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The look on Duanes face was priceless as we sat there and yelled at each other, just 1 month before our big day. I remember him asking the both of us why we were getting married and the answer was always the same…
Because we love each other.
Continued
The details of his frequent “One night stands” with girls he met on Myspace, is quite disgusting. I try not to think about those types of adventures because I am reminded that I always allowed him back home and slept with him maybe hours later. I have to pretend he always took a shower before being with me but I cant really prove or say that he did. He says he always wore a condom after getting his first STD, but is that true? Ill never know.
The Worst decision I could have made, I did!
On October 13 2007 I exchanged vows with my husband. Over 83 guests arrived, a mixture of friends and family. The wedding itself was top notch, and the look on even my own families face was priceless when they saw what a terrific job i had done. I was proud of myself. I know they thought this “Tweaker” could pull it off but this “tweaker” DID!
I want to tell you that my wedding and wedding night were magical and romantic but they were anything but. I had only asked 3 things of my husband for our wedding day, 1. find out your friends address so i can mail them invites, 2. find out if i mailed everyone in your big ass family a invitation, 3. Do not forget to hire someone or ask someone to video tape our wedding. Well, i should have known when i busy collecting his friends addresses and working with his mother on guests i had forgotten that lived states away and weren’t planning on coming to the wedding but needed me to send a HANDMADE invite to them, that he would forget or not care enough to ask one of his friends to video tape that wedding, BUT he did not forget to bring the video camera… Oh no, not my husband. You know what he thought was more important to film…. The hotel room, on our wedding night. Of coarse, I didnt care at this point because i was married, and even though he continued to stare at the girl all night who did my makeup (she was wearing the most hoochiest dress ever) I thought nothing of it until he yelled her name during sex on our wedding night!
Yup, you heard it…. Instead of us having romantic sex or even dirty sex, we had to have “Fuck up the whole night sex” but both of us didn’t know this then either. I guess it was sort of my fault since i asked him if i was correct in stating he had been checking out “Saleen” the whole night, while were undoing my wedding dress. He said he did check her out a couple of times but he caught her bending over one time and he said he imagined eating her out while i with him.
I could have done two things with this information on my wedding night. 1. I could have slapped him in the face and stormed out telling him to enjoy the honey moon to Cancun that i payed for by himself, or I could just let it go and use the newly learned information for recreational purposes to help give him a good time. I chose the second and allowed him to call me her name on my wedding night. I cant tell you how sorry i am that i allowed this. I cant watch the tape of our wedding night now, EVER… and i cant take it back. My dress still hangs in my closet and i so desperately wish we would just rent a hotel one night and tape the whole thing over again. but it wouldn’t be the same and we both know it wouldn’t be our wedding night.
Cancun was beautiful and i decided to go topless for the first time ever at a beach. You think my husband would keep his eyes on the women that all the other women are starring at, ME, but no, and when this one Mexican chick complimented my breasts and said they were the nicest she had ever seen, Tim politely complimented hers, and he would have shaken their hands too, if they had any….. Little do i know that same day as i fall asleep on the sand, My husband goes back up to his room and meets the Mexican chick!. Yes, you heard me, on our honeymoon my husband gets this girls number and HE SAYS they didn’t have sex but he just got her number upstairs and he came back down to be with his wife.
I guess i should stop there and tell you that i only found out he got her number because when we got back from our honeymoon i checked his email a week later while he was at work and found out they were trying to meet each other after work and had several gross emails talking about being with each other.
SOBER, HURT, ANGRY, BELITTLED, FRIGHTENED, RESENTFUL, and did i mention SOBER,
I dealt with this… another episode, another cause of my horrible ability to keep him happy? Maybe it was my slender, athletic, body or my large breasts, Maybe it was my beautiful Blond hair or my big brown eyes. Maybe it was my straight white teeth or my clean shaving skin, maybe it was my intellect or ability to hold a conversation about a topic other than myself, Who knows what it was that kept him always on the “prowl” but yet again their i was feeling ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly , ugly. I felt worthless, unwanted, unloved, unlovable and useless. I always tried to keep the house clean and i cooked dinner for him almost every night. I wore different lingerie and had sex with him the way no women has ever done him before. What was it? Did he really think of himself as soo much better that he had to continue looking to see if he had gotten his best. The one thing i knew about myself that i was confident in was SEX. I have grown up around it http://www.livingwithnoboundaries.blogspot.com. you can read about my past and understand how i had grown up with this sexual confidence that most women did not portray. But at last, it finally happened. The one thing i was scared would happen, the one thing i warned him about, the one thing that had only happen to me once before, it happened
I started losing my sexual desire to be with my husband. I was still deathly attracted to him but it was as if my libido just quit one day. I went to the doctors, changed my birth control, bought toys, imagined other men, whatever was out there i tried. It was too late. Tim’s escapades finally got to my soul, and even tho my heart wanted him, my mind overtook my body and said ” NO MORE”
You cant imagine how defective i felt after years of him coming home and just jumping on him or waking him up in the middle of the night or allowing him at 6 in the morning or grabbing him while driving or any other way we had sex, all disappeared. I noticed first, but it was worse once Tim noticed. I thought maybe i was working too hard, i was pulling in over 70 hrs a week, juggling two jobs, and we decided to move in with his father to save money to buy a house. I quit one of my jobs and life seemed good at first but quickly moved down hill when tim became very very aggressive. I knew what this meant and I ran to check his email. In the SPAM box I found a letter from him sister??? Not just any letter… A LETTER ON A DATING SITE HIS SISTER WAS ON ASKING HIM WHY HE WAS ON THE SAME SITE? Why didn’t his sister say something to me? why didn’t she tell him it wasn’t right for him to be on a dating site? Who knows who cares…. But i picked up the phone and told him he needed to come home right now and tell me every frickin lie that he has and if hes hiding one that i dont know about its over.
BOY, do i regret opening my big fat mouth because what comes next might be surprising, even after hearing about everything else……
Not only was he on a dating website, but he was purchasing porn again, was JACKING off at work, and had been talking to some girl he met while on his way to San Diego for a work event. He said he had been speaking with her for a week or so and was trying to meet up with her for casual sex.
I dont think i need to say anymore. If you don’t understand it by now you will Never
MY HUSBAND WAS DIAGNOSED WITH SEVERE SEX ADDICTION/AVOIDANCE ADDICT.
I can continue my story now by telling you that after his diagnosis everything was better and he got help, but that would be a lie .I could continue with my story in a voice that keeps you feeling sorry for me while growing deep resentment for my husband. Yes, He did do all the things I have listed. Yes, he probably did a lot more that I’m forgetting or decided not to share but What Im hoping for is that the women in my situation reading this blog who see themselves can take something, anything, to help themselves get out because my life got much worse and finding a 600 dollars phone bill from the porn he was downloading on his phone so he could JO in public places, including work, while driving on the streets, and the parking lots around his work and house, or the way he was hiring models and trying to sleep with them and if he didn’t, JO to pictures of them while he was working with them, did not hurt me or surprise me the way it use to, It was his constant lying and constant manipulation making me feel it was all my fault and i was lucky to have his love that really put me over the edge.
I had been sober for 2 years and the night i found another one of his trails, It was when i asked him politely and calmly “Hone, i know and I am aware of your lying, please just tell me from your own mouth and i will not mention it or bring it up”. and he replied
“Your FUCKING TRIPPING AGAIN ON DRUGS< I SWEAR TO GOD AND ON MY LIFE, Im not hiding anything from you” Is when i once again BROKE
I confronted him with his trail and he immediately apologized but it was over… If he can swear on his life and Gods then what do i have to believe him anymore. He never in all our years lie to me using Gods name or his life. Thank God we didnt have children. Thank God i was smart enough to be on birth control. I would never want to bring children into a marriage like this or have them raised by a father who could not adhere to his own teachings. I saw him as PATHETIC and on that day wished i had the courage to leave…. But i didnt. Instead I did what i always did and began a path of SELF DESTRUCTION
Why is it whenever someone hurts me, I dont have the courage to leave or stand up for myself. WHY do i insist on damaging myself. I PICK AT MY FACE until IT BLEEDS, I PICK AT MY BODY, I LATCHED ON TO METH AGAIN. I STARVE MYSELF OR OVER EAT, I DRINK UNTIL THE BOTTLE IS GONE………..
A8nt k?nO EZwA ouT! 