>Surprised but not really….

>I know I will get bitched at later for this blog but screw it… Its my fucking blog and it upsets me that people are embarrassed of my blogs and feel as though i should not write them and air my dirty laundry to the public but I say….. THIS WAS and IS my LIFE TOO… you werent embarrassed while it was happening or while you were doing it, so you shouldnt be now. People dont usually go into a situation asking themselbes if they should be careful because someone might blog about it later but maybe they should. Celebrities have tgo do it all the time so i dont really feel that bad.
Everything you do effects someone. Somehow, someway, someone, something happens.
I was thinking of your family while writing these last few sentences and asked myself if they were in the public eye if they would have treated me the same and made the same decisions they chose?
Ive forgiven the immature decisions of your family but I have not forgotten and its been these last few weeks that have really hit me hard on just how “COLD” your family really can be.
Besides them disowning me for the first three screwed up years of our relationship I just recently sent your mother a mothers day boquet that cost me 100 Fucking dollars and never received as much as a “Thank You” from her? I mean she didnt or doesnt have to call and talk to me on the phone she could have very easily of sent a Thank You in an email…..
and she must have asked your father to mimic her because I sent your father chocolates and a  miniture palm tree on Fathers day that cost me another 100 fucking dollars and the same loving response was given… NOTHING
It almost makes me feel as though i have done something wrong??????? Are they really not talking to me because I LOVE their son?
I mean really, what did i do wrong? I only married their son and took good care of him and made sure all his needs were met and even allowed him to walk all over me and lie to me and eventually leave me with everything he gave me… NOTHING!!!
except my engagement ring and wedding ring but to be fair I paid for my engagement ring
So even though i knew your family had issues that they have tried to sweep under the rug and I was very aware of how i brought out those issues and made everyone uncomfortable I still am a little shocked that even your aunt hasnt asked me if I was Okay or sent an email or anything….
I guess im shocked because out of everyone in the family i always thought she was the most normal, if there is such a thing
Donna if your reading this, im not trying to personally insult you. I really want you to know that I thought you were a breath of fresh air and a light in the dark to your family. I know you have your issues and actually we never got close enough for me to speak on the matter frankly but you and I are a lot alike.
We are both addicts and somewhat self destructive when not feeling emotionally stable.
I run to drugs and you run to food
an addiction is a failure to bond
the addiction takes the place of a personal relationship and sense im sure it was difficult for you growing up at times with how critical and judgmental VI can be im sure you didnt feel you could share yourself and ran to food to comfort you.
Maybe im wrong but I want you to know that what ever it is… or was…. continue to speak up and be the comic relief in the family. Thank you for making an effort and not being cold and hard to be around. Whether or not you talked shit when i was gone, i still think you made it easier to go to family functions and tim and I both agree that you and chad 

>Was I Perfect?

>

Image via Wikipedia

I think NOT!
During the six years of relationship I was far from perfect. Do I blame the complete demise of my relationship on my husband. No! but to understand where the difference lies you would need to know the difference between our addictions….

I have been diagnosed with LOVE, SEX, and DRUG addictions.
and to understand those addiction you first need to understand what an addiction is.
Yes, i know you THINK you know because you had the word for a spelling test in 4th grade, but the real, “true” definition is a little different than what’s printed in Websters dictionary.
Addiction is a “failure to bond”. ” The addiction takes place of a human bond. In this way, addiction becomes a relationship. In essence, addiction replaces human connection.”
So One: Addiction is a love relationship. It becomes the primary bond. With an increased understanding of family and cultural trauma we can see how an addiction substitutes for the warmth and pleasure of a loving relationship
Sex and Love addiction is not about either love or sex. It is about control, fear and shame. I find myself addicted to relationships, because of hidden fears and shame driving my relational behaviors. “You will consciously or unconsciously work to control someone else’s behavior or ideas about you in an effort to secure love. In an effort to avoid abandonment or engulfment, love gets twisted into emotional quicksand.

I have HUGE control issues. I never really saw them or acknowledged them until recently, when I was explaining to my councilor that I had supported my husband and our lifestyle since we had met. I explained sometimes it was easy, like when i was dancing and making thousands of dollars a night. Other times, it was much harder, like when i worked 40 hours for Toyota and still managed to pull in 35 hours at the bar, bartending. I would come home from those nights exhausted and Tim would still roll over at 6am and try to be intimate, when i just fell asleep two hours ago. We had many arguements during that time about the whose responsibilty it was to make sure the house was clean if I was the one working 75 hours a week, i needed to depend on him to keep the house clean. It was so hard explaining to a man that he needs to take on a womens role if the women is acting as the man. I dont recommend that conversation to anyone…lol
So as i was saying, my counselor, Tracy, asked me “why?”. I didnt understand her question, what did she mean “Why?”
She explained… “Why did you work so hard and why did you pay for your guy’s bills and why did you feel it was your responsibility?”
 I had never really thought about it. I just took it into my own hands. I remember telling her that i felt Tim wasnt taking the initiative and so there I was, left to take it on.
Then she asked me a really good question….”Why dont you quit your job and find out whether or not Tim would take on the responsibilty?”
WOW, this really, really struck a nerve in my system because i remember thinking at that moment… “Are you kidding me”? She wants me to quit my job and depend on this man who cant even help me during tax season to pay for my life and give me the things I need…. NO WAY< NO HOW
Then she explained that YES, Tim should have taken the role if he wanted to play the role, (like he once told me he did), but that if I was not letting go of the role, it would be hard for a man to adjust after not being the provider for so long. 
I remember the words of mother circling my head “CHANEL, NEVER DEPEND ON A MAN!” “NEVER”, “ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU CAN DO IT YOURSELF”, “ITS OKAY TO LOVE A MAN, BUT NEVER DEPEND ON HIM”

I had never been without a job since I was 13. I’ve always made more cash and Ive always felt it was my responsibilty to make sure my needs and wants were met. But this can get in the way, of a man, taking on the role of a man, if you talk about the expectations of the other.
I guess I always thought, if Tim wanted to be the provider, he would just tell me so and but in and take over. But now that i think about it, I put us in a situation where he couldnt provide, even if he wanted to. Our rent alone was 1500.00, plus my car 350.00, our utilities, 200.00, cell 100.00, groceries, 500.00, dining out 300, presents for family, 150.00, gas 700.00 (for both), household products 100.00, car insurance 500.00 (every 3 months), medical 100.00, and God for bid something happen to one of us or our cars cause Tim still needed to invest in his 401k. When i think about it, I realize, I created these lavish lifestyles for us because I could, and because I knew he COULDNT. It was my way of keeping control. My way of saying, “I can do a better job of taking care of me then you can.”

I wish i could say my control issue was my only character flaw, but it/was not. I also ran to drugs when things became unbearable for me to take, or when i felt extremely lonely. Dont get me wrong. I wasnt running to drugs everytime Tim and I had an arguement. It takes me a Long time to go over the edge because of my LOVE addcition, i tend to have a LOT of patients and I try to empathize with everyone but myself. During our relationship I ran to drugs a total of four times. We were/have been together for 6 years. So I started doing cocaine with in 4 months of our relationship after he lied to me about Vegas, his ex, and the porn. I felt lonely but wasnt strong enough to let him go. He dumped me, and i thought i would never see him again because none of my relationships had ever been “on and off”. So i continued on with my life, to find him calling one month later, got back with him and was sober for 2 years after that. Then lie after lie after lie and I ran back to drugs again. This time instead of cocaine i went for meth. I liked meth because it didnt make me paranoid like the coke. I did Meth for about 4 months. Tim left and came back 4 months later, or I should say, decided to be with only 1 girl, and I was sober again. for 2 years. Then right before our wedding I ran back to Meth because of the intense situations i was once again put in and quit the day before my wedding, only doing the drugs for another 4 months. Stayed clean for almost three years and started back 5 months ago.
One of the sexiest things about my husband is his ability to be sober through life. I knew i could never be with a man who wanted to be “high” all the time because i would have a hard time encouraging myself to remain sober. So even though we had fights over the addiction, i always appreciated his view.

I also am a SCREAMER!!!!. and i dont just mean i raise my voice. I learned from my mother it was Okay, to yell at someone if you were frusterated or had the feeling you weren’t being heard. I have been yelling my whole life, and not because i feel im belittling or want to belittle anyone, but because i feel better when i yell. Some people, like Tim, take their anger out on bedroom walls, car doors, or living room furniture, I personally like taking my anger out on the air. I just yell and feel better. I wish people understood, but Tim grew up in a family where you were not allowed to share emotions that were negative or might “stir the pot” so he grew up in a family that never yelled. So when i yelled it quickly set him off either in a rage or off into another world where he was too high to pull back down to earth.
It was only before we moved in with his father ( 2 years ago) that i learned to keep my voice down when i was angry.

I also have a HUGE attention problem. I read it described best in this book i have been reading by Kelly McDaniel, she writes, “I never felt beautiful, so I always needed to find a way to make a man notice me. Sometimes I could do this by the way I dressed or by being flirtatious. Sometimes. I used intelligence. When I got a mans attention , I felt better….more powerful. More like me. The intensity of a mans attention was intoxication, without it, I didnt know myself. and I couldnt function very well. From the attention I gained energy and strength. I felt like a woman because i was wanted. But i never felt safe.”
Because I had this problem with attracting attention, there were many situations were I would give a man my phone number, or take his. I would ALWAYS come home and tell Tim what I had done, which usually sounded like ” Honey”
“Yes Sweetie, what’s wrong”
“Nothing I just need to tell you something”
“What did you do?”
“I just want you to know that i got the number of some guy tonight, i dont even know why, i just did. I dont want to keep in touch and Ill let you throw the number away, but i felt like you should know.”
“Okay, thanks for telling me.”
and that was it. I’m not saying it was right because i told the truth, Im just saying he always knew

Also, I did once get myself into a situation I shouldnt have been in by going on some guys boat and getting a bit too drunk and flashing him, causing him to think i wanted him to take off his pants. But i quickly acted like i was going to throw up, and he turned the boat back to shore with his friends and I ran home in tears and quickly told Tim what I had happened. He was pissed. I remember thinking I had really really wanted positive attention from Tim so I tried to get it somewhere else, but i never knew how to get anything but sexual attention from men. I felt so dirty, even though i hadnt cheated, i felt like i had. I emotionally did and Tim was hurt.

So as you can see. I have been no ANGEL, and im sure it was hard on my husband. I feel terribly bad for the scenes i have caused and the emotional vomit I made him walk through. I never realized I had so much wrong with me. I never really looked at myself for the answers. I just empathized with other people thinking and hoping they would find the answers… not realizing it might be with me.

>The Acts of a SEX ADDICT

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The look on Duanes face was priceless as we sat there and yelled at each other, just 1 month before our big day. I remember him asking the both of us why we were getting married and the answer was always the same…

Because we love each other.  

Continued

The details of his frequent “One night stands” with girls he met on Myspace, is quite disgusting. I try not to think about those types of adventures because I am reminded that I always allowed him back home and slept with him maybe hours later. I have to pretend he always took a shower before being with me but I cant really prove or say that he did. He says he always wore a condom after getting his first STD, but is that true? Ill never know.  

The Worst decision I could have made, I did! 

On October 13 2007 I exchanged vows with my husband. Over 83 guests arrived, a mixture of friends and family. The wedding itself was top notch, and the look on even my own families face was priceless when they saw what a terrific job i had done. I was proud of myself. I know they thought this “Tweaker” could pull it off but this “tweaker” DID!

I want to tell you that my wedding and wedding night were magical and romantic but they were anything but. I had only asked 3 things of my husband for our wedding day, 1. find out your friends address so i can mail them invites, 2. find out if i mailed everyone in your big ass family a invitation, 3. Do not forget to hire someone or ask someone to video tape our wedding. Well, i should have known when i busy collecting his friends addresses and working with his mother on guests i had forgotten that lived states away and weren’t planning on coming to the wedding but needed me to send a HANDMADE invite to them, that he would forget or not care enough to ask one of his friends to video tape that wedding, BUT he did not forget to bring the video camera… Oh no, not my husband. You know what he thought was more important to film…. The hotel room, on our wedding night. Of coarse, I didnt care at this point because i was married, and even though he continued to stare at the girl all night who did my makeup (she was wearing the most hoochiest dress ever) I thought nothing of it until he yelled her name during sex on our wedding night!

Yup, you heard it…. Instead of us having romantic sex or even dirty sex, we had to have “Fuck up the whole night sex” but both of us didn’t know this then either. I guess it was sort of my fault since i asked him if i was correct in stating he had been checking out “Saleen” the whole night, while were undoing my wedding dress. He said he did check her out a couple of times but he caught her bending over one time and he said he imagined eating her out while i with him. 

I could have done two things with this information on my wedding night. 1. I could have slapped him in the face and stormed out telling him to enjoy the honey moon to Cancun that i payed for by himself, or I could just let it go and use the newly learned information for recreational purposes to help give him a good time. I chose the second and allowed him to call me her name on my wedding night. I cant tell you how sorry i am that i allowed this. I cant watch the tape of our wedding night now, EVER… and i cant take it back. My dress still hangs in my closet and i so desperately wish we would just rent a hotel one night and tape the whole thing over again. but it wouldn’t be the same and we both know it wouldn’t be our wedding night. 

Cancun was beautiful and i decided to go topless for the first time ever at a beach. You think my husband would keep his eyes on the women that all the other women are starring at, ME, but no, and when this one Mexican chick complimented my breasts and said they were the nicest she had ever seen, Tim politely complimented hers, and he would have shaken their hands too, if they had any….. Little do i know that same day as i fall asleep on the sand, My husband goes back up to his room and meets the Mexican chick!. Yes, you heard me, on our honeymoon my husband gets this girls number and HE SAYS they didn’t have sex but he just got her number upstairs and he came back down to be with his wife. 

I guess i should stop there and tell you that i only found out he got her number because when we got back from our honeymoon i checked his email a week later while he was at work and found out they were trying to meet each other after work and had several gross emails talking about being with each other. 

SOBER, HURT, ANGRY, BELITTLED, FRIGHTENED, RESENTFUL, and did i mention SOBER, 

I dealt with this… another episode, another cause of my horrible ability to keep him happy? Maybe it was my slender, athletic, body or my large breasts, Maybe it was my beautiful Blond hair or my big brown eyes. Maybe it was my straight white teeth or my clean shaving skin, maybe it was my intellect or ability to hold a conversation about a topic other than myself, Who knows what it was that kept him always on the “prowl” but yet again their i was feeling ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly , ugly. I felt worthless, unwanted, unloved, unlovable and useless. I always tried to keep the house clean and i cooked dinner for him almost every night. I wore different lingerie and had sex with him the way no women has ever done him before. What was it? Did he really think of himself as soo much better that he had to continue looking to see if he had gotten his best. The one thing i knew about myself that i was confident in was SEX. I have grown up around it http://www.livingwithnoboundaries.blogspot.com.&nbsp; you can read about my past and understand how i had grown up with this sexual confidence that most women did not portray. But at last, it finally happened. The one thing i was scared would happen, the one thing i warned him about, the one thing that had only happen to me once before, it happened

I started losing my sexual desire to be with my husband. I was still deathly attracted to him but it was as if my libido just quit one day. I went to the doctors, changed my birth control, bought toys, imagined other men, whatever was out there i tried. It was too late. Tim’s escapades finally got to my soul, and even tho my heart wanted him, my mind overtook my body and said  ” NO MORE”

You cant imagine how defective i felt after years of him coming home and just jumping on him or waking him up in the middle of the night or allowing him at 6 in the morning or grabbing him while driving or any other way we had sex, all disappeared. I noticed first, but it was worse once Tim noticed. I thought maybe i was working too hard, i was pulling in over 70 hrs a week, juggling two jobs,  and we decided to move in with his father to save money to buy a house. I quit one of my jobs and life seemed good at first but quickly moved down hill when tim became very very aggressive. I knew what this meant and I ran to check his email. In the SPAM box I found a letter from him sister??? Not just any letter… A LETTER ON A DATING SITE HIS SISTER WAS ON ASKING HIM WHY HE WAS ON THE SAME SITE? Why didn’t his sister say something to me? why didn’t she tell him it wasn’t right for him to be on a dating site? Who knows who cares…. But i picked up the phone and told him he needed to come home right now and tell me every frickin lie that he has and if hes hiding one that i dont know about its over.

BOY, do i regret opening my big fat mouth because what comes next might be surprising, even after hearing about everything else……

Not only was he on a dating website, but he was purchasing porn again, was JACKING off at work, and had been talking to some girl he met while on his way to San Diego for a work event. He said he had been speaking with her for a week or so and was trying to meet up with her for casual sex. 

I dont think i need to say anymore. If you don’t understand it by now you will Never

MY HUSBAND WAS DIAGNOSED WITH SEVERE SEX ADDICTION/AVOIDANCE ADDICT. 

I can continue my story now by telling you that after his diagnosis everything was better and he got help, but that would be a lie .I could continue with my story in a voice that keeps you feeling sorry for me while growing deep resentment for my husband. Yes, He did do all the things I have listed. Yes, he probably did a lot more that I’m forgetting or decided not to share but What Im hoping for is that the women in my situation reading this blog who see themselves can take something, anything, to help themselves get out because my life got much worse and finding a 600 dollars phone bill from the porn he was downloading on his phone so he could JO in public places, including work, while driving on the streets, and the parking lots around his work and house, or the way he was hiring models and trying to sleep with them and if he didn’t,  JO to pictures of them while he was working with them, did not hurt me or surprise me the way it use to, It was his constant lying and constant manipulation making me feel it was all my fault and i was lucky to have his love that really put me over the edge. 

I had been sober for 2 years and the night i found another one of his trails, It was when i asked him politely and calmly  “Hone, i know and I am aware of your lying, please just tell me from your own mouth and i will not mention it or bring it up”. and he replied 

“Your FUCKING TRIPPING AGAIN ON DRUGS< I SWEAR TO GOD AND ON MY LIFE, Im not hiding anything from you” Is when i once again BROKE

I confronted him with his trail and he immediately apologized but it was over… If he can swear on his life and Gods then what do i have to believe him anymore. He never in all our years lie to me using Gods name or his life. Thank God we didnt have children. Thank God i was smart enough to be on birth control. I would never want to bring children into a marriage like this or have them raised by a father who could not adhere to his own teachings. I saw him as PATHETIC and on that day wished i had the courage to leave…. But i didnt. Instead I did what i always did and began a path of SELF DESTRUCTION

Why is it whenever someone hurts me, I dont have the courage to leave or stand up for myself. WHY do i insist on damaging myself. I PICK AT MY FACE until IT BLEEDS, I PICK AT MY BODY, I LATCHED ON TO METH AGAIN. I STARVE MYSELF OR OVER EAT, I DRINK UNTIL THE BOTTLE IS GONE………..

>Continued : On my way out… hopefully my body before my sanity

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 Image via Wikipedia

Our sex was better than ever and I was making all the right moves to have him fall for me. I mean really that’s all I ever wanted was to find a man that would love me enough to ask me to marry him and take care of me and be there for me whenever I needed. Right? Wasn’t that what every girl was destined to do? Find Husband, Make Babies, Be sexy, Give Sex.…

What was I doing wrong? Continued….. 

Becca

Brianna

Tracey

Nicole and of course G1 would sneak up in the mix occasionally, each one under his captivating spell. He had a soft child like spirit at times that shined with passion. He had a way of making you feel as though you had known him forever and even if he had left for years, you’re souls would have picked right up where they left off.

He had left me on several different occasions; each time leaving me more winded then the first and more insecure about his return. But he ALWAYS returned. Even during the same day he would return. I knew he had just been with one of his girls and she couldn’t or didn’t do it for him and he would rush to me to have me take care of him. It kills me to think I was so immature and clueless at that time, I actually thought it was a compliment that he would always come back. I don’t think it was until he decided to tell me after having sex one night that he had caught an STD from one of girls and he said, “I thought you should know???????????

 I think I might have thrown up in my mouth at that moment and rushed myself into the clinic the next morning only to have my Dr. hand me a little bottle of orange stuff and advised me to drink it up and not drink anything else for the day. When I asked her if I  would be fine she replied, “Just because you didn’t get something worse doesn’t change the face that he got NGU and had no thoughts about giving it to you.”

I’ll never know if I caught what he had because my Dr didn’t care to test me, she said better safe than sorry and had me drink this potion anyways. I went home that morning feeling so disgusted and lonely. How could he do this to me so nonchalantly? How could he ignore the love we had for each other…. 

Later that week I also had to find out that the girl who gave him NGU, was also a girl I worked with at the same club. What a slap in the face it was to find out he was dating another stripper from the club I worked at. Secretly for an instant I found happiness in knowing she gave him the STD, but the thought quickly turned to depression when I saw her hanging pictures of him in her locker.  

PAUSE….

I don’t know how to continue with this post because its day 4 now and so many things have happened since we have been separated. I feel like I’m stuck and can’t leave my living room couch, yet I have so much I need to do. It’s hard for me to talk about my life when I’m living it and it’s especially hard when last night I found out again he had and was lying. 

 Why didn’t I just let G1 have him? Honestly that is how I feel now. I wish she would have got him. Take him, I’m no use to him anymore and he has completely fucked me up emotionally to be able to accept what he wants to give to me. Every time he talks now I just hear lies. One after the other after the other. 

I pull my hair, pick my face, burn my body and nothing helps the fact that I married a man that I knew was a liar before but made the mistake I promised myself I wouldn’t. I had hoped things would change …..I had hoped he wanted to…. 

To Be Continued

>I want you to understand, you’re not alone

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Image by elycefeliz via Flickr

ATTENTION: THIS BLOG WILL HAVE DETAILED CONTENT ABOUT LOVE AND SEX ADDICTION FOR ADULTS

Its been an emotional roller coaster for us these last couple of months. I was unaware of the consequence it would give us once we let it all go. We cant go back now, its too late.

My husband and I have both been diagnosed as “Addicts”. This does not come as a surprise to me being I grew up in a family that has drug and alcohol abuse problems. The surprise was when I was also diagnosed as a “Love” addict. I knew I had held on to my relationships in the past even when they became unhealthy but I was under the impression it meant I had a lot of patients and understood no one was perfect. It has become more than just an healthy relationship but an unhealthy environment where no child should ever be raised or mature decision can be made

Let me explain so you understand….

*3 Characteristics of Love Addict*

1. Disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on
relationships.
Love Addicts obsessively think about, want to be with, touch, talk to,
and listen to their partners. They rate this person as superior to
themselves, or having more power. They make this person their Higher Power,
but rarely know this is happening.
2. Unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from other
person.
Love Addicts want to be cared for and treasured by another, and are
always disappointed. No one can satisfy their insatiable desires. They will
go to great lengths to get partners to fulfill the big fantasy they have
been holding in their minds for so long. They get very angry when their
fantasy isn’t matched.
3. Neglect to care for or value self while in relationship. – even if
they can fare perfectly well when alone.
A common example is a man who never learns to do basic household things,
preferring to depend on his partner.

*Love Addicts are often attracted to Avoidance Addicts*

Avoidance Addicts are not available for a relationship even if they pretend
to be. They are often focused on addictions such as drug and alcohol use,
work, or sexual affairs.

How can a Love Addict expect one who is avoiding intimacy to take care of
them?

*Repeating Cycle of Love Addicts in Relationship*

1. First the Love Addict is attracted to the power and adulation of the
Avoidance Addict (or another Love Addict).
2. Fantasy is triggered and the Love Addict feels high. “It’s karma,
destiny, fate, we’re soul mates.”
3. The Love Addict feels relief from the pain of loneliness, emptiness
and not mattering.
4. The Love Addict begins to enmesh with the partner, showing more
neediness. Partner starts to move away, but Love Addict denies the reality
of being abandoned by partner. This denial protects against the agony of
rejection and abandonment.
5. Eventually the Love Addict begins to be aware of the abandonment, and
denial crumbles. May rage and get hysterical; may bargain, threaten. Extreme
focus on partner; must know or think about what partner is doing at all
times. Some will stalk, or obsessively call or text message. Others endure
like silent martyrs. May call partner’s boss, announce to others to gain
sympathy. May dress more seductively, go on vacation with partner, have
affairs, showing extreme neediness to lure partner back. Relationship
becomes more and more toxic.
6. Love Addict enters withdrawal. (Avoidance Addict fares better – just
leaves). Love Addict’s original feelings of childhood are activated along
with adult feelings of current abandonment. Pain, fear, anger, jealousy,
emptiness, overwhelm, hopelessness. Extremely intense depression and
suicidal feelings. Fear becomes anxiety and panic. Anger becomes
frustration, rage, or homicidal jealousy. As a result of this loss, the Love
addict may also face loss of income, house, being a single parent. Love
Addict may be so overwhelmed that s/he goes into withdrawal or jumps to next
point in cycle, obsession. This behavior shifts them outside of their
painful feelings.
7. Love Addict now obsesses how to get the Avoidance Addict to return; or
dreams about being rescued; or fantasizes about having a better lover; or
ruminates how to get even with the Avoidance Addict partner; or contemplates
indulging in another addiction like food or drugs to numb the pain; or plans
another sexual encounter with a new partner to avoid being alone.
8. Love Addict now compulsively acts out the obsessive plans. Get drugs,
food at 2am. Burn partner’s clothes. Go and beg partner to return, threaten
suicide. Take overdose of pills. Kill partner, children and self. Go get
laid.

You can now understand how my ego feels about someone being able to guess the fate of my life and the directions i will go in. Its a scarring feeling to know you may not be that different from the rest of the world

My husband was diagnosed with sex addiction almost 2 years ago and even though the situations got worse and the counseling increased, the progress was not lived long enough to be accounted for.

Where do we go from here? How can I ever go back to where I was when I now know it was all a joke, a lie, an unhealthy habit I made to keep myself from having to face my fears and break my habits. So i could fool only myself into believing I was “stable” and secure…

This blog is dedicated to my Husband and Our Addictive Relationship, no matter how “Fucked” up it may be, it is OUR relationship and OUR lives have been effected by it. This is in hopes for a “healthy” next couple of months and a “Sober” & truly intimate future. I want people to know you are not alone with your secrets and addictions. The only person you are fooling is yourself. Within each blog I post (i will try daily thoughts) Please take from them what you can & if necessary get help.

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