“Its always the last day of summer and Ive been left out in the cold with no door to get back in…
Life passes most people by while they are making grand plans for it. Through out my lifetime I have left pieces of my heart here and there and now there is almost not enough to stay alive…
But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition, far exceeded my talent.”….
-Blow
> i wrote this draft weeks ago and hadnt re read it until today.
“Its been hard for me to gather my thoughts long enough to actually make a blog post. They are so scattered and hurt, even the most subtle thought of happier times in the past bring a whirlwind of tears and deep breaths, so intense i would rather keep myself from thinking anything at all. Of coarse in my head that is impossible so instead of not thinking of anything my brain goes into overload and thinks of so many things at once i cant actually keep up or make sense of any of it. This method works for me for a short time or at least until either my grandmother or counselor call me and ask me the dreaded question i know i must answer…
“How are you doing?, Are you Okay?, Im worried about you”.
I cant begin to explain to you how much i hate this question. Its a loaded question and stupid really because we all know IM NOT DOING GOOD. IM DOING SHITTY. ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE.
But of coarse that is not what i can say without my grandmother worrying to death about me and my counselor wanting me to walk into a clinic for inpatient treatment.
What part of what i am going through is suppose to be Okay? I mean really people… none of it is okay nor should i sit here and pretend that everything will be okay. Dont get me wrong… Im NOT saying i feel I am missing what i had and want any of it back in my life. I dont! I dont i dont i dont i dont i dont i dont……”
So much has happened in my life since then and I still find it exhausting to gather my thoughts. I read a passage in one of my books his morning that hit me hard…..
“The Romantic is addicted to ecstasy- and her yearning for rapture becomes agony as she realizes he insatiability of her desire. Seeking absolute union she comes upon the pain of separation. And feeling unable to bear this pain, she longs to forget. Thus, ultimately, the longing for merger (addiction) becomes the longing to forget….. the addiction actually helps the addict forget for a while by drawing her into unconsciousness. But eventually the addict needs more and more to forget, so much that the addictive substance or activity ceases to help. Instead, it turns her back upon herself in agony.”- Linda S Leonard
I cant begin to explain to you how well written and precise this statement is in existence with my current situation and my life as I have known it. i have struggled with this my whole life only to find myself disappointed with all my relationships and at last with myself when it is all said and done.
But this one is different. Its my marriage. Not just some random guy i tried to make it work with or someone off the streets that kept my attention. I gave this man my marriage, like my virginity I can never get it back. Part of me feels he stole it. The same way it was taken from me at age 12 by a man who was well aware of the implications i would later face from losing my innocence. Stolen and vomited on has been my story. I have never been respected or treated the way i dreamed of when i was younger because i never knew i was allowed to have boundaries when the people I have loved and cared about have personally vomited on me and ignored any boundaries I may have tried to carry. Why should my marriage be any different.
I wanted so desperately for him to love me. LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME……but it was never enough. Why would he love me now. I am nothing… I have withered myself away out of hurt and despare. I keep my addiction close by to make sure i never allow the hurt back in. In where it has manifested to something indescribable. I dont know if I have the courage to let it out.
Im so unhappy. So alone; So lonely. Longing for that one person to take it all away. Please TAKE IT AWAY. PLease Take Me away.
>
Image via WikipediaI think NOT!
During the six years of relationship I was far from perfect. Do I blame the complete demise of my relationship on my husband. No! but to understand where the difference lies you would need to know the difference between our addictions….
I have been diagnosed with LOVE, SEX, and DRUG addictions.
and to understand those addiction you first need to understand what an addiction is.
Yes, i know you THINK you know because you had the word for a spelling test in 4th grade, but the real, “true” definition is a little different than what’s printed in Websters dictionary.
Addiction is a “failure to bond”. ” The addiction takes place of a human bond. In this way, addiction becomes a relationship. In essence, addiction replaces human connection.”
So One: Addiction is a love relationship. It becomes the primary bond. With an increased understanding of family and cultural trauma we can see how an addiction substitutes for the warmth and pleasure of a loving relationship
Sex and Love addiction is not about either love or sex. It is about control, fear and shame. I find myself addicted to relationships, because of hidden fears and shame driving my relational behaviors. “You will consciously or unconsciously work to control someone else’s behavior or ideas about you in an effort to secure love. In an effort to avoid abandonment or engulfment, love gets twisted into emotional quicksand.
I have HUGE control issues. I never really saw them or acknowledged them until recently, when I was explaining to my councilor that I had supported my husband and our lifestyle since we had met. I explained sometimes it was easy, like when i was dancing and making thousands of dollars a night. Other times, it was much harder, like when i worked 40 hours for Toyota and still managed to pull in 35 hours at the bar, bartending. I would come home from those nights exhausted and Tim would still roll over at 6am and try to be intimate, when i just fell asleep two hours ago. We had many arguements during that time about the whose responsibilty it was to make sure the house was clean if I was the one working 75 hours a week, i needed to depend on him to keep the house clean. It was so hard explaining to a man that he needs to take on a womens role if the women is acting as the man. I dont recommend that conversation to anyone…lol
So as i was saying, my counselor, Tracy, asked me “why?”. I didnt understand her question, what did she mean “Why?”
She explained… “Why did you work so hard and why did you pay for your guy’s bills and why did you feel it was your responsibility?”
I had never really thought about it. I just took it into my own hands. I remember telling her that i felt Tim wasnt taking the initiative and so there I was, left to take it on.
Then she asked me a really good question….”Why dont you quit your job and find out whether or not Tim would take on the responsibilty?”
WOW, this really, really struck a nerve in my system because i remember thinking at that moment… “Are you kidding me”? She wants me to quit my job and depend on this man who cant even help me during tax season to pay for my life and give me the things I need…. NO WAY< NO HOW
Then she explained that YES, Tim should have taken the role if he wanted to play the role, (like he once told me he did), but that if I was not letting go of the role, it would be hard for a man to adjust after not being the provider for so long.
I remember the words of mother circling my head “CHANEL, NEVER DEPEND ON A MAN!” “NEVER”, “ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU CAN DO IT YOURSELF”, “ITS OKAY TO LOVE A MAN, BUT NEVER DEPEND ON HIM”
I had never been without a job since I was 13. I’ve always made more cash and Ive always felt it was my responsibilty to make sure my needs and wants were met. But this can get in the way, of a man, taking on the role of a man, if you talk about the expectations of the other.
I guess I always thought, if Tim wanted to be the provider, he would just tell me so and but in and take over. But now that i think about it, I put us in a situation where he couldnt provide, even if he wanted to. Our rent alone was 1500.00, plus my car 350.00, our utilities, 200.00, cell 100.00, groceries, 500.00, dining out 300, presents for family, 150.00, gas 700.00 (for both), household products 100.00, car insurance 500.00 (every 3 months), medical 100.00, and God for bid something happen to one of us or our cars cause Tim still needed to invest in his 401k. When i think about it, I realize, I created these lavish lifestyles for us because I could, and because I knew he COULDNT. It was my way of keeping control. My way of saying, “I can do a better job of taking care of me then you can.”
I wish i could say my control issue was my only character flaw, but it/was not. I also ran to drugs when things became unbearable for me to take, or when i felt extremely lonely. Dont get me wrong. I wasnt running to drugs everytime Tim and I had an arguement. It takes me a Long time to go over the edge because of my LOVE addcition, i tend to have a LOT of patients and I try to empathize with everyone but myself. During our relationship I ran to drugs a total of four times. We were/have been together for 6 years. So I started doing cocaine with in 4 months of our relationship after he lied to me about Vegas, his ex, and the porn. I felt lonely but wasnt strong enough to let him go. He dumped me, and i thought i would never see him again because none of my relationships had ever been “on and off”. So i continued on with my life, to find him calling one month later, got back with him and was sober for 2 years after that. Then lie after lie after lie and I ran back to drugs again. This time instead of cocaine i went for meth. I liked meth because it didnt make me paranoid like the coke. I did Meth for about 4 months. Tim left and came back 4 months later, or I should say, decided to be with only 1 girl, and I was sober again. for 2 years. Then right before our wedding I ran back to Meth because of the intense situations i was once again put in and quit the day before my wedding, only doing the drugs for another 4 months. Stayed clean for almost three years and started back 5 months ago.
One of the sexiest things about my husband is his ability to be sober through life. I knew i could never be with a man who wanted to be “high” all the time because i would have a hard time encouraging myself to remain sober. So even though we had fights over the addiction, i always appreciated his view.
I also am a SCREAMER!!!!. and i dont just mean i raise my voice. I learned from my mother it was Okay, to yell at someone if you were frusterated or had the feeling you weren’t being heard. I have been yelling my whole life, and not because i feel im belittling or want to belittle anyone, but because i feel better when i yell. Some people, like Tim, take their anger out on bedroom walls, car doors, or living room furniture, I personally like taking my anger out on the air. I just yell and feel better. I wish people understood, but Tim grew up in a family where you were not allowed to share emotions that were negative or might “stir the pot” so he grew up in a family that never yelled. So when i yelled it quickly set him off either in a rage or off into another world where he was too high to pull back down to earth.
It was only before we moved in with his father ( 2 years ago) that i learned to keep my voice down when i was angry.
I also have a HUGE attention problem. I read it described best in this book i have been reading by Kelly McDaniel, she writes, “I never felt beautiful, so I always needed to find a way to make a man notice me. Sometimes I could do this by the way I dressed or by being flirtatious. Sometimes. I used intelligence. When I got a mans attention , I felt better….more powerful. More like me. The intensity of a mans attention was intoxication, without it, I didnt know myself. and I couldnt function very well. From the attention I gained energy and strength. I felt like a woman because i was wanted. But i never felt safe.”
Because I had this problem with attracting attention, there were many situations were I would give a man my phone number, or take his. I would ALWAYS come home and tell Tim what I had done, which usually sounded like ” Honey”
“Yes Sweetie, what’s wrong”
“Nothing I just need to tell you something”
“What did you do?”
“I just want you to know that i got the number of some guy tonight, i dont even know why, i just did. I dont want to keep in touch and Ill let you throw the number away, but i felt like you should know.”
“Okay, thanks for telling me.”
and that was it. I’m not saying it was right because i told the truth, Im just saying he always knew
Also, I did once get myself into a situation I shouldnt have been in by going on some guys boat and getting a bit too drunk and flashing him, causing him to think i wanted him to take off his pants. But i quickly acted like i was going to throw up, and he turned the boat back to shore with his friends and I ran home in tears and quickly told Tim what I had happened. He was pissed. I remember thinking I had really really wanted positive attention from Tim so I tried to get it somewhere else, but i never knew how to get anything but sexual attention from men. I felt so dirty, even though i hadnt cheated, i felt like i had. I emotionally did and Tim was hurt.
So as you can see. I have been no ANGEL, and im sure it was hard on my husband. I feel terribly bad for the scenes i have caused and the emotional vomit I made him walk through. I never realized I had so much wrong with me. I never really looked at myself for the answers. I just empathized with other people thinking and hoping they would find the answers… not realizing it might be with me.
>
I want you to keep in mind during all of these emails I was with my Husband at the time and he was living with me 6 days out of the week. Even if he broke up with me, He was still sleeping over all the time and promising me “we would work” and blah blah blah……
You can see where G1 tried to come back into the picture. Also how he reads all of his emails except MINE. The porn is normal except i have 10 other emails that look like that with in a months time frame. Seriously the internet is free…..
Tim asks me why i save everything, the good and the bad. I answered by telling him, i keep them for two reasons. One because whether good or bad its ALL a part of my life and has brought me to where I am now and Second because when you insists on making me feel like im some crazy psycho bitch, i can pull these out and assure myself that i am not the one with the problem nor am I crazy.
>Today my husband and I celebrate one month of living separately, if you want to call it that. At first our plans had been to be separate so that we could individually work on ourselves. This theory sounds better on paper, then actually acted out. Its very difficult to understand what your role is or should be when out in public when you know that no matter what, you are married. Even if you both agree that seeing other people and what not is Okay, does that still actually make it OKAY?
I wonder if he or I could take one another back after knowing our bodies had been degraded and spoiled with someone Else’s affection. Would i feel like he cheated? The answers are unclear at this time but one thing is for sure, if he has time to fuck other woman then he has time to work on himself and our marriage and if things were the same when we came back together I would feel the separation was a joke so that we could have time to get out any “un finished business” that we may find along the way.
At this time the separation has been unclear and unfullfillingg. I feel the truth is we are both too controlling to allow the other one the space they need to get healthy. WE are so afraid if we allow the other one to mingle or step outside our domain that someone else, someone more suited, better looking, friendlier, with less baggage, will come sweep them off their feet, causing true love at first sight and the beginning of divorce papers.
This is causing us to sleepover at nights and constantly call each other which is really like were wasting money on a separate apartment for nothing when Tim could be saving that money for our down payment on a house. Which brings me to another good point. If we do settle things and get back together at least im happy knowing Tim will have no argument as to why he hasn’t saved any money at the end of the month. Now that he spends close to 900 a month on a studio I have good reason to believe he was getting too use to me putting big lump sums of money into the bank and thats why he was only able to save 900 with in a 6 month time frame????
But to be honest and insecure for a moment… I miss the hell out of him. I try to think logically about the situation and it really makes no sense except that Im unhealthy emotionally which keeps me in this messed up relationship.
Tim i know you read this at times and i will say, you and i both know and can agree that you have been a lousy boyfriend and even worse husband, but no matter how messed up our relationship is, ITS MY MESSED UP RELATIONSHIP and I MISS YOU. You have been in my life for so long that i can feel my mind and body go through a with drawl. Every night i cry myself to sleep wishing and dreaming that i will hear a knock at the door and when i answer it, you will be on the other side with your pillow and blanket and you will tell me that you missed me too and you dont ever want to be away from me again……
Now im crying because i know thats not true and that you were raised differently and have grown up being Ok with being alone and I have not. I do better when im in a relationship. I feel my goals are bigger and seem more attainable and i work harder.
Why do i self destruct when you are away from me. Why do I feel i have nothing left? I never use to feel that way. I was more independent and secure. Why do I miss your mental abuse and manipulation. why do women go back to bad men? Maybe i used MY sexual addiction as a aid to cover the pain. Maybe it was the piles of cocaine i sniffed that kept me from thinking about how alone i was. Ive always used something. men, drugs, shopping, always something keeping me from feeling abandoned.
Tim- Please dont make me be the woman that has to break your heart in order for you to appreciate and respect women. I know i dont seem strong enough but if i cant do it for me I WILL DO IT FOR HER. The woman you will end up with after me. I will do it so she doesnt have to deal with all the pain. I will do it when you least expect it and i will do it quickly. I will break your heart for your own good if and ONLY IF i have to. I never wanted to be that girl. the girl all men must have once in their lives to make them better. I wanted you to want to be better on your own. But if i have to, please tell her I said “your welcome” when she hugs you at night and sleeps securely in your arms….
Tomorrow is my first counseling session with Dr Tracey. I hear shes good. I hope so. I want to be better. But im afraid if i get better, i will be strong enough to get rid of all the unhealthy relationships in my life, including you…….
happy one month
>From: K
Sent: Wednesday, April 14, 2010
To: T
Subject: Re: Mother’s Day
Hey Tim,
How are you? So I was wondering what your travel plans are for the next few weeks. I am trying to figure out what we can do for mom and wanted to see what your ideas are. Let me know.
Love ya,
K
________________________________________
From: T
To: K; Chanel
Sent: Thu, April 15, 2010 8:43:58 AM
Subject: RE: Mother’s Day
Hey K, can you contact Chanel about that stuff please.
________________________________________
From: K
Sent: Wednesday, April 14, 2010 8:27 PM
To: T
Subject: Re: Mother’s Day
Hi Tim. I must admit I’m a little hurt and saddened by your request to email Chanel about making mother’s day plans for OUR mom. I would have had more respect had you have said go ahead and make the plans then email Chanel with the details.
A while back Chanel sent out a request for all family members to email her if something was dealing with the two of you, but she gave permission to email you if something was directly related to you. Well, I feel that mother’s day is important and it is dealing with you so that’s why I emailed you to both your work and home email.
I do not plan to coordinate mother’s day with Chanel. She and I do not share a mom. You and I do. Please understand that I would like to make plans with you
________________________________________
From: T
To; K, Chanel
Sent: Thu, April 15, 2010 8:43:58 AM
Subject: RE: Mother’s Day
Chanel is my wife and is part of OUR family. She can handle this, handling you … is another question
Please email her; I’m way to busy at work
________________________________________
From: K
Sent: Thursday, April 15, 2010 12:33 PM
To: Tim
Subject: Re: Mother’s Day
loll wow Tim I don’t even know what to say about that comment. I understand you are busy, however too busy to talk for 5 minutes to make a plan for mom. She’s our mother Tim. I know Chanel is part of our family I didn’t say she wasn’t. I want to make plans with YOU. Why don’t you understand that?
________________________________________
From: T
To:K; Chanel
Sent: Thu, April 15, 2010 8:43:58 AM
Subject: RE: Mother’s Day
Please discuss this with my wife as requested in the previous 2 emails.
============================================================================
Okay I really want to be mature at times like these but some people just make it extra hard on you and their stupidity really annoys me. There are so many things wrong with this email; I can’t begin to understand what it is that keeps my husband so loyal to his sister.
First off K… he politely asked you to speak with me. At that point anyone mature enough to look past themselves would have no issue with this request and kindly moved on. BUT NOOOOOO not you. You keep pushing… thinking YOUR LITTLE BROTHER IS GOING TO GIVE IN LIKE he always has with you to avoid confrontation, but no he didnt. He lashed back and told you he was BUSY at work!!!!!!
But this made you madder because you have no respect for his wishes or his feelings especially since you wanted it done right then and there. But again, he requested you email me and I can’t help but laugh at how hard it is for you to be cordial around me. I mean seriously I can understand a little jealously or anxiety because I am not like you and so that makes me unfamiliar and some people don’t cope well with the unfamiliar; but it’s been 6 years and im not going anywhere. Are you trying to get rid of me by being a bitch to me??? Do you think I will run away scared. NO actually the more you treat me with that conceited attitude the more I want to stay with my husband just to annoy the shit out of you so I can think at every family function, NAh NAH NA Nah NAh NA!!!
>http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=whi08-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=0977440036&fc1=000000&IS2=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifrFor any women that has found themselves in an unhealthy relationship they felt powerless to get out of
This book I am reading now… I just cant seem to find the strength to open it every day, unless i have prepared myself. Each time i flip a page its like another chapter into my life, showing all the many ways I have allowed myself to become Co dependent, insecure and the perfect canidate for my many addictions
Be prepared to look within yourself and face the demons standing in your way. Its until you learn to live with them and accept them that they go away leaving you alone to deal with the world one piece at a time…..
Great Book
>
“Sometimes, when I read your blog posts I wonder if you ever truly believe in your heart of hearts that you really do deserve better in life or if you are just comfortable in the redundancy of your relationship. Then I realize, that I really don’t know you and that we aren’t the same person and it’s none of my business. We might have things in common that bound us at one point, but we are not the same person and the things that I did are not the same things that you would consider doing. The truth is, you are a more compassionate and patient person than I am. I know that my strengths as well as my weaknesses lie in the same character trait/flaw. I don’t have patience and therefore I never tolerated the things that you seem to have endless tolerance for. Sometimes, I even wonder why I read your blog posts. It’s like a car accident to me…it’s there and I have to look. The thing that made our paths collide was never really something we should have bonded over. The fact that I entertained such a relationship, makes me question my own sanity. Sometimes, I think that because I even communicated with you in the first place there must be a pinch of insanity within my own mind. Then there are times, when what made our paths cross kind of makes me feel sad and almost makes me feel like a our relationship is like big/little sister and when I say things (that sometimes might be construed by you as ignorant) I say them/write them to you because you have struck a chord within my heart and I really do care for your well-being. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I spend my time pondering the circumstances of which your life has placed you in. I don’t know why I feel compelled to respond or write to you…I just do. Sometimes, I doubt that you even read my responses. I can now admit to you, many years after the fact, that my intentions weren’t always the best. Sometimes, it burned an aching hole in my heart that you were the one with the person I had lost. Then the years passed for me, and things got better for me. I don’t know exactly when the turning point happened in my own mind, but at one point the choices I had made really became the best thing I had ever done and the best thing that could have happened to me. The ache in my heart dissipated and what was left was an awkward friendship with you…but you were my friend nonetheless and that is why I wrote and I cared about your well-being. I guess what all this psycho babble above is about is that I care about you and your well-being, no matter who you are with and I hope that things get better for you. Who knows, maybe they are already better for you as I write this…I really can’t tell because all your pictures always paint you like you are happy, but from what you write you sometimes aren’t as happy as you smile to be…if that makes sense? Anyways, you didn’t respond to my last email, so I’m guessing that you won’t respond to this one and that’s okay. Just know that even if you spent your birthday alone and you felt like you didn’t have a friend in the world, you actually do. You have me as your friend in the most awkward way that a friendship can be…It’s so damn awkward it’s hard to explain to other people…but nonetheless, if you need someone to just hear you out, I’m here. I promise, I will try to do my best to not judge and keep my opinions to myself…before I judged, I admit it and I’m sorry for that. I’m slowly learning that things aren’t always what they seem and when things are presented to us in a certain way, more often than not, we don’t always have all the facts and can’t always see the entire picture…so it’s better to just listen and keep our mouths shut because the almighty foot may grace our mouths more often than we’d like.” -G1
It couldnt have been sent at a better time. I tried so hard to keep my eyes from swelling up but i was no match. She was right, I wasnt happy even if i pretended or tried my hardest to be. So many years of the same bullshit over and over. Every time opening the wound a little deeper, more infected it would get creating an almost abstract scar to hang for everyone to see.
I sometimes lay in bed at nights rubbing his belly until he sleeps thinking about the days i fought endlessly for him only to wish she would have won. I wonder if he would have treated her this way. Its so embarrassing yet humbling to know you get what you ask for sometimes and you get what you work hard for all the time
I didnt know how to respond back. The email came at a time where no words could describe my pain but i was screaming back to her through the computer glass, wishing she knew how much i needed a hand and how much it meant to see that someone cared.
I tucked the letter away where he wouldnt find it. If he found out someone was on my side he would be terrified. He has always won by manipulation and if two pair up he might be at a loss. so for now i will keep this dear to my heart and know i am not alone in the world. This is not a game, this is life, my life and i must take action
>I Read this book http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=whi08-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=0977440060&fc1=000000&IS2=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr months ago when my husband was a newbie to his SA classes. Counselor said he felt i should start coming to terms with the fact that i have in some ways encouraged his behavior and if im ready to start seeing changes i must first look within myself
Book describes partners of sex addicts as “Co dependents” and while reading the list of characteristics of co addicts, i realized i fit their description to a tee and they had my future decisions laid out before me.
Now that i had the information, what was I going to do with it?
>I WRITE NOTES OCCASIONALLY WHEN I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY TO FINISH A BLOG. THESE WERE THE LAST NOTES I MADE THAT DREARY DAY WE HAD NOTHING TO HOLD ON TO BUT LOVE, IF THERE WAS ANY???
NOTES
Seeing Duane (MARRIAGE COUNSELOR)
Crying
Tim yelling about pipe (METH PIPE)
Feeling he is selfish bastard
Knowing he is lying to me
Feeling like he doesnt know how to show concern in a loving way only in parental reaction
Feeling his parents just threw him in the game, wanting to go to them with the truth
Wondering how I last so long?
CRAZY sex on drugs
Needing more drugs to numb the pain
Duane wondering what happened to us in the last couple of months
Knowing it was all fake from the conversation we had previous night (HUSBAND ADMITTED TRYING TO CHEAT ON ME ON
SEVERAL DIFFERENT OCCASIONS, INCLUDING HONEYMOON AND AFTER WEDDING)
Not understanding how i allowed myself to marry him or why he married me
Understanding we fed each others addictions (SEX ADDICTION/LOVE ADDICTION)
Having sex
Him wanting everything to go on as normal (NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY I HAVE NO SEXUAL DESIRE FOR HIM UNLESS IM “HIGH”)
Picking up the book Ready to Heal
and Transformational Journal
Nancy (girl who molested me at young age) requesting me as a friend on facebook (NOT KNOWING IF I SHOULD ACCEPT HER)
Molestation (COUNSELOR SAYS I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT MOLESTATION SO I CAN HEAL)
A8nt k?nO EZwA ouT! 
