>The Acts of a SEX ADDICT

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The look on Duanes face was priceless as we sat there and yelled at each other, just 1 month before our big day. I remember him asking the both of us why we were getting married and the answer was always the same…

Because we love each other.  

Continued

The details of his frequent “One night stands” with girls he met on Myspace, is quite disgusting. I try not to think about those types of adventures because I am reminded that I always allowed him back home and slept with him maybe hours later. I have to pretend he always took a shower before being with me but I cant really prove or say that he did. He says he always wore a condom after getting his first STD, but is that true? Ill never know.  

The Worst decision I could have made, I did! 

On October 13 2007 I exchanged vows with my husband. Over 83 guests arrived, a mixture of friends and family. The wedding itself was top notch, and the look on even my own families face was priceless when they saw what a terrific job i had done. I was proud of myself. I know they thought this “Tweaker” could pull it off but this “tweaker” DID!

I want to tell you that my wedding and wedding night were magical and romantic but they were anything but. I had only asked 3 things of my husband for our wedding day, 1. find out your friends address so i can mail them invites, 2. find out if i mailed everyone in your big ass family a invitation, 3. Do not forget to hire someone or ask someone to video tape our wedding. Well, i should have known when i busy collecting his friends addresses and working with his mother on guests i had forgotten that lived states away and weren’t planning on coming to the wedding but needed me to send a HANDMADE invite to them, that he would forget or not care enough to ask one of his friends to video tape that wedding, BUT he did not forget to bring the video camera… Oh no, not my husband. You know what he thought was more important to film…. The hotel room, on our wedding night. Of coarse, I didnt care at this point because i was married, and even though he continued to stare at the girl all night who did my makeup (she was wearing the most hoochiest dress ever) I thought nothing of it until he yelled her name during sex on our wedding night!

Yup, you heard it…. Instead of us having romantic sex or even dirty sex, we had to have “Fuck up the whole night sex” but both of us didn’t know this then either. I guess it was sort of my fault since i asked him if i was correct in stating he had been checking out “Saleen” the whole night, while were undoing my wedding dress. He said he did check her out a couple of times but he caught her bending over one time and he said he imagined eating her out while i with him. 

I could have done two things with this information on my wedding night. 1. I could have slapped him in the face and stormed out telling him to enjoy the honey moon to Cancun that i payed for by himself, or I could just let it go and use the newly learned information for recreational purposes to help give him a good time. I chose the second and allowed him to call me her name on my wedding night. I cant tell you how sorry i am that i allowed this. I cant watch the tape of our wedding night now, EVER… and i cant take it back. My dress still hangs in my closet and i so desperately wish we would just rent a hotel one night and tape the whole thing over again. but it wouldn’t be the same and we both know it wouldn’t be our wedding night. 

Cancun was beautiful and i decided to go topless for the first time ever at a beach. You think my husband would keep his eyes on the women that all the other women are starring at, ME, but no, and when this one Mexican chick complimented my breasts and said they were the nicest she had ever seen, Tim politely complimented hers, and he would have shaken their hands too, if they had any….. Little do i know that same day as i fall asleep on the sand, My husband goes back up to his room and meets the Mexican chick!. Yes, you heard me, on our honeymoon my husband gets this girls number and HE SAYS they didn’t have sex but he just got her number upstairs and he came back down to be with his wife. 

I guess i should stop there and tell you that i only found out he got her number because when we got back from our honeymoon i checked his email a week later while he was at work and found out they were trying to meet each other after work and had several gross emails talking about being with each other. 

SOBER, HURT, ANGRY, BELITTLED, FRIGHTENED, RESENTFUL, and did i mention SOBER, 

I dealt with this… another episode, another cause of my horrible ability to keep him happy? Maybe it was my slender, athletic, body or my large breasts, Maybe it was my beautiful Blond hair or my big brown eyes. Maybe it was my straight white teeth or my clean shaving skin, maybe it was my intellect or ability to hold a conversation about a topic other than myself, Who knows what it was that kept him always on the “prowl” but yet again their i was feeling ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly , ugly. I felt worthless, unwanted, unloved, unlovable and useless. I always tried to keep the house clean and i cooked dinner for him almost every night. I wore different lingerie and had sex with him the way no women has ever done him before. What was it? Did he really think of himself as soo much better that he had to continue looking to see if he had gotten his best. The one thing i knew about myself that i was confident in was SEX. I have grown up around it http://www.livingwithnoboundaries.blogspot.com.  you can read about my past and understand how i had grown up with this sexual confidence that most women did not portray. But at last, it finally happened. The one thing i was scared would happen, the one thing i warned him about, the one thing that had only happen to me once before, it happened

I started losing my sexual desire to be with my husband. I was still deathly attracted to him but it was as if my libido just quit one day. I went to the doctors, changed my birth control, bought toys, imagined other men, whatever was out there i tried. It was too late. Tim’s escapades finally got to my soul, and even tho my heart wanted him, my mind overtook my body and said  ” NO MORE”

You cant imagine how defective i felt after years of him coming home and just jumping on him or waking him up in the middle of the night or allowing him at 6 in the morning or grabbing him while driving or any other way we had sex, all disappeared. I noticed first, but it was worse once Tim noticed. I thought maybe i was working too hard, i was pulling in over 70 hrs a week, juggling two jobs,  and we decided to move in with his father to save money to buy a house. I quit one of my jobs and life seemed good at first but quickly moved down hill when tim became very very aggressive. I knew what this meant and I ran to check his email. In the SPAM box I found a letter from him sister??? Not just any letter… A LETTER ON A DATING SITE HIS SISTER WAS ON ASKING HIM WHY HE WAS ON THE SAME SITE? Why didn’t his sister say something to me? why didn’t she tell him it wasn’t right for him to be on a dating site? Who knows who cares…. But i picked up the phone and told him he needed to come home right now and tell me every frickin lie that he has and if hes hiding one that i dont know about its over.

BOY, do i regret opening my big fat mouth because what comes next might be surprising, even after hearing about everything else……

Not only was he on a dating website, but he was purchasing porn again, was JACKING off at work, and had been talking to some girl he met while on his way to San Diego for a work event. He said he had been speaking with her for a week or so and was trying to meet up with her for casual sex. 

I dont think i need to say anymore. If you don’t understand it by now you will Never

MY HUSBAND WAS DIAGNOSED WITH SEVERE SEX ADDICTION/AVOIDANCE ADDICT. 

I can continue my story now by telling you that after his diagnosis everything was better and he got help, but that would be a lie .I could continue with my story in a voice that keeps you feeling sorry for me while growing deep resentment for my husband. Yes, He did do all the things I have listed. Yes, he probably did a lot more that I’m forgetting or decided not to share but What Im hoping for is that the women in my situation reading this blog who see themselves can take something, anything, to help themselves get out because my life got much worse and finding a 600 dollars phone bill from the porn he was downloading on his phone so he could JO in public places, including work, while driving on the streets, and the parking lots around his work and house, or the way he was hiring models and trying to sleep with them and if he didn’t,  JO to pictures of them while he was working with them, did not hurt me or surprise me the way it use to, It was his constant lying and constant manipulation making me feel it was all my fault and i was lucky to have his love that really put me over the edge. 

I had been sober for 2 years and the night i found another one of his trails, It was when i asked him politely and calmly  “Hone, i know and I am aware of your lying, please just tell me from your own mouth and i will not mention it or bring it up”. and he replied 

“Your FUCKING TRIPPING AGAIN ON DRUGS< I SWEAR TO GOD AND ON MY LIFE, Im not hiding anything from you” Is when i once again BROKE

I confronted him with his trail and he immediately apologized but it was over… If he can swear on his life and Gods then what do i have to believe him anymore. He never in all our years lie to me using Gods name or his life. Thank God we didnt have children. Thank God i was smart enough to be on birth control. I would never want to bring children into a marriage like this or have them raised by a father who could not adhere to his own teachings. I saw him as PATHETIC and on that day wished i had the courage to leave…. But i didnt. Instead I did what i always did and began a path of SELF DESTRUCTION

Why is it whenever someone hurts me, I dont have the courage to leave or stand up for myself. WHY do i insist on damaging myself. I PICK AT MY FACE until IT BLEEDS, I PICK AT MY BODY, I LATCHED ON TO METH AGAIN. I STARVE MYSELF OR OVER EAT, I DRINK UNTIL THE BOTTLE IS GONE………..

>Where was GOD?

>This hurt me badly because it was in plain view that he was a dog. Trying to cheat on a woman he proposed to and was about to make his wife. He also spent over a 100 dollars of his companies money in Internet porn webcaming and i watched from states away my fiance pay for conversation with a naked woman touching herself instead of calling me….

 continued…

I cant begin to tell you how disappointed i was, how hurt and betrayed I felt. I felt not only lied to by my husband but abandoned by God. “Where are you now GOD”? I know he didnt not promise that all days would be great but this was just a smack in my face. Tim and I had been doing so well. We were also in Pre Marital counseling at our church during this time and i remember us walking in one Wednesday and i just balled my eyes out telling the instructors about what I thought tim had done. Tim just sat there, lifeless, blank, and cold while we all prayed together and discussed the actions we should take to prevent this from happening again. 

6 months before the wedding was hectic. We decided to move into a bigger unit with a garage so Tim would have more room to work on his truck. It was a nice apartment and i felt a relief leaving the old one behind. I was planning the wedding by myself and paying out of pocket for more than half of it. I wanted to prove to his family that i was not some ghetto piece of trash but had ideas and thoughts just has good as the rest and could execute them like no one else. I dont know why i felt i had to prove myself when I was around them but they always had a way of making me feel as though it wasn’t good enough. I had discussed with Tim my concerns of children at our wedding being that it was a night time event with a full bar, candle lights, and many drunk friends. He agreed with me and we placed the “adult only wedding” sign at the bottom of our invitations. 

Boy did this start some controversy within his family. 

See they had already put it in their heads that his sisters child, tims nephew, would be ring bearer or something and could never imagine a wedding with out this 3 year old boy attending. It became the great debate within our families and i remember losing my feeling of ever being understood by Tims family. We were just too different. His sister took it has a personal slap in her face and made sure to turn this whole wedding that was suppose to be about Tim and Chanel joining as one to Will Tim’s sister show up to the wedding? She cried to her mom and her dad who called me and tim and tried to get us to change our minds which if was left to tim to hear on his own, would have caved in and passively agreed. He doesn’t want to argue or debate with anyone especially his family. In Tims family i think its considered “unhealthy” to argue or debate but i personally do not feel this to be true if done in a constructive manner and to be honest, the way it was handled was in my opinion immature and one sided. All the grandparents and his parents were more worried about getting Kayson into the wedding then making sure their son was happy or felt excepted. I stood my ground though, and helped Tim for the first time stand his. 

I dont remember exactly when things started changing again but before the wedding had actually taken place tim had managed to build an affair with a co worker of his. 

I would log onto his email while he was at work and watch as they invited each other to lunch and flirted back and forth. Half of me was disgusted and scared, my heart was already broken and for some reason I had felt too much had been purchased and planned to cancel the wedding now. I so desperately had wished at that moment we had purchased some kind of wedding insurance where I could have called it off without losing the 12k that was already spent. But their I was….. alone but engaged. 

He would come home at nights and either be really happy as tho his dick was just sucked in the office bathroom or horribly aggressive. He never told me about his affair and as the wedding got closer and more lies were told I BROKE

See i couldn’t tell tim I had access to his email because I knew being the liar he was he would just create a fake one that i could not find, which would put me at a disadvantage, and I couldn’t try and drag it out of him because when i did he disgusted me even more when he would tell me how stupid and psyhco was being and that i needed to learn to trust people and stop blaming everything on him and so forth. I would rather not see this side of my husband because it makes him out to be 10times more of an asshole then what i wanted to see in him. So i let it build inside me and to release my pain and continue on with what was suppose to be the most beautiful wedding, I made a friend with Meth.

As, Tim would leave for work, i would kiss his soft lips and for the split moment feel special. Once gone, looking at his Internet activities the night before while i was working or out purchasing things for the wedding made me feel enraged and belittled but after the hit and white cloud was exhaled from my lips, I felt nothing, nothing but numb. 

I latched on to meth for the next 3 month before our big day and when Tim noticed my sudden loss in weight and the disappearance of my body in bed at nights he began to question. I hated answering all of his questions, and listening to his rhetorical lies. How he would argue and fight with how wrong i was being by doing drugs but never mentioned any of his little escapades made him look foolish and cowardly to me, but not until he gave me my first black eye, did i learn not to tell him to his face. 

Dont get me wrong, he didn’t mean to and i know I didnt always keep my calm when we fought causing him to get more upset then was needed. I would scream at the top of my lungs trying to get him to listen to me and hear the importance of my cries but tim came from a family where you stayed calm and collected and it was this calmness about him that really just put me on edge. Why when im crying and pouring my feelings to you about your affairs and lies do you insist on telling me to calm down and shut up. This would only add fuel to the fire and when he would ignore me is when i would get in his face. It was this move that i needed work with. I always watched my mother yell and scream and get into my dads face when they argued. I never liked it when she would yell in mine either but years later i can see my mother in the reflection off Tims pupils as I used the only distress signal i was ever taught; my voice. So it wasnt long before it would turn to violence. I knew it and he knew it but i think we were both shocked when my blood vessels proved it. After that night it became apparent to me that Tim got the wrong impression when i apologized for my actions and told him how i felt it was the cause of his fist. I feel this way because then it was pusing me into things like the corner of a dresser, up against a wall, and im sure a couple other items that made me feel he felt no remorse. I still have a scar from the first time he pushed me against the edge of a sharp cabinet. I told him it hurt but he didnt care. 

After finding my meth pipe one night he ran to his mothers house the next day. We were all suppose to meet for a family gathering and it would be special because my family was invited too. All i know remember is the look of disgust she gave me when i showed up at her door to speak with her son, my future husband. I knew then that he had told his family i was using in hopes to get their sympathy  and support. I remember feeling like i wanted to start creating a timeline of all Tim’s mistakes to earn their sympathy on my side. I never said anything about Tim at all and left the family gathering with Tim by my side apologising for his actions. He will never understand what its like to feel the way i did that day & I quickly called Duane and scheduled an appt for our first professional counseling session. 

Duane Osterlind is a great guy and i knew i would have to pick a male couselor to help Tim and I get over our problems or else Tim would feel as though he was being attacked if he was a she.

The look on Duanes face was priceless as we sat there and yelled at each other, just 1 month before our big day. I remember him asking the both of us why we were getting married and the answer was always the same…

Because we love each other.