>I wanna Push you around

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“Im sorry… I never meant to take you for granted. I never meant to control you.
So much i need to say and yet so much you have move forward from

I watch you… I see how you’ve recovered so much better than i ever could.
We both knew it would end up this way and we both knew you would win
You’ve always been the stronger one.
Ive always been weak.

Do you think about me.. alone in the world? do you wonder how im doing?
Ive always needed you more
The days are going by
I wish i was easier on you
I wish you could have seen the real me
the one trying to love you the only way i knew
the only way i was taught

Im sorry. There is so much more i wish we would say
so much more that can be said
but nothing we havent already moved forward from.”

This was another one of those blogs that i wrote weeks ago and didnt post it. i do that often now because i realize my heart is a big fat liar.
I cant trust it
I should have never trusted it
I see this now because I went and married a man who could express his un dying love for me one second and take a vow before God and the next second throw away every picture we ever had together and not pick up a call with my number on the caller id.
How do humans do this to one another?

Im starting to think marriage is a joke.
Im not sure i want to ever get married again
Are we even friends? Can we even be friends?
Probably not is what he would tell me just to make me feel shittier
less wanted and less deserving
Im not falling for it this time
If you really dont want to ever see me again i will grant you that wish
I have done a good job healing
im recovering
I dont stalk you
i dont go over and try and persuade you to come back
I dont cry and make a sceene
These things are huge steps for me
sounds childish but thats how i got my husband to love me and propose
thats why i must let him go and be free
if he loves me then he can re propose someday
maybe down the line
we can be together again
i would only hope
but i wont hold my breath
I need to get healthy

>How do you look at it?

>You would never guess we had secret issues and burdens unless you asked us how we met…

I was a stripper at the time trying to stay clean off drugs, trying to find that “someone” better who would help me out of the abusive “ex boyfriends” house. Of coarse I lived there paying my way with sex.

My husband was “All star Baseball athlete” involved with a girl he met in college and was finding himself wavering away because of the long distance drives to see her and her lack of sexual maturity and intimate encounters.

I came from poor family of addicts and slow learners

He came from a middle class family of compulsive eaters and fakers

I was attracted to him from the first time i laid eyes on him. I didn’t care if he had felt the same because I knew how to manipulate using the one tool God gave me. I wanted this man and I knew If I worked hard enough I would make him Love me and eventually say that words I longed to hear…” Marry Me”

6 Years later Im writing this blog on a laptop in the middle of the night at the HILTON in Vegas while my husband is asleep in our bed. I could have gone to my families or rented something closer but i knew Vegas was just far enough away to stop my husband from following and yet close enough to be by his side if something serious were to happen or if i just felt he was cheating and I needed to get there fast.

What happened? Why have I been eating Taco Bell for the last 6 days and enjoying the free shampoos and conditioners the hotel so kindly supplies…

Were at the point of “Healing” our therapist would like to purswayed us,  but as we’re screaming down each others throat making more and more excuses for what we think our marital problems are, (which of coarse is always on the other person because why would anything be wrong with our own thoughts and feelings? I mean, I can see it so clearly in my Head… why cant you?) Its hard for either one of us to beleive that this is the “Healing” process and not the “Landslide”

Both my husband and I have been playing this game of tug a war for too long now and I can see it in his eyes, he’s just as worn out as I am but like me, too stubborn to give in and not ready to let go.

Where do we go from here? What is the next step?
When it finally is said aloud that my husband was in love with my sex and not my “being”, I cant help but choke up inside and wonder why I couldnt believe it when I saw situations happening before my eyes.
I knew it all along but could never admit it out loud. When my husband would stray from me I would lasso him back with my body and eyes. I made sure I was the last thought in his head before he would wonder at nights. Even pretty women didnt have a chance.. I was a professional. I worked in the sex industry and heard day in and day out about what men wanted and how their wives were not completely pleasing them sexually and how they were too embarrassed to talk about what they actually wanted. Its sad really…

“How did you allow me to marry you knowing you didnt really love me and werent really ready to commit?” I yelled,
But realized at that moment I was more enraged in the fact that I was too insecure and immature that I allowed myself to marry him while even knowing he had tried to cheap on my every 5 months and was lying about one porn dvd or another.

Thats right, my  counselor throws  back in my face. You had warning signs  before but because of YOUR addiction, you became the perfect couple to manifest your deep dark bullshit.. together forever, within eachother.

“See you next week? same time?” he asks

This was the moment I was given the knowledge of what I had so longed for…. why i was powerless to let go, and yet so unhappy. I was a Love Addict, better yet, I was and will always be an addict, & my fear of abandonment will always keep me unfilled and depressed, yet wont move from right where i am.

Or can i change? Is it too late…..