trying to keep him company. At least thats what i told him when actually i was hoping he would break and ask me back.
One night i came over after work and he just looked like shit to me. He was playing video games and when i came in, he looked happy to see me. I put on a mixed cd i burned for him and Tim started to cry again. I asked him what was wrong and held him and he said
“Im so Alone”, “Im just so lonely”
I will never forget that. I asked him to come to church with me and 3 weeks later during alter call Tim stood up and walked himself to the stage and gave his life to the LORD. I balled my eyes out because just a week earlier i explained to my mother who had asked me if i was seriously considering getting back with Tim, that God would not allow me to be with  someone who didnt believe in the Lord. So my mother and I were both shocked watching Tim get Saved.

The post will seem much different from this point because Tim was different and I was too. It was like a weight was lifted. Life was good, but not perfect. Tim threw out over 50 porno videos he had hidden in his bedroom on his own, confessed certain things to me I had not known and was actually starting to be the man i had always imagined he was. Everything was going great until one night
 Tim doesnt come home. Dinner is cold and i have tried to call several times. I give up and fall asleep to be woken up in the middle of the night. Its Tim, who tells me he decided to go to a strip club, my old club. I think out of shock i flew off the handle because we were doing so well. But not until 6 months ago did i find out that was a lie. He actually met a girl at one of his events and took her on a date and he says they only made out. I dont believe him since hes an habitual liar but 3 years later it doesnt matter.
Next Tim proposes to me and 3 months into the engagement Tim leaves for Utah for work and I hack into his email to find that he posted a classifieds add in Craigslist. The add read;
“Looking for a good time, No strings attached.”
This hurt me badly because it was in plain view that he was a dog. Trying to cheat on a woman he proposed to and was about to make his wife. He also spent over a 100 dollars of his companies money in Internet porn webcaming and i watched from states away my fiance pay for conversation with a naked woman touching herself instead of calling me….

>One Month today….

>Today my husband and I celebrate one month of living separately, if you want to call it that. At first our plans had been to be separate so that we could individually work on ourselves. This theory sounds better on paper, then actually acted out. Its very difficult to understand what your role is or should be when out in public when you know that no matter what, you are married. Even if you both agree that seeing other people and what not is Okay, does that still actually make it OKAY?

I wonder if he or I could take one another back after knowing our bodies had been degraded and spoiled with someone Else’s affection. Would i feel like he cheated? The answers are unclear at this time but one thing is for sure, if he has time to fuck other woman then he has time to work on himself and our marriage and if things were the same when we came back together I would feel the separation was a joke so that we could have time to get out any “un finished business” that we may find along the way.

At this time the separation has been unclear and unfullfillingg. I feel the truth is we are both too controlling to allow the other one the space they need to get healthy. WE are so afraid if we allow the other one to mingle or step outside our domain that someone else, someone more suited, better looking, friendlier, with less baggage, will come sweep them off their feet, causing true love at first sight and the beginning of divorce papers.

This is causing us to sleepover at nights and constantly call each other which is really like were wasting money on a separate apartment for nothing when Tim could be saving that money for our down payment on a house. Which brings me to another good point. If we do settle things and get back together at least im happy knowing Tim will have no argument as to why he hasn’t saved any money at the end of the month. Now that he spends close to 900 a month on a studio I have good reason to believe he was getting too use to me putting big lump sums of money into the bank and thats why he was only able to save 900 with in a 6 month time frame????

But to be honest and insecure for a moment… I miss the hell out of him. I try to think logically about the situation and it really makes no sense except that Im unhealthy emotionally which keeps me in this messed up relationship.
Tim i know you read this at times and i will say, you and i both know and can agree that you have been a lousy boyfriend and even worse husband, but no matter how messed up our relationship is, ITS MY MESSED UP RELATIONSHIP and I MISS YOU. You have been in my life for so long that i can feel my mind and body go through a with drawl. Every night i cry myself to sleep wishing and dreaming that i will hear a knock at the door and when i answer it, you will be on the other side with your pillow and blanket and you will tell me that you missed me too and you dont ever want to be away from me again……

Now im crying because i know thats not true and that you were raised differently and have grown up being Ok with being alone and I have not. I do better when im in a relationship. I feel my goals are bigger and seem more attainable and i work harder.
Why do i self destruct when you are away from me. Why do I feel i have nothing left? I never use to feel that way. I was more independent and secure. Why do I miss your mental abuse and manipulation. why do women go back to bad men? Maybe i used MY sexual addiction as a aid to cover the pain. Maybe it was the piles of cocaine i sniffed that kept me from thinking about how alone i was. Ive always used something. men, drugs, shopping, always something keeping me from feeling abandoned.

Tim- Please dont make me be the woman that has to break your heart in order for you to appreciate and respect women. I know i dont seem strong enough but if i cant do it for me I WILL DO IT FOR HER. The woman you will end up with after me. I will do it so she doesnt have to deal with all the pain. I will do it when you least expect it and i will do it quickly. I will break your heart for your own good if and ONLY IF i have to. I never wanted to be that girl. the girl all men must have once in their lives to make them better. I wanted you to want to be better on your own. But if i have to,  please tell her I said “your welcome” when she hugs you at night and sleeps securely in your arms….

Tomorrow is my first counseling session with Dr Tracey. I hear shes good. I hope so. I want to be better. But im afraid if i get better, i will be strong enough to get rid of all the unhealthy relationships in my life, including you…….

happy one month

>And so it began….

>OKAY, here it is… The letter that started it all. Keep in mind the reason for this letter was because on Christmas Tim bolted out the door only after being there for 3 min because his family gave him a look of disappointment and asked why he forgot to bring a plate of peppers, which  made him feel pinned against a wall, with no way out. This was the letter we sat down AND WROTE TOGETHER.

Hello Family…
Tim and I would like to thank everyone for their generosity and hospitality this Christmas year. I know it has been a rough year for a lot of people and I feel very lucky and blessed for what I have and the people I know, which brings me to the reason for this email….
We would also like to apologize for the unexpected disappearance on Christmas and I would like to take a second to make some suggestions that would prevent this from happening again… hopefully…LOL

For those who do not know, Tim was given a promotion toward the end of the year and was given about double the work load. I am very proud of Tim’s work ethic and I know hes a perfectionist and likes to give it his all at work because he likes his employees and management to trust him and respect him. Because of the effort he puts into his job, I have come to realize over the years that certain jobs or responsibilities around our home are better done by me because I have the storage room in my brain for some more responsibility….lol
When Tim and I first got married the family did start to go through me to let us know when the family was meeting and where and what time they started and what we should bring. It has only been recently that i have noticed less messages/emails get to me and are now going to Tim’s work email. Im not sure why the emails stopped coming to me and Tim says it may be because i did not answer them in a “timely” manner but from now on, If there is something you would like to know, ask or request, we ask that you do not email him at work and instead please email me at this email. If it is something that has nothing to do with us or me and u would just like to speak to him, it may be best to email him at M#%^*(@gmail.com so his boss does not feel he is taking advantage of the email at work and so that he is able to stay focused while working, Or just call him & leave a message. I hope this email does not come off sounding rude, but honestly the issue this Christmas was Tim is under a lot of stress and does not want the responsibility of remembering what food to bring or what time to be where. He is planning events all year long and I told him I would be happy to take on that responsibility in our home life. He is very sensitive to how his family “sees” him and when he forgot to bring the food, the comments and “eyes” that were given to him had him feeling like he had failed. Of coarse i explained to him that he is not a failure and that his mother would rather see him for Christmas, even if he forgot to bring peppers, then he leave but Tim’s sensitivity is something he will personally have to work on, until then it would be much appreciated if the family would go through me to ask or request things from us.

I will do a better job of answering my emails, ( I hooked my email to my phone so i know whenever i get a new one) and I will answer when i know the answer. We appreciate you guys understanding… I personally think it will only be difficult for Tim this next year while he gets settled into his new position and after that, I’m sure he will be more comfortable with his job and be able to free more of his head for home life.


Until then i know this Australia vacation is much needed time away and I’m sure he will want to share his experiences with everyone when he gets back.


Love you guys
\
Instead of this letter being looked at in a positive manor and an email that would be appreciated, it was looked down on as if  I was some crazy chick who wanted to hi jack his email box and starve him of his families emails and love. R u Serious though, really?
…. You really think for some reason i dont want my husband communicating with his family?
You guys really think i am jealous of you and keep him from being with you?
Well your wrong… If it weren’t for me, most of your birthdays would have been forgotten and gifts would have been last minute and by the way… who do you think it is that reminds Tim in advance he needs to be home for an occasion or that he needs to call back or email back the person that emailed or got in touch with him over a week ago. Since when did i become the bad guy here???? 

So heres when and where i decided i was no longer going to run around scared of their critics or thoughts. When his mother of all people ignored the letter and continued to write him at his work email.
Well, guess what… Did he answer you?? No he didnt. He ignores you most of the time and if he does write back im sure you dont get some sentimental genuine email from him.
Why did you do it?
You wanted to show me you could and that you were someone special????
Of Coarse your special, you’re his mother and he loves you but why do you act as if his wishes are not important compared to your wants?
When will you learn that he would give you more time if you did it the way he wanted?
This is when i decided i was going to step up and show them who is the woman of my household and next time something is asked of me or to me i will make sure i dont sugar coat things to make your guys feel better about yourselves because you obviously dont care about my wants. Like me wanting a husband who comes home happy instead of stressed and yells at me about how theres another birthday or event we need to go to and hes not sure when it is or what he needs to bring because the email came to his work and now we cant check it at home and he doesnt or cant remember anything about it……

Ladies of the house, please understand i DID NOT WRITE THAT LETTER Without my  HUSBANDS KNOWLEDGE. as a matter of fact he proof read it and told me to send it. I dont do anything without my husband approving of it first when it comes to his family because we both understand that its better to not stir the pot around them and because Tim doesnt want to feel criticized all the time. Just so you know, HE DOES.
He doesnt feel close to you and he feels you always criticize him and when i asked him why he didnt try opening up to you guys and maybe seek advice, his exact answer was..
” my family and i are not close, I will not share my thoughts and life with L because then everyone in the family will know”.
I said what do you mean? you feel your mother is going to tell everyone your business.”?
He said “Yes”. This is sad to me, and I want you to know that this is the reason your son is not close to you. In case you didnt get it by now, you raised a VERY SENSITIVE boy who takes everything to heart and when something is done to him, even something as little as disagreeing or trying to give him a different perspective on a subject, he feels not good enough, not trusted, unloved, and criticized. That’s why he didnt tell you about proposing to me, thats why he hasnt talked to anyone about his diagnosis of severe sexual addiction and thats why even now that we are living separately, you havent heard it from him. I mean think about it. Your son is 29 years old and he has NEVER been on his own. This is actually his first place and he hasn’t invited you over….. Maybe this is something to think about. I know im coming off strong because i feel very protective of my husband now, like i need to be there with a shield and sword to protect him from negative energy but really his sister since i have met her has only tried to not think about herself on his wedding when she was very cordial and cried. She also tried once with me by inviting me to her birthday where i held her hair and button her pants and brought her water and made sure she looked proper and didn’t make a fool out of herself while she was puking in the restroom. But does this matter, NO and you know why, because i guess i forgot to invite her to my birthday party and has ignored me every since and let me know she was mad by taking herself off our facebook.????????????/ Really? are you serious?and his mother comes at me telling me her daughters issues, instead of telling her daughter to GROW THE FUCK UP. I wonder if the reason tim has such a hard time communicating is because his mother always got involved and played mediator so that Tim never had to learn effectively how to argue or express his feelings? maybe thats why his sister doesn’t know how to be happy for anyone else but herself, and maybe thats why im the scapegoat for everyone…..
But you learned didn’t you. you came too close to the fire and got burned. I told you he didnt want to be emailed at work and that he was busy but no one believes me

SPECIAL NOTE- MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT HIS MOTHER AND MORE MEMORIES SHARED WITH ME. WHAT I DESCRIBED IN HERE ABOUT HIS MOTHER WAS NOT EVEN AS FROSTING ON THE CAKE. SHE PLAYED A HUGE ROLE IN HIS SEXUAL ADDICTION AND AVOIDANCE HABIT. ILL DESCRIBE LATER

>This is the Shit I am Talking about

>From: K

Sent: Wednesday, April 14, 2010

To: T

Subject: Re: Mother’s Day

Hey Tim,

How are you? So I was wondering what your travel plans are for the next few weeks. I am trying to figure out what we can do for mom and wanted to see what your ideas are. Let me know.

Love ya,

K

________________________________________

From: T

To: K; Chanel

Sent: Thu, April 15, 2010 8:43:58 AM

Subject: RE: Mother’s Day

Hey K, can you contact Chanel about that stuff please.

________________________________________

From: K

Sent: Wednesday, April 14, 2010 8:27 PM

To: T

Subject: Re: Mother’s Day

Hi Tim. I must admit I’m a little hurt and saddened by your request to email Chanel about making mother’s day plans for OUR mom. I would have had more respect had you have said go ahead and make the plans then email Chanel with the details.

A while back Chanel sent out a request for all family members to email her if something was dealing with the two of you, but she gave permission to email you if something was directly related to you. Well, I feel that mother’s day is important and it is dealing with you so that’s why I emailed you to both your work and home email.

I do not plan to coordinate mother’s day with Chanel. She and I do not share a mom. You and I do. Please understand that I would like to make plans with you

________________________________________

From: T

To; K, Chanel

Sent: Thu, April 15, 2010 8:43:58 AM

Subject: RE: Mother’s Day

Chanel is my wife and is part of OUR family. She can handle this, handling you … is another question

Please email her; I’m way to busy at work

________________________________________

From: K

Sent: Thursday, April 15, 2010 12:33 PM

To: Tim

Subject: Re: Mother’s Day

loll wow Tim I don’t even know what to say about that comment. I understand you are busy, however too busy to talk for 5 minutes to make a plan for mom. She’s our mother Tim. I know Chanel is part of our family I didn’t say she wasn’t. I want to make plans with YOU. Why don’t you understand that?

________________________________________

From: T

To:K; Chanel

Sent: Thu, April 15, 2010 8:43:58 AM

Subject: RE: Mother’s Day

Please discuss this with my wife as requested in the previous 2 emails.

============================================================================

Okay I really want to be mature at times like these but some people just make it extra hard on you and their stupidity really annoys me. There are so many things wrong with this email; I can’t begin to understand what it is that keeps my husband so loyal to his sister.

First off K… he politely asked you to speak with me. At that point anyone mature enough to look past themselves would have no issue with this request and kindly moved on. BUT NOOOOOO not you. You keep pushing… thinking YOUR LITTLE BROTHER IS GOING TO GIVE IN LIKE he always has with you to avoid confrontation, but no he didnt. He lashed back and told you he was BUSY at work!!!!!!

But this made you madder because you have no respect for his wishes or his feelings especially since you wanted it done right then and there. But again, he requested you email me and I can’t help but laugh at how hard it is for you to be cordial around me. I mean seriously I can understand a little jealously or anxiety because I am not like you and so that makes me unfamiliar and some people don’t cope well with the unfamiliar; but it’s been 6 years and im not going anywhere. Are you trying to get rid of me by being a bitch to me??? Do you think I will run away scared. NO actually the more you treat me with that conceited attitude the more I want to stay with my husband just to annoy the shit out of you so I can think at every family function, NAh NAH NA Nah NAh NA!!!

>Let me Back it up

>So
before I decide to go any further, I think it’s only fair I do a little bashing on my side of the family to even the score. This is in no way intended to be “one sided” or exaggerated. This is MY LIFE, as I have lived it, SEEN it, and FELT it.

It’s hard on many levels to really describe in detail the “psycho-ness” of my family. To meet them in person is still not enough to fully get a grasp on their thinking or logic. The only way to describe my immediate family is to ask you “Have you ever known a person who showed signs of excessive drug use…. The person you knew in high school who was somewhat normal but you knew if they didn’t stop they would lose some brain cells along the way…. and sure enough years later, they’re just not all there”? Okay…, now I want you to take that same person and imagine them finding a Christian church and cleaning up and never touching drugs again. Do you understand how these two descriptions come together?
Me neither, because they don’t.
All you have when you get the two is a Jesus freak with less brain cells and maybe a more appreciative spirit. Now don’t get me wrong, I too am a Jesus freak, but I feel I still have most of brain cells and I have been lucky to continue down the road I once stopped at. For my parents, it’s as if they started doing drugs at the age of 12 and once they stopped and found the Lord, they too started right back at 12 but never understood why they were the tallest ones in class and never wondered if they should finish school…

My Step Father is probably most normal between the two even though growing up I hated him and felt as if he wanted me to never have fun or get a little dirty, which is the reason for me moving out at 16. We would just fight and fight and fight. I was not allowed to do anything with my friends ever and so I lied about it and lied and got caught and got caught. It was a cycle but we get along better now that I’m out of the house and for a short while I worked with him to help myself and him out. This was a mistake because we have total different opinions and thinking processes. Personally, if I ever own a business, I will allow my employees to look at the Internet and go online IF and ONLY IF, everything in the office is done. I will do this because I don’t need employees falling asleep or looking unproductive if a customer does come in. My dad couldn’t understand this way of thinking and would rather I stay in a chair looking at the ceiling falling over asleep, then chatting or getting online to look around. He said if I got on the Internet, I was STEALING from the company?????  I’m sorry, but I had nothing else that could be done. I had already cleaned the office; re organized the files, created schedules, and wrote corporate min… I mean seriously everything was done. So I would just fall asleep in my chair and he would get made at that two. Then one day I remember telling him I was taking some days off. He said that was fine but when he found out I was going to Japan, it suddenly was not ok that I took the time off and he wanted to tell me I had no vacation time. I told him that was fine I was going to Japan with or without vacation pay. This didn’t sit well either. Then weeks before I went to Japan I brought some books on learning Japanese to the office to study when there was anything to do and he said THAT WAS STEALING FROM THE COMPANY TOO, because I was researching things for my time off????????????????? I said so if I read a book that has nothing to do with Japan its OK? He said YES…. OMG!!!  There are several more stories like this but I think you have an idea of our relationship, and that position was laid to rest shortly after…

My sister is product of my mother with a worse attitude. I love her to death and there are moments when I look at her and wonder if she understands the family in which we have arrived and I wonder if she is naive or just content. Sometimes I wonder between her husband and child at the age of 21, if she even has time or the energy to think that hard.
Anyways she almost identical to my mother except she is better at speaking and handling her emotions. The only emotion she is not good at is anger but lately I think because she has a three year old, she has made improvements.

MY MOTHER is SCARY. I really truly feel sorry for her, and her inability to see outside herself and try and make improvements. NOT for anyone like myself or my dad, but for herself and her own happiness. My mother is paranoid psychophrenic  who was molested and mentally abused and never received treatment. Actually, add 10 to 12 years of cocaine use to that mix and now you have my mother. She probably has the IQ of a 16 year old, emotional skills of a 6 year old, and communication skills of a 30 year old. I love my mother but have learned over time I need to love her from afar because I get burned when I get too close. WE butt heads and honestly I am/was so much like her that I knew if I kept hanging out at my families I would be my mother’s duplicate. There are many gifts I received from my spaz of a mother, like, my creativity is off the chain. I really can make something from nothing and anything from something, I can also communicate honestly and am in touch with every emotion and feeling I have in my body. I also like to think I am very pretty which comes from my mother and grandmother. They are beautiful. But for the good things I received from her I received double the bad. Like my inability to speak calmly when I am feeling very hurt or upset. Our Voices carry to began with and when we start yelling it’s an eviction waiting to happen. I don’t yell to get people to listen. I yell because it feels good to me and it’s like someone smoking a cigarette or punching a wall. I just feel I need to. I also am paranoid of driving in cars and I don’t trust men for the life of me. I also live to eat instead of eat to live and Worst of all, My inability to live on my own without a man and stick with him even if I am deathly unhappy and my body can’t go on any further, is probably one of my favorites.. Oh did I mention we have no tact and were very blunt and from what I’m starting to realize recently, we may be a bit overbearing or critical sounding even if we don’t mean to.

SO yeah… I have been in counseling from 3 years now and I’m very aware it will be several more years before I can look in a mirror and not see my mother.
I will say though… with all those problems my family possess, it stills blows my mind that I can think of us as a healthier family next to my husbands. Maybe it’s because all our problems are noticeable and we don’t pretend to hide them or manipulate you into thinking any different about us or like us. WE have good hearts within and we have forgiving and ungrudging/non judgemental spirits. Like I said before I think it’s because we know we have problems that we don’t judge others and I’m sure it’s our belief in Jesus Christ that keeps us from treating others in a manner that we would detest because we know people get what they give in the end.

If any of the family members come across this blog and feel hurt or betrayed, I do apologize for the hurt my opinion has caused but keep in mind that one’s feelings do not describe a person because it is their actions that give them their image and presence. With all my negative feelings or disappointment/resentment you may hear in my blogs I have never treated anyone in my family the way I have wanted to or thought of. I actually don’t have a revengeful bone in my body and when people hurt me I tend to cry about it and move on. The only person that matters is Jesus Christ anyways because we live and die alone. This blog and any other won’t matter in the long run and we all will have to answer to God.

>FAMILY continued…

>

that was intense!!!! Dang Karla,….lol I didnt even know or understand where that comment came from…lol its probably my fault since i dont spell check or use any type of rule of thumb or grammar procedure so im sure its hard to read my blogs sometimes.

I was trying to explain the difference and the importance of having “family” in your life. i cant imagine how many embarrassing moments I would have found myself in if i didnt have family to explain to me all of life’s little quirks to prepare me for inevitable. For Tim, this was and is not the case. Im slowly starting to realize that his family counted on his baseball couch to be his “life counselor” as well. His family never sat him down to even try and bother with talks of woman and men and how each has and plays an important role. He also says he remembers his family being very “hush hush” about most things that pertained to sex or relationships and so he continued to go without any real relationships most of his school years and gave his all to the sport of baseball. Its sad that someone like me would look at someone like tim and think he had it all. I mean on the outside he was a good looking white kid who came from middle class working parents. On the inside, he was being neglected and emotionally and physically starved. Tim says he first started masturbating at the age of 7. Now this might not seem weird to some but his sister has a young boy who will be 7 next year and thats totally just disgusting when i think about it in those terms.  He said he remembers his mother would just leave him in his room for long periods of time and he found out one day it felt good to play with himself, and eventually being alone wasnt so bad anymore. Now moving on

 Im not sure if i mentioned how Tims family played a role in my life for the first 3 years of our relationship? NO…..? I didnt say, you say?

Well that’s because i was instantly BANNED and NOT invited or Welcomed to any family functions or gatherings.Why? well, because his Sister found out through her fiance’s friend that i was a STRIPPER!!!

O…M….G! i know, the terror of it all, really. So she became jealous and insecure causing a wave of insecurity within the woman of his family and they must have taken a hand vote when tim and I werent there because instantly I was voted out. No questions asked. Its a very weird feeling to know your husband is going over to his families house for a Holiday and you cant come with him because your NOT invited and you were informed you make the woman uncomfortable????? UNCOMFORTABLE???? As if i wanted to come over and take my clothes off, while rubbing my breasts in their faces and collecting dollar bills, ….. PLEASE… and while im being banned, i find it funny im looked or frowned on because of my job yet TIM is the one who met me there!! I mean, i would have No job if it werent for guys like Tim coming in and spending money. But Nooooo, nothing of that sort was ever mentioned because they would be admitting fault or imperfection and they cant tolerate anything out of the Norm. So i dont think i need to explain how hurt I was and how confused i was when i would run into one of the them or all of them dropping tim off or gathering my things in time to leave before an event started. Id have to say the worst of them all was his sister.

I really dont want to go into the issues that each person has but i do find it important to let you understand she is the kind of person that walks around, wanting someone to know she doesnt like them. It doesnt just make her happy to talk the family into not inviting me to a function but she has to stare you down, roll her eyes, ignore, blah blah. This usually doesnt get to me but i dont understand why she never gave me a chance. she never even tried to get to know me. I felt and still do feel sorry for her. Its people like that who want to bring other people down to try and feel better about themselves. I watched her try to keep me from feeling welcomed and i think she thought her brother would some how want to get rid of me for her own personal well being. WRONG…. Here i am. I’m not going anywhere. Your games are getting old and tiring. Your 3o something years old. Its about time to just let your brother be happy and start feeling happy for him when hes happy. Even if that means sacrificing your happiness for 2 seconds. Yes it hurt when his mother, Aunt and grandmother acted disgusted by my presence too but to me, i understood that its a different time now then it was back then and things are more openly discussed and that its a gradual change that can take some people by storm if your not keeping up. Plus , none of them went out of their way to hate me besides her. Plus Karma was around the corner when one day Tim finally told his family if i wasnt invited, he wasnt coming and i could tell when tim told them he had popped the question to me and I said YES, that his sister was shocked it wasnt her and her fiance having this announcement first….

OH man i wish i could explain to you how internally Joyous this day was for me on two levels. One I’m getting married to the man i LOVE and two , I WON BITCHES!!!!!!!! YUP that’s Right i won!!!!!!!! Of coarse i would never say that in public but I’m sure my smile said it all as they each came up and hugged me and tried to vomit the words congratulations.. HAHAHA I think what effected me most was how much of a Traumatic change they made over night with how “uncomfortable” they were and all. Boy did they get comfortable fast and I dont know if they thought i wouldn’t notice or remember but I feel everyone ignored the big white elephant in the room, the one named “apologizing” and swept it under the rug where all their problems went that they didnt know how to deal with. I allowed this because it wasn’t worth my time, my husband was the most important to me and i must have been doing something right for him to want to stay
My family is completely different…. Id have to say the biggest difference from my family to his, is our communication skills. My family is all about our emotions and feelings. We have no problem expressing them or talkin about them no matter how mundane or repetitive. My family also understands we come from a blood line of “Fuck ups” and addicts. I think all of us at one point or another had to fall on our ass in order to want to finally pick ourselves up. Because of this knowledge and awareness we tend to judge less quickly and see a persons potential instead of their downfall. This was in Tims favor since my family took him back with open arms each time i did. There was never any mention of how he was only a pizza delivery boy and that at 26 was still living with his father. My family never treated him in a way that would make him feel judged or belittled. I think thats the same reason i could get over the fact he had done so much wrong to me and keep coming back for more. Its like i didnt see the Tim that was doing God awful selfish things to me but saw the one day, incredible Father, good husband and future Best friend.

However Its this thinking that has caused me to be up right now at 1 in the morning on a Tuesday writing about my disappointment in my marriage and with men. So yeah, the first three years of our relationship was rocky but add a little “judgemental family” with a side of “hypocritical views” and you have yourself a stew that will keep you full and bloated for years.

NOW his dad is an interesting fellow, Im still trying to understand their relationship. The story goes, Tims father was very critical of him and how he did things. Tim tells me he remembers never feeling good enough and remembers his Father losing his cool if something went wrong or different from what his father had planned. Tim also says, his father made him feel like he couldn’t do something unless it was done his fathers way. Lucky for Tim he had a natural skill and athleticism that would grant him his full ride to college thru the game of baseball to give his dad something to be happy about. But growing up poor tim was mostly left alone in his room to make due with his surroundings to keep him company while both his mother and father worked or just didnt see the importance of spending quality time that didnt consist of telling him how to live his life. This is what would soon lead to Tims adult sexual addiction and his emotional anxiety and rage. Since meeting tim, he has expressed to me his fear of becoming like his father. This is normal to all children and even I myself once encouraged the thought of being completely different. This bubbled was burst fairly quickly after realizing I couldn’t pretend to not feel a certain way about things I could only chose to react differently

So back to his father. You could tell his father felt torn in the beginning deciding whether to listen to his daughter or his son. He allowed me a fair chance and to be honest, was very patient with me in the beginning. Im sure he thought i was the crazy and probably wanted to turn me in to a mental hospital that would keep me away from stalking his son at nights and finding me on his front lawn asleep in my car. Yes, i did that, i would sleep in my car to stalk Tim. I would play music loud for him to hear thru his windows, and i would sneak in his windows to have sex with him and crawl out super early before his dad got up and saw me. If your reading this i appreciate all your patients…lol  =)

I think my biggest grudge with his family is their ignorance for their sons emotional and mental well being. I know this is partial Tims fault for not coming to them and asking for help, but i feel if they were paying attention to their sons life they would know him by now and realize Tim will do anything before he ask for help so as adults i wish they would try harder to get it out of him and teach him its Ok to express feelings other than happiness. Poor tim, when we go to counseling, he has such a hard time talking about himself and his emotions the therapist hands tim a chart with several different smiley faces on it so tim can try and pin point through visualization which emotion he may have. Tim has made several improvements in the last 2 years as well as the biggest one, his ability to flip his emotional switch when he started feeling hard to swallow emotions, that brought up feelings of unfinished business as a child

Ok i should sleep… more coming

>Im afraid to even say the word….. FAMILY

>

Image via Wikipedia

Yes, I know, I dont want to have to go there either but that’s the next page in my life that i must discuss with you, no matter how screwed up and tragic it may be. Im actually surprised I didnt bring it up sooner because to be honest some of these events came before the new girls.

Family, or should i say the people who share the same blood as Tim have played an important role in my life and yet I try not to think about them as necessary or important, or at least i didnt.

I must quickly add this smart ass remark before i go any further because knowing them (tim’s family) they are keeping up with all my pages so that they can call one another and gossip for hours about how inappropriate and immature i am, and how Tim belongs with someone sooooo much better. Actually Im almost positive that either his witch of a sister “K” found my page first and emailed her mother who emailed her aunt or something along those lines. Really the men of that family arent so bad. The Men are pretty damn cool in my book, except his father. Its not that hes not cool, but hes on a whole different level and i consider him a different family. Its like we have Chanels Family, Tims family and his dad…. lol. i dont know why this is, it just is.. you will see later.

Ok so what i wanted to say was Im not trying to offend anyone in this blog or hurt anyones feelings but this is MY LIFE, how I SEE IT and how I HAVE FELT THINGS. So please try and PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES.

Ok so i needed to add that tid bit because im going to explain why i have such a hard time calling Tims blood line his Family. Family means different things to different people and in my opinion “Family” is not always the people who share your blood, they are the ones who except, love, try to understand, hold out their hands and love you no matter what because it makes them happy to love you, not because they have to. Family comes to you before you have to go to them to make sure your OK. Family is also in my opinion your number one source for information on life, love, and everything else. I believe you should have some of your most personal conversations with your family BECAUSE you are a product of your environment (family) and most likely you guys will/ should have the same opinions and reactions, and in the case you consider a family neighbor of a friends parent or someone not related to you as your family, this rule prob still applies because your either spending so much time with them or you respect them and look up to them so you will find yourself being like them or learning from them. It makes no sense or should i say it makes less sense to ask a friend about personal questions because they didnt grow up the way you did and they wont react or feel the same way. For instance, I talk to my mother and grandmother about porn. I know this is weird to some, but i do this because i know I got my insecurities of it from my mother. My mother talks to me about how she came about feeling negative about it and informed me of personal things that happened in her life. Now i can chose to use this as my reasoning behind my actions and thoughts, or i can get a second opinion and thats why i go to my Grandma. Not only is she beautiful but my mother says she has no problem being around porn and that her insecurities did not come from her mother so this is perfect for me to get another side of things. My GMA is so understanding and wise and she talks to me about how its not important in the scheme of life and how I can not go judging myself based on every porn my husband has ever watched or thought of. Anyways im losing track. The reason i go to them instead of my friends is because i know im half like my mother and sometimes like my Gma, because i was raised by both at different times. So i know that both my need to understand why i feel a certain way about a subject will be met and why i will react a certain way will be understood as well. Just so you know i dont believe family is always right and thats the reason i didnt say, the answer to how something should be will be given, because family cant give you the right answer to how you should be or feel, they can only tell you about themselves and why they do it and its up to us as adults to accept their reasoning as our own or to say “you know, i think there’s more to this” and do your own investigations

give me a second to pee

>Ready to Heal

>http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=whi08-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=0977440036&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifrFor any women that has found themselves in an unhealthy relationship they felt powerless to get out of

 This book I am reading now… I just cant seem to find the strength to open it every day, unless i have prepared myself. Each time i flip a page its like another chapter into my life, showing all the many ways I have allowed myself to become Co dependent, insecure and the perfect canidate for my many addictions

Be prepared to look within yourself and face the demons standing in your way. Its until you learn to live with them and accept them that they go away leaving you alone to deal with the world one piece at a time…..

Great Book

>Continued : On my way out… hopefully my body before my sanity

>

 Image via Wikipedia

Our sex was better than ever and I was making all the right moves to have him fall for me. I mean really that’s all I ever wanted was to find a man that would love me enough to ask me to marry him and take care of me and be there for me whenever I needed. Right? Wasn’t that what every girl was destined to do? Find Husband, Make Babies, Be sexy, Give Sex.…

What was I doing wrong? Continued….. 

Becca

Brianna

Tracey

Nicole and of course G1 would sneak up in the mix occasionally, each one under his captivating spell. He had a soft child like spirit at times that shined with passion. He had a way of making you feel as though you had known him forever and even if he had left for years, you’re souls would have picked right up where they left off.

He had left me on several different occasions; each time leaving me more winded then the first and more insecure about his return. But he ALWAYS returned. Even during the same day he would return. I knew he had just been with one of his girls and she couldn’t or didn’t do it for him and he would rush to me to have me take care of him. It kills me to think I was so immature and clueless at that time, I actually thought it was a compliment that he would always come back. I don’t think it was until he decided to tell me after having sex one night that he had caught an STD from one of girls and he said, “I thought you should know???????????

 I think I might have thrown up in my mouth at that moment and rushed myself into the clinic the next morning only to have my Dr. hand me a little bottle of orange stuff and advised me to drink it up and not drink anything else for the day. When I asked her if I  would be fine she replied, “Just because you didn’t get something worse doesn’t change the face that he got NGU and had no thoughts about giving it to you.”

I’ll never know if I caught what he had because my Dr didn’t care to test me, she said better safe than sorry and had me drink this potion anyways. I went home that morning feeling so disgusted and lonely. How could he do this to me so nonchalantly? How could he ignore the love we had for each other…. 

Later that week I also had to find out that the girl who gave him NGU, was also a girl I worked with at the same club. What a slap in the face it was to find out he was dating another stripper from the club I worked at. Secretly for an instant I found happiness in knowing she gave him the STD, but the thought quickly turned to depression when I saw her hanging pictures of him in her locker.  

PAUSE….

I don’t know how to continue with this post because its day 4 now and so many things have happened since we have been separated. I feel like I’m stuck and can’t leave my living room couch, yet I have so much I need to do. It’s hard for me to talk about my life when I’m living it and it’s especially hard when last night I found out again he had and was lying. 

 Why didn’t I just let G1 have him? Honestly that is how I feel now. I wish she would have got him. Take him, I’m no use to him anymore and he has completely fucked me up emotionally to be able to accept what he wants to give to me. Every time he talks now I just hear lies. One after the other after the other. 

I pull my hair, pick my face, burn my body and nothing helps the fact that I married a man that I knew was a liar before but made the mistake I promised myself I wouldn’t. I had hoped things would change …..I had hoped he wanted to…. 

To Be Continued