>The Acts of a SEX ADDICT

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The look on Duanes face was priceless as we sat there and yelled at each other, just 1 month before our big day. I remember him asking the both of us why we were getting married and the answer was always the same…

Because we love each other.  

Continued

The details of his frequent “One night stands” with girls he met on Myspace, is quite disgusting. I try not to think about those types of adventures because I am reminded that I always allowed him back home and slept with him maybe hours later. I have to pretend he always took a shower before being with me but I cant really prove or say that he did. He says he always wore a condom after getting his first STD, but is that true? Ill never know.  

The Worst decision I could have made, I did! 

On October 13 2007 I exchanged vows with my husband. Over 83 guests arrived, a mixture of friends and family. The wedding itself was top notch, and the look on even my own families face was priceless when they saw what a terrific job i had done. I was proud of myself. I know they thought this “Tweaker” could pull it off but this “tweaker” DID!

I want to tell you that my wedding and wedding night were magical and romantic but they were anything but. I had only asked 3 things of my husband for our wedding day, 1. find out your friends address so i can mail them invites, 2. find out if i mailed everyone in your big ass family a invitation, 3. Do not forget to hire someone or ask someone to video tape our wedding. Well, i should have known when i busy collecting his friends addresses and working with his mother on guests i had forgotten that lived states away and weren’t planning on coming to the wedding but needed me to send a HANDMADE invite to them, that he would forget or not care enough to ask one of his friends to video tape that wedding, BUT he did not forget to bring the video camera… Oh no, not my husband. You know what he thought was more important to film…. The hotel room, on our wedding night. Of coarse, I didnt care at this point because i was married, and even though he continued to stare at the girl all night who did my makeup (she was wearing the most hoochiest dress ever) I thought nothing of it until he yelled her name during sex on our wedding night!

Yup, you heard it…. Instead of us having romantic sex or even dirty sex, we had to have “Fuck up the whole night sex” but both of us didn’t know this then either. I guess it was sort of my fault since i asked him if i was correct in stating he had been checking out “Saleen” the whole night, while were undoing my wedding dress. He said he did check her out a couple of times but he caught her bending over one time and he said he imagined eating her out while i with him. 

I could have done two things with this information on my wedding night. 1. I could have slapped him in the face and stormed out telling him to enjoy the honey moon to Cancun that i payed for by himself, or I could just let it go and use the newly learned information for recreational purposes to help give him a good time. I chose the second and allowed him to call me her name on my wedding night. I cant tell you how sorry i am that i allowed this. I cant watch the tape of our wedding night now, EVER… and i cant take it back. My dress still hangs in my closet and i so desperately wish we would just rent a hotel one night and tape the whole thing over again. but it wouldn’t be the same and we both know it wouldn’t be our wedding night. 

Cancun was beautiful and i decided to go topless for the first time ever at a beach. You think my husband would keep his eyes on the women that all the other women are starring at, ME, but no, and when this one Mexican chick complimented my breasts and said they were the nicest she had ever seen, Tim politely complimented hers, and he would have shaken their hands too, if they had any….. Little do i know that same day as i fall asleep on the sand, My husband goes back up to his room and meets the Mexican chick!. Yes, you heard me, on our honeymoon my husband gets this girls number and HE SAYS they didn’t have sex but he just got her number upstairs and he came back down to be with his wife. 

I guess i should stop there and tell you that i only found out he got her number because when we got back from our honeymoon i checked his email a week later while he was at work and found out they were trying to meet each other after work and had several gross emails talking about being with each other. 

SOBER, HURT, ANGRY, BELITTLED, FRIGHTENED, RESENTFUL, and did i mention SOBER, 

I dealt with this… another episode, another cause of my horrible ability to keep him happy? Maybe it was my slender, athletic, body or my large breasts, Maybe it was my beautiful Blond hair or my big brown eyes. Maybe it was my straight white teeth or my clean shaving skin, maybe it was my intellect or ability to hold a conversation about a topic other than myself, Who knows what it was that kept him always on the “prowl” but yet again their i was feeling ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly , ugly. I felt worthless, unwanted, unloved, unlovable and useless. I always tried to keep the house clean and i cooked dinner for him almost every night. I wore different lingerie and had sex with him the way no women has ever done him before. What was it? Did he really think of himself as soo much better that he had to continue looking to see if he had gotten his best. The one thing i knew about myself that i was confident in was SEX. I have grown up around it http://www.livingwithnoboundaries.blogspot.com.  you can read about my past and understand how i had grown up with this sexual confidence that most women did not portray. But at last, it finally happened. The one thing i was scared would happen, the one thing i warned him about, the one thing that had only happen to me once before, it happened

I started losing my sexual desire to be with my husband. I was still deathly attracted to him but it was as if my libido just quit one day. I went to the doctors, changed my birth control, bought toys, imagined other men, whatever was out there i tried. It was too late. Tim’s escapades finally got to my soul, and even tho my heart wanted him, my mind overtook my body and said  ” NO MORE”

You cant imagine how defective i felt after years of him coming home and just jumping on him or waking him up in the middle of the night or allowing him at 6 in the morning or grabbing him while driving or any other way we had sex, all disappeared. I noticed first, but it was worse once Tim noticed. I thought maybe i was working too hard, i was pulling in over 70 hrs a week, juggling two jobs,  and we decided to move in with his father to save money to buy a house. I quit one of my jobs and life seemed good at first but quickly moved down hill when tim became very very aggressive. I knew what this meant and I ran to check his email. In the SPAM box I found a letter from him sister??? Not just any letter… A LETTER ON A DATING SITE HIS SISTER WAS ON ASKING HIM WHY HE WAS ON THE SAME SITE? Why didn’t his sister say something to me? why didn’t she tell him it wasn’t right for him to be on a dating site? Who knows who cares…. But i picked up the phone and told him he needed to come home right now and tell me every frickin lie that he has and if hes hiding one that i dont know about its over.

BOY, do i regret opening my big fat mouth because what comes next might be surprising, even after hearing about everything else……

Not only was he on a dating website, but he was purchasing porn again, was JACKING off at work, and had been talking to some girl he met while on his way to San Diego for a work event. He said he had been speaking with her for a week or so and was trying to meet up with her for casual sex. 

I dont think i need to say anymore. If you don’t understand it by now you will Never

MY HUSBAND WAS DIAGNOSED WITH SEVERE SEX ADDICTION/AVOIDANCE ADDICT. 

I can continue my story now by telling you that after his diagnosis everything was better and he got help, but that would be a lie .I could continue with my story in a voice that keeps you feeling sorry for me while growing deep resentment for my husband. Yes, He did do all the things I have listed. Yes, he probably did a lot more that I’m forgetting or decided not to share but What Im hoping for is that the women in my situation reading this blog who see themselves can take something, anything, to help themselves get out because my life got much worse and finding a 600 dollars phone bill from the porn he was downloading on his phone so he could JO in public places, including work, while driving on the streets, and the parking lots around his work and house, or the way he was hiring models and trying to sleep with them and if he didn’t,  JO to pictures of them while he was working with them, did not hurt me or surprise me the way it use to, It was his constant lying and constant manipulation making me feel it was all my fault and i was lucky to have his love that really put me over the edge. 

I had been sober for 2 years and the night i found another one of his trails, It was when i asked him politely and calmly  “Hone, i know and I am aware of your lying, please just tell me from your own mouth and i will not mention it or bring it up”. and he replied 

“Your FUCKING TRIPPING AGAIN ON DRUGS< I SWEAR TO GOD AND ON MY LIFE, Im not hiding anything from you” Is when i once again BROKE

I confronted him with his trail and he immediately apologized but it was over… If he can swear on his life and Gods then what do i have to believe him anymore. He never in all our years lie to me using Gods name or his life. Thank God we didnt have children. Thank God i was smart enough to be on birth control. I would never want to bring children into a marriage like this or have them raised by a father who could not adhere to his own teachings. I saw him as PATHETIC and on that day wished i had the courage to leave…. But i didnt. Instead I did what i always did and began a path of SELF DESTRUCTION

Why is it whenever someone hurts me, I dont have the courage to leave or stand up for myself. WHY do i insist on damaging myself. I PICK AT MY FACE until IT BLEEDS, I PICK AT MY BODY, I LATCHED ON TO METH AGAIN. I STARVE MYSELF OR OVER EAT, I DRINK UNTIL THE BOTTLE IS GONE………..

>Neither here Nor There

>Ive been reading some of my past blogs and its occurred to me that i harbor a lot of anger in my heart towards people in my life. This is not good nor is it something i pride myself in. I guess i change my mind on a day to day basis about how i feel and how i allow myself to feel.
I really dont hate tims family and I know they do not have bad hearts or meant to be as judgemental as they were, i think im just wanting to place the blame on someone for tims selfishness and egotistical ways. I want to think that my husband treats me like crap because his parents did something horrible to him and he has a hard time being nice to people now. I would feel better if that was the case but it is not. My husband is mean to me. Hes mean to me because i allow it.
This is not the fault of his mother (who is not selfish what so ever) and this is not the teachings of his father.
Where is it, that tim learned it was okay to treat the his wife like crap while showcasing how well he treats others..
i hate my life. i wish someone would rescue me. Today tim told me that he didnt want to work on our marriage and last week he told me he is not interested in me. He said he hasnt been interested in me and is not. This “tim” reminds me of the tim he use to be back when he was bouncing from girl to girl. Speaking of the old tim i should continue on with my story, o God, I mean my Life

Later that week I also had to find out that the girl who gave him NGU, was also a girl I worked with at the same club. What a slap in the face it was to find out he was dating another stripper from the club I worked at. Secretly for an instant I found happiness in knowing she gave him the STD, but the thought quickly turned to depression when I saw her hanging pictures of him in her locker.

Continued
It was at this point I left that club and decided to work as a bartender at another. During this time, Tim continued to show little remorse for his actions while away from me but as soon as he would come over it was  always the same, Great Sex followed by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Its hard for me to remember every little detail considering it was years ago and because there have been so many events.
Oh, but yes I remember, me trying to be strong one night and confront Tim on how he was treating the OTHER WOMEN, and told him it wasnt FAIR TO THEM and that he needed to call (at the time it was Briana) and “tell her you are back with your ex and end it.”. I remember he got on the phone in front of me and dumped her! Just like that, he dumped her! He said “Briana, im back with Chanel and I cant see you anymore”. I remember hearing her mention something about his clothes through the phone and the last thing he said to her was, “you can keep them or ship them back to me”.!!!
After this came the great night of appreciation. Tim was in a Terrible car accident and half of the skin on his face hung down his nose. He was rushed to emergency where they stitched back his skin and asked him to call someone to pick him up. He could have called anyone that night. His sister, mother, father, anyone, but he didnt, he called me. As i rushed over to be by his side i remember him crying tell me how sorry he was about the way he treated me and how he didnt appreciate me and that he would never be mean to me again because no one else would ever love him now because of his “Frankinstein” Scar. I tucked him in bed that night wishing and hoping things would be different and almost thanked God for that scar, but I was no fool. I knew he would eventually find out that “scars on men are cool” and as soon as i thought the thought, He was back again sticking his dick where ever he could.
I hacked into his email to find he had fucked a girl on MYSPACE, banged a girl he met one night at Tracys, and other attempts that i will never know if they were finalized.
One night I wait by tims dads house parked in front of his window. I just had this interesting, uneasy feeling in my stomach. I had had it all day, it started when Tim made love to me. It was romantic and his thrusts were almost meaningful. He stopped and looked at me in the eyes and held me tightly. At that point my eyes teared up until they rolled down my cheeks. He asked me “Whats wrong?, Why are you crying”. I remember specifically word for word what i answered
“Im just sad because I know even though your with me now, you’re not really mine”
His eyes for a split moment seemed to feel sorry for me, but he quickly held me tight and continued to make love to me.
I know it was God that gave me the uneasy feeling i felt because that night I parked in front of his house to find him rolling up behind me with a girl in the passanger side. He looked like a dear in Headlights. He must have asked her to stay in the car because she didnt move and he rushed over to my car and asked me “What the hell are you doing Chanel?”
“What the hell am I doing?, I think you mean what the FUCK are you doing?”
“We’re not together Chanel”
 “Really? then why did i sleep over last night and why did you have sex with me today?, As a matter of fact does she know we had sex 8 hours ago?”
 I wasnt dumb and I knew acting the way i felt would get me no where and i had only one chance to make a point. I got out of my car, walked over to her side and politely said, ” Hi my name is Chanel, Im Tims girlfriend, Im not mad at you because im sure he didnt tell you that he was a dog, but just know, we did have sex today.”
I barely got the end of the sentence out before he jumped back in the truck and took off speeding down his street. That night i thought i was going to kill myself. I thought about it, but I couldn’t do it. I was so addicted to him, killing myself would do nothing to bring me closer to him. I left our scrapbook on his bench that night and the next morning i made sure to hack into his cell phone and retrieve her number. I explained everything nicely and told her it was up to her to decide if she wanted to go through with it. She was smart and didnt call tim back. I found out he had been dating her for 3 weeks.
Things got weird around my house and i felt as if he was bringing women into my domain. I hid tape recorders and video cams and I didnt know what was worse at the time, the fact that Tim would instantly jack off to anything he could get his hands on or that he would do it even after having sex with me 3 times that day. He would find different ways to do it to. Ways that made me feel inadequate and it started to make sense as to why he couldn’t stay hard all the time.

During this time he never helped me pay rent or pay the bills. I supported us both. I dont remember much after that except spending holidays by myself and my 21st birthday alone, drunk, in my bathroom. I wanted him there so bad. But he didnt care. Tim has always been too selfish to care about anyone else but himself. One good thing that comes out of this quality is you dont have to question his intentions, becuase its always to benefit HIMSELF. If hes spending time with me i didnt question if he was there because he felt sorry for me, i knew it was because he wanted to be there and when he was bored, he left. I know i have blanked out a lot of episodes to make room for new ones. BUT i remember when our lives forever changed.
I started going to church and quit working at the club all together. My father hired me as an office manager and I became more confident knowing he couldnt imagine me beneath him any longer. I remember God telling me I couldnt have sex with Tim anymore and one day he came over and I told him we were going to make love one last time because i wasnt having sex until i was married. I dont think he believed me but as we had sex he started to cry. His tears were a surprise to me and i cried too. I think we both actually beleived maybe this time was it.
I stayed in tims life for a couple of weeks, befriending him and trying to keep him company. At least thats what i told him when actually i was hoping he would break and ask me back.
One night i came over after work and he just looked like shit to me. He was playing video games and when i came in, he looked happy to see me. I put on a mixed cd i burned for him and Tim started to cry again. I asked him what was wrong and held him and he said
“Im so Alone”, “Im just so lonely”
I will never forget that. I asked him to come to church with me and 3 weeks later during alter call Tim stood up and walked himself to the stage and gave his life to the LORD. I balled my eyes out because just a week earlier i explained to my mother who had asked me if i was seriously considering getting back with Tim, that God would not allow me to be with  someone who didnt believe in the Lord. So my mother and I were both shocked watching Tim get Saved.

The post will seem much different from this point because Tim was different and I was too. It was like a weight was lifted. Life was good, but not perfect. Tim threw out over 50 porno videos he had hidden in his bedroom on his own, confessed certain things to me I had not known and was actually starting to be the man i had always imagined he was. Everything was going great until one night
 Tim doesnt come home. Dinner is cold and i have tried to call several times. I give up and fall asleep to be woken up in the middle of the night. Its Tim, who tells me he decided to go to a strip club, my old club. I think out of shock i flew off the handle because we were doing so well. But not until 6 months ago did i find out that was a lie. He actually met a girl at one of his events and took her on a date and he says they only made out. I dont believe him since hes an habitual liar but 3 years later it doesnt matter.
Next Tim proposes to me and 3 months into the engagement Tim leaves for Utah for work and I hack into his email to find that he posted a classifieds add in Craigslist. The add read;
“Looking for a good time, No strings attached.”
This hurt me badly because it was in plain view that he was a dog. Trying to cheat on a woman he proposed to and was about to make his wife. He also spent over a 100 dollars of his companies money in Internet porn webcaming and i watched from states away my fiance pay for conversation with a naked woman touching herself instead of calling me….

>Continued : On my way out… hopefully my body before my sanity

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 Image via Wikipedia

Our sex was better than ever and I was making all the right moves to have him fall for me. I mean really that’s all I ever wanted was to find a man that would love me enough to ask me to marry him and take care of me and be there for me whenever I needed. Right? Wasn’t that what every girl was destined to do? Find Husband, Make Babies, Be sexy, Give Sex.…

What was I doing wrong? Continued….. 

Becca

Brianna

Tracey

Nicole and of course G1 would sneak up in the mix occasionally, each one under his captivating spell. He had a soft child like spirit at times that shined with passion. He had a way of making you feel as though you had known him forever and even if he had left for years, you’re souls would have picked right up where they left off.

He had left me on several different occasions; each time leaving me more winded then the first and more insecure about his return. But he ALWAYS returned. Even during the same day he would return. I knew he had just been with one of his girls and she couldn’t or didn’t do it for him and he would rush to me to have me take care of him. It kills me to think I was so immature and clueless at that time, I actually thought it was a compliment that he would always come back. I don’t think it was until he decided to tell me after having sex one night that he had caught an STD from one of girls and he said, “I thought you should know???????????

 I think I might have thrown up in my mouth at that moment and rushed myself into the clinic the next morning only to have my Dr. hand me a little bottle of orange stuff and advised me to drink it up and not drink anything else for the day. When I asked her if I  would be fine she replied, “Just because you didn’t get something worse doesn’t change the face that he got NGU and had no thoughts about giving it to you.”

I’ll never know if I caught what he had because my Dr didn’t care to test me, she said better safe than sorry and had me drink this potion anyways. I went home that morning feeling so disgusted and lonely. How could he do this to me so nonchalantly? How could he ignore the love we had for each other…. 

Later that week I also had to find out that the girl who gave him NGU, was also a girl I worked with at the same club. What a slap in the face it was to find out he was dating another stripper from the club I worked at. Secretly for an instant I found happiness in knowing she gave him the STD, but the thought quickly turned to depression when I saw her hanging pictures of him in her locker.  

PAUSE….

I don’t know how to continue with this post because its day 4 now and so many things have happened since we have been separated. I feel like I’m stuck and can’t leave my living room couch, yet I have so much I need to do. It’s hard for me to talk about my life when I’m living it and it’s especially hard when last night I found out again he had and was lying. 

 Why didn’t I just let G1 have him? Honestly that is how I feel now. I wish she would have got him. Take him, I’m no use to him anymore and he has completely fucked me up emotionally to be able to accept what he wants to give to me. Every time he talks now I just hear lies. One after the other after the other. 

I pull my hair, pick my face, burn my body and nothing helps the fact that I married a man that I knew was a liar before but made the mistake I promised myself I wouldn’t. I had hoped things would change …..I had hoped he wanted to…. 

To Be Continued

>You make me….

>    Yesterday my husband of 3 years moved out.

I will admit this was somewhat done on a mutual basis, but until he actually started taking boxes to his truck, it had not hit the depths of my heart. I had no idea how much emotion and anxiety i was holding inside until i allowed the first tear to steam down my cheek. At that point I felt somewhat faint and began to hyperventilate until finally the first sound of a cry came out of my lungs and into the empty living room that was once ours…..

How could I have let it get this far? Why was I not doing what I normally did when this would occur? Was he feeling the same way i was??

u
I had found things before November that were hurtful if not more devastating then this last renegade. Plus i felt as if i was starting to become more understanding and use to it. I mean if you really break it down to simple terms, is it bad that your husband wants to jack off everywhere at anytime for anyone to see or partake? I hadnt caught him paying for sex yet? I had heard of womens’husbands cheating on them with several different women even with the big house, beautiful children and even the white fence with dog… I mean I felt sorry for them before i would ever consider feeling sorry for myself. Who was I trying to fool with my excuses, and fantasy land practiced lines. Truth is, you knew more about him then he would ever tell you or want you to know, and it doesnt just stop or start here. Really if I write it down on paper it would look something like this

November 3 2003.
Go into work like any other night only to find it completely dead and boring. Two young guys walk into the club and sit down and immediately several girls flack over to try and snag the kill. Young guys weren’t my type nor did they have the money i was looking for but they were cute and it probably would kill some time until the regulars would show up and want a dance. I walked by after all the other women were turned down and just decided they would keep my company.

“HI, Im Karma, Its boring in here right now so your my victim and you have to keep my company”.
Chuckling- ” Im Tim “
“Hi Tim, besides checking out tits and ass, tell me about yourself.”

He started telling me how he graduated from Milken (my rival school) and worked as a driver for a pizza place. I hadnt heard of the place but before stripping was planning on attending the college right next store. At the time i was sleeping with my abusive ex boyfriend for a place to live but so desperately wanted a way out. I know what your thinking, why didnt i just get my own place? I had a couple before but always seemed to have different men over every night or friends sleep over so that i was occupied and unavailable mentally to understand who i was. Plus the pile of Coke i kept above my washer and dryer didnt help the fact that i was 18, dancing, running from an abusive boyfriend while calling him over to sleep with me and looking for my purpose in life while my vagina was engulfing any mans anatomy. But of coarse at this point in my life i would have never of admitted it to you, even though inside I knew what i had become and what i was destintined to be, “Co dependent”.

Even though Tim had told me he didnt have the money for a VIP dance he after i had left his side he managed to find the money and pull me aside to shyly ask if I would give him a dance even though he turned me down earlier…

In the VIP i dont remember much and what i do remember is a blurr. But I remember being embarrassed to really give him a “good” Dance and for some reason felt somewhat shy in his presence. I thought i was learning more about him as his penis grew and gave me an estimated measurement. It was nice, I could tell and the fact that i was instantly attracted to him did not help but what surprised me more than anything else was the fact that I actually showed up to his place of work after he invited me as he was leaving the club.

Shyly- “I dont know if you would be interested but I would really enjoy it if you came into my work and ill make you a pizza”
chuckling I answered- ” Yeah, OK”

even though I never met any man outside of the club and wasn’t about to say “No” in case he wanted to become a pattenial regular.

As I pulled up to the pizza joint, parking far away so he would not see the big blue boat I drove, I instantly caught his eye as i shut my door and could see his smile from across the parking lot. At that point I saw two other guys come to his side and start to smile as they starred at me walk into the store.

“I didnt think you were going to show up”
” I told you I would and I always keep my promises”

After pizza he had to get back to work and invited me to go to the desert at 4 in the morning. I don’t consider myself High maintenance but unless I was using drugs there was no way i would ever be awake or decide to wake up that early but again I said “yes” and again I did get out of bed, very quietly, so as to not wake up my boyfriend, and scurried out the door to meet him at his house. Right away I felt he was a “good boy” with his dad owning a nice 3 bd rm house in the middle of a nice neighborhood. I walked into his room quietly and looked around at all his motocross posters and baseball trophies. This was definitely what i had been looking for…. “Stability”. Later that day I made sure to leave my mark by fucking him the way i knew, the way I had trained and the way he would remember…It had never failed me before and I was confident it wouldn’t this time. I was right, and from then on came the series of events to take place

Novemeber 15 2003
He tells me he wants me for himself and does not want to see other people, i agree.
Novemeber 18 2003
His girlfriend at the time (We will call her G1-short for Girl #1 to interfere in my plans to make this man mine)celebrates her birthday with his dick in her, realizing something was not right when he was having trouble being intimate..
December 7 2003
I see Tim later on at night and he kisses me softly as I go and celebrate my 19 birthday with some girlfriends only to end up in a horrific car accident on my way home.
December 8 2003
Tim rushes by myself to be with me at the hospital as my parents walk in. I dont have a regular relationship with my parents considering i moved out at 16 but I know they love me.
When they saw tim holding my hand as I was strapped to the bed my dad walks in and immediately asks

“Who are you” directing his question at Tim
“Hi im Tim, Im seeing your daughter”

They release me from the hospital and when it is discovered that it is raining outside, Tim rushes to take off his size 11 shoes and put them on my size 7 feet so that I dont walk in any puddles, and as he put his coat around my shoulders I could tell he left an impression on my dad who was smiling and my mother who was “aaawwwwing”He showed up at my parents house and I slept on his knee as i recovered from the accident

Christmas- I go to his families house only to be starred at and made very uncomfortable.

Sometime after that- We get drunk at his friends house as his phone rings. It her, G1, and she wants him to pick her up because she is in Long Beach. I find out he has not broken up completely with his girlfriend and politely grab the phone from him and tell her if she is drunk and needs help we will pick her up together. She did not like this answer….

later I yell at Tim asking him why he has not told her about me and how could he have lied to me when he has been having sex with me everyday and I have been practically living at his house. I can not remember the excuse he told me at that time but he seemed sincere enough for me to keep going

2004- I meet most of his friends and he tells me he is going to Vegas for an all Guys party and will be back. I believe him and buy him an expensive dress shirt and slacks so he will look nice in Vegas and was careful to not show him my insecurity about him leaving with all men.

Couple days later- He calls my parents house asking for me but I am not there, my mother hears a girls voice in the backroung of his call and immediadently calls me to tell me that Tim called and that she heard a women’s voice. I find out Tim was the only one to not take his girlfriend on the trip and tells me the excuse it was because I had not turned 21 yet and didnt want me to have a boring time
Tim comes home from Vegas- I find lipstick on his collar

Next Month- We go out to eat and as I puke in the back of an alley, after drinking too much, He rushes to my side with a box of Kleenex. I hug him and whisper in his ear that I love him. To this he tells me I am drunk and I repeat myself so he understands I am serious. He looks at me in my eyes and tells me ” I love you too”

I find an aparmtne and immediately Tim moves in with me. Life is great. Sex is awesome and I have been sober for longer then ever before I started dancing.
One night I decide to let an old friend over to my new place where he gives me a line of Coke. At that point I could not stop and when Tim called to ask me what we wanted to do later that night, I told him I was going to call it a night and go to bed. He said he was going to too
Later that night Tim comes by and sees that there is another man at my house and starts yelling at my door. As I look outside there is his friend Jon and his girlfriend Christine but there was also one other girl in the back of the vehicle. I give tim the guitar I bought him only two days before on Valentines day.
This was the only thing he wanted as he stormed out of my driveway.

After that i went back to my old ways and was Coked up most of the time. I never heard from Tim but the story goes when Jons girlfriend heard i wouldn’t be coming to the movies she invited a girlfriend to keep Tim company and Tim appreciated the gesture. He also started dating this girl after our fight and she happens to live at the end of my block in a frat house. I also hear he likes her big tits….

Months go by and I dont ever think about Tim until one day I check my messages to hear Tims voice tell me to call him back. My heart pounds and I make sure to get cleaned up and dressed before we meet to give him back his Walkman. I knew this was an excuse to see me and i was going to take the opportunity to make sure i planted my seed right back in his life

I dont remember when i started getting suspicious but there were events that caused me to check his email one night. Maybe it was the fact I never understood why he was upset at me doing coke and lying about it but that he never admitted his friends Jon and Christine were trying to hook him up with someone else that night and he took the offer only to probably be disappointed and show up at my house at the wrong time that night. What ever it was I ended up finding several letters from G1 in his email box, talking about how she misses him and had fun going out to eat with him after school. I didnt understand this because Tim and I had been back on for several months and my life was sober and good again. Our sex was better than ever and I was making all the right moves to have him fall for me. I mean really that’s all I ever wanted was to find a man that would love me enough to ask me to marry him and take care of me and be there for me whenever I needed. Right? wasnt that what ever girl was destined to do. Find Husband, Make Babies, Be sexy, Give Sex….

What was I doing wrong?

To be continued