>This hurt me badly because it was in plain view that he was a dog. Trying to cheat on a woman he proposed to and was about to make his wife. He also spent over a 100 dollars of his companies money in Internet porn webcaming and i watched from states away my fiance pay for conversation with a naked woman touching herself instead of calling me….
continued…
I cant begin to tell you how disappointed i was, how hurt and betrayed I felt. I felt not only lied to by my husband but abandoned by God. “Where are you now GOD”? I know he didnt not promise that all days would be great but this was just a smack in my face. Tim and I had been doing so well. We were also in Pre Marital counseling at our church during this time and i remember us walking in one Wednesday and i just balled my eyes out telling the instructors about what I thought tim had done. Tim just sat there, lifeless, blank, and cold while we all prayed together and discussed the actions we should take to prevent this from happening again.
6 months before the wedding was hectic. We decided to move into a bigger unit with a garage so Tim would have more room to work on his truck. It was a nice apartment and i felt a relief leaving the old one behind. I was planning the wedding by myself and paying out of pocket for more than half of it. I wanted to prove to his family that i was not some ghetto piece of trash but had ideas and thoughts just has good as the rest and could execute them like no one else. I dont know why i felt i had to prove myself when I was around them but they always had a way of making me feel as though it wasn’t good enough. I had discussed with Tim my concerns of children at our wedding being that it was a night time event with a full bar, candle lights, and many drunk friends. He agreed with me and we placed the “adult only wedding” sign at the bottom of our invitations.
Boy did this start some controversy within his family.
See they had already put it in their heads that his sisters child, tims nephew, would be ring bearer or something and could never imagine a wedding with out this 3 year old boy attending. It became the great debate within our families and i remember losing my feeling of ever being understood by Tims family. We were just too different. His sister took it has a personal slap in her face and made sure to turn this whole wedding that was suppose to be about Tim and Chanel joining as one to Will Tim’s sister show up to the wedding? She cried to her mom and her dad who called me and tim and tried to get us to change our minds which if was left to tim to hear on his own, would have caved in and passively agreed. He doesn’t want to argue or debate with anyone especially his family. In Tims family i think its considered “unhealthy” to argue or debate but i personally do not feel this to be true if done in a constructive manner and to be honest, the way it was handled was in my opinion immature and one sided. All the grandparents and his parents were more worried about getting Kayson into the wedding then making sure their son was happy or felt excepted. I stood my ground though, and helped Tim for the first time stand his.
I dont remember exactly when things started changing again but before the wedding had actually taken place tim had managed to build an affair with a co worker of his.
I would log onto his email while he was at work and watch as they invited each other to lunch and flirted back and forth. Half of me was disgusted and scared, my heart was already broken and for some reason I had felt too much had been purchased and planned to cancel the wedding now. I so desperately had wished at that moment we had purchased some kind of wedding insurance where I could have called it off without losing the 12k that was already spent. But their I was….. alone but engaged.
He would come home at nights and either be really happy as tho his dick was just sucked in the office bathroom or horribly aggressive. He never told me about his affair and as the wedding got closer and more lies were told I BROKE
See i couldn’t tell tim I had access to his email because I knew being the liar he was he would just create a fake one that i could not find, which would put me at a disadvantage, and I couldn’t try and drag it out of him because when i did he disgusted me even more when he would tell me how stupid and psyhco was being and that i needed to learn to trust people and stop blaming everything on him and so forth. I would rather not see this side of my husband because it makes him out to be 10times more of an asshole then what i wanted to see in him. So i let it build inside me and to release my pain and continue on with what was suppose to be the most beautiful wedding, I made a friend with Meth.
As, Tim would leave for work, i would kiss his soft lips and for the split moment feel special. Once gone, looking at his Internet activities the night before while i was working or out purchasing things for the wedding made me feel enraged and belittled but after the hit and white cloud was exhaled from my lips, I felt nothing, nothing but numb.
I latched on to meth for the next 3 month before our big day and when Tim noticed my sudden loss in weight and the disappearance of my body in bed at nights he began to question. I hated answering all of his questions, and listening to his rhetorical lies. How he would argue and fight with how wrong i was being by doing drugs but never mentioned any of his little escapades made him look foolish and cowardly to me, but not until he gave me my first black eye, did i learn not to tell him to his face.
Dont get me wrong, he didn’t mean to and i know I didnt always keep my calm when we fought causing him to get more upset then was needed. I would scream at the top of my lungs trying to get him to listen to me and hear the importance of my cries but tim came from a family where you stayed calm and collected and it was this calmness about him that really just put me on edge. Why when im crying and pouring my feelings to you about your affairs and lies do you insist on telling me to calm down and shut up. This would only add fuel to the fire and when he would ignore me is when i would get in his face. It was this move that i needed work with. I always watched my mother yell and scream and get into my dads face when they argued. I never liked it when she would yell in mine either but years later i can see my mother in the reflection off Tims pupils as I used the only distress signal i was ever taught; my voice. So it wasnt long before it would turn to violence. I knew it and he knew it but i think we were both shocked when my blood vessels proved it. After that night it became apparent to me that Tim got the wrong impression when i apologized for my actions and told him how i felt it was the cause of his fist. I feel this way because then it was pusing me into things like the corner of a dresser, up against a wall, and im sure a couple other items that made me feel he felt no remorse. I still have a scar from the first time he pushed me against the edge of a sharp cabinet. I told him it hurt but he didnt care.
After finding my meth pipe one night he ran to his mothers house the next day. We were all suppose to meet for a family gathering and it would be special because my family was invited too. All i know remember is the look of disgust she gave me when i showed up at her door to speak with her son, my future husband. I knew then that he had told his family i was using in hopes to get their sympathy and support. I remember feeling like i wanted to start creating a timeline of all Tim’s mistakes to earn their sympathy on my side. I never said anything about Tim at all and left the family gathering with Tim by my side apologising for his actions. He will never understand what its like to feel the way i did that day & I quickly called Duane and scheduled an appt for our first professional counseling session.
Duane Osterlind is a great guy and i knew i would have to pick a male couselor to help Tim and I get over our problems or else Tim would feel as though he was being attacked if he was a she.
The look on Duanes face was priceless as we sat there and yelled at each other, just 1 month before our big day. I remember him asking the both of us why we were getting married and the answer was always the same…
Because we love each other.
A8nt k?nO EZwA ouT! 