>Surprised but not really….

>I know I will get bitched at later for this blog but screw it… Its my fucking blog and it upsets me that people are embarrassed of my blogs and feel as though i should not write them and air my dirty laundry to the public but I say….. THIS WAS and IS my LIFE TOO… you werent embarrassed while it was happening or while you were doing it, so you shouldnt be now. People dont usually go into a situation asking themselbes if they should be careful because someone might blog about it later but maybe they should. Celebrities have tgo do it all the time so i dont really feel that bad.
Everything you do effects someone. Somehow, someway, someone, something happens.
I was thinking of your family while writing these last few sentences and asked myself if they were in the public eye if they would have treated me the same and made the same decisions they chose?
Ive forgiven the immature decisions of your family but I have not forgotten and its been these last few weeks that have really hit me hard on just how “COLD” your family really can be.
Besides them disowning me for the first three screwed up years of our relationship I just recently sent your mother a mothers day boquet that cost me 100 Fucking dollars and never received as much as a “Thank You” from her? I mean she didnt or doesnt have to call and talk to me on the phone she could have very easily of sent a Thank You in an email…..
and she must have asked your father to mimic her because I sent your father chocolates and a  miniture palm tree on Fathers day that cost me another 100 fucking dollars and the same loving response was given… NOTHING
It almost makes me feel as though i have done something wrong??????? Are they really not talking to me because I LOVE their son?
I mean really, what did i do wrong? I only married their son and took good care of him and made sure all his needs were met and even allowed him to walk all over me and lie to me and eventually leave me with everything he gave me… NOTHING!!!
except my engagement ring and wedding ring but to be fair I paid for my engagement ring
So even though i knew your family had issues that they have tried to sweep under the rug and I was very aware of how i brought out those issues and made everyone uncomfortable I still am a little shocked that even your aunt hasnt asked me if I was Okay or sent an email or anything….
I guess im shocked because out of everyone in the family i always thought she was the most normal, if there is such a thing
Donna if your reading this, im not trying to personally insult you. I really want you to know that I thought you were a breath of fresh air and a light in the dark to your family. I know you have your issues and actually we never got close enough for me to speak on the matter frankly but you and I are a lot alike.
We are both addicts and somewhat self destructive when not feeling emotionally stable.
I run to drugs and you run to food
an addiction is a failure to bond
the addiction takes the place of a personal relationship and sense im sure it was difficult for you growing up at times with how critical and judgmental VI can be im sure you didnt feel you could share yourself and ran to food to comfort you.
Maybe im wrong but I want you to know that what ever it is… or was…. continue to speak up and be the comic relief in the family. Thank you for making an effort and not being cold and hard to be around. Whether or not you talked shit when i was gone, i still think you made it easier to go to family functions and tim and I both agree that you and chad 

>Mothers and Fathers are not chosen….

>My Grandmother once told me that are family is not decided by us, but chosen for us. She explained this to me as I was screaming over the phone about how frustrated I was with my mother for putting my lil sister through this dramatic situation that could have been avoided if my mother would be mature enough to seek professional help. My Grandmother reminded me that it is perfectly alright to not like, love, or respect some of your family members because unfortunately you do not chose them. I didnt understand this philosophy because as an adult you were raised your whole life to feel that blood is thicker than water and that family is there forever and blah blah blah. But as im growing and maturing I realize, If i was able to pick my family members now, as I am allowed to chose my friends, half of my family would be forgotten.

Lets be honest for second. When we chose are close friends, we really, or at least some of us, really check people out first. We listen to them, and we need them and sometimes they need us and on those terms we decide if this person is capable or if this person is even anything like us to want to tolerate them, and by tolerating them we are actually saying…. I am allowing you to fill my life with your DRAMA at times because I care and because I respect you enough to want to be there for your drama and hope you are there for mine.

I really only have a 3 people in my life i would consider to be good friends, and those people have really dealt with some of my shit and I have dealt with some of theres and i listen and put there motives together and really honestly TEST them to see if these people I want in my circle of life. I ask myself…. WHY CANT WE DO THIS WITH FAMILY. Or i should say I WISH WE COULD DO THIS WITH FAMILY.
So many of us are NOTHING like our family members and yet for some reason we are told we have to LOVE THEM and respect them. I remember posting below and talking about how i didnt feel FAMILY was your blood line, and i MEANT IT. FAMILY IS soooo much more

As an adult I would chose a mother with less baggage and drama and I would make sure she was a good role model for my lil sister and wife for my dad. As a dad I would have wanted someone that was more emotionally there for me who could see I was going the wrong way and pull my aside and talk to me about the right and wrong ways to pick up a man. My grandfather would have been someone smart enough to see I was being molested and take me away to safe place and my Uncle would have come to my wedding.

I see my husband and the pain he has for his family i wish i could explain this philosophy. See my whole life i felt not worthy in front of my step dad who constantly made me feel like i was a bad person and liar. My mother always argued with him even though it was not for me or my wants… I think she argued now to have herself be heard because i was always in trouble no matter what. Anyways my point is that i grew up feeling like i needed to prove myself to my dad and as adults if we are honest with ourselves there is always that one parent that your still trying to get your approval from. For instance, my mother does not know this or hasnt put it together yet or maybe she doesnt care but my father has always gotten bigger and better Christmas presents from me. Im talking expensive gifts…. Why do i feel i can buy his love? i dont…  BUT im still seeking his approval… I see it happening and Im even blogging about it but on Fathers day i will still do it. Ill still make sure his gift is the biggest and the best.

Same goes for my husband. Because my husband knows he has my approval already he tends to treat me with less importance and try and seek his parents approval. At times this makes me jealous because i am only human but other times it makes me sad that my husband is still seeking for his unicorn, as am I.

Its not that his parents don’t approve. Im sure they think they did a fine job of showing Tim approval but they don’t understand because they are too involved in their own lives to worry about their sons. Or maybe i should be nicer and say that they are kind of too “old school” to even think that the way they decided to bring up their kids would effect them their WHOLE lives. I mean, Tim isnt the only one with issues. It says something about his sister who stayed with a man who beat her. I also see why she has gone on to always be the center of attention because if you don’t try, you dont get any….. For example my husband doesn’t try to get attention. He never has, he just sits in the sidelines and the family interprets that as, tim doesn’t want any attention. Kim, likes to get attention by either using her son, her boyfriends, or her drama or attitude, and gets a lot of attention. They figure ill give it to her because shes asking. Some families will never understand that some people feel they are a burden if they ask. Some people feel they are not worthy of extra attention. Some quietly wait on the sidelines SCREAMING in the inside for love and affection, only to be screaming their whole lives at no one but themselves.

i may continue this one or edit it later

>Im afraid to even say the word….. FAMILY

>

Image via Wikipedia

Yes, I know, I dont want to have to go there either but that’s the next page in my life that i must discuss with you, no matter how screwed up and tragic it may be. Im actually surprised I didnt bring it up sooner because to be honest some of these events came before the new girls.

Family, or should i say the people who share the same blood as Tim have played an important role in my life and yet I try not to think about them as necessary or important, or at least i didnt.

I must quickly add this smart ass remark before i go any further because knowing them (tim’s family) they are keeping up with all my pages so that they can call one another and gossip for hours about how inappropriate and immature i am, and how Tim belongs with someone sooooo much better. Actually Im almost positive that either his witch of a sister “K” found my page first and emailed her mother who emailed her aunt or something along those lines. Really the men of that family arent so bad. The Men are pretty damn cool in my book, except his father. Its not that hes not cool, but hes on a whole different level and i consider him a different family. Its like we have Chanels Family, Tims family and his dad…. lol. i dont know why this is, it just is.. you will see later.

Ok so what i wanted to say was Im not trying to offend anyone in this blog or hurt anyones feelings but this is MY LIFE, how I SEE IT and how I HAVE FELT THINGS. So please try and PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES.

Ok so i needed to add that tid bit because im going to explain why i have such a hard time calling Tims blood line his Family. Family means different things to different people and in my opinion “Family” is not always the people who share your blood, they are the ones who except, love, try to understand, hold out their hands and love you no matter what because it makes them happy to love you, not because they have to. Family comes to you before you have to go to them to make sure your OK. Family is also in my opinion your number one source for information on life, love, and everything else. I believe you should have some of your most personal conversations with your family BECAUSE you are a product of your environment (family) and most likely you guys will/ should have the same opinions and reactions, and in the case you consider a family neighbor of a friends parent or someone not related to you as your family, this rule prob still applies because your either spending so much time with them or you respect them and look up to them so you will find yourself being like them or learning from them. It makes no sense or should i say it makes less sense to ask a friend about personal questions because they didnt grow up the way you did and they wont react or feel the same way. For instance, I talk to my mother and grandmother about porn. I know this is weird to some, but i do this because i know I got my insecurities of it from my mother. My mother talks to me about how she came about feeling negative about it and informed me of personal things that happened in her life. Now i can chose to use this as my reasoning behind my actions and thoughts, or i can get a second opinion and thats why i go to my Grandma. Not only is she beautiful but my mother says she has no problem being around porn and that her insecurities did not come from her mother so this is perfect for me to get another side of things. My GMA is so understanding and wise and she talks to me about how its not important in the scheme of life and how I can not go judging myself based on every porn my husband has ever watched or thought of. Anyways im losing track. The reason i go to them instead of my friends is because i know im half like my mother and sometimes like my Gma, because i was raised by both at different times. So i know that both my need to understand why i feel a certain way about a subject will be met and why i will react a certain way will be understood as well. Just so you know i dont believe family is always right and thats the reason i didnt say, the answer to how something should be will be given, because family cant give you the right answer to how you should be or feel, they can only tell you about themselves and why they do it and its up to us as adults to accept their reasoning as our own or to say “you know, i think there’s more to this” and do your own investigations

give me a second to pee