>I wanna Push you around

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“Im sorry… I never meant to take you for granted. I never meant to control you.
So much i need to say and yet so much you have move forward from

I watch you… I see how you’ve recovered so much better than i ever could.
We both knew it would end up this way and we both knew you would win
You’ve always been the stronger one.
Ive always been weak.

Do you think about me.. alone in the world? do you wonder how im doing?
Ive always needed you more
The days are going by
I wish i was easier on you
I wish you could have seen the real me
the one trying to love you the only way i knew
the only way i was taught

Im sorry. There is so much more i wish we would say
so much more that can be said
but nothing we havent already moved forward from.”

This was another one of those blogs that i wrote weeks ago and didnt post it. i do that often now because i realize my heart is a big fat liar.
I cant trust it
I should have never trusted it
I see this now because I went and married a man who could express his un dying love for me one second and take a vow before God and the next second throw away every picture we ever had together and not pick up a call with my number on the caller id.
How do humans do this to one another?

Im starting to think marriage is a joke.
Im not sure i want to ever get married again
Are we even friends? Can we even be friends?
Probably not is what he would tell me just to make me feel shittier
less wanted and less deserving
Im not falling for it this time
If you really dont want to ever see me again i will grant you that wish
I have done a good job healing
im recovering
I dont stalk you
i dont go over and try and persuade you to come back
I dont cry and make a sceene
These things are huge steps for me
sounds childish but thats how i got my husband to love me and propose
thats why i must let him go and be free
if he loves me then he can re propose someday
maybe down the line
we can be together again
i would only hope
but i wont hold my breath
I need to get healthy

>Neither here Nor There

>Ive been reading some of my past blogs and its occurred to me that i harbor a lot of anger in my heart towards people in my life. This is not good nor is it something i pride myself in. I guess i change my mind on a day to day basis about how i feel and how i allow myself to feel.
I really dont hate tims family and I know they do not have bad hearts or meant to be as judgemental as they were, i think im just wanting to place the blame on someone for tims selfishness and egotistical ways. I want to think that my husband treats me like crap because his parents did something horrible to him and he has a hard time being nice to people now. I would feel better if that was the case but it is not. My husband is mean to me. Hes mean to me because i allow it.
This is not the fault of his mother (who is not selfish what so ever) and this is not the teachings of his father.
Where is it, that tim learned it was okay to treat the his wife like crap while showcasing how well he treats others..
i hate my life. i wish someone would rescue me. Today tim told me that he didnt want to work on our marriage and last week he told me he is not interested in me. He said he hasnt been interested in me and is not. This “tim” reminds me of the tim he use to be back when he was bouncing from girl to girl. Speaking of the old tim i should continue on with my story, o God, I mean my Life

Later that week I also had to find out that the girl who gave him NGU, was also a girl I worked with at the same club. What a slap in the face it was to find out he was dating another stripper from the club I worked at. Secretly for an instant I found happiness in knowing she gave him the STD, but the thought quickly turned to depression when I saw her hanging pictures of him in her locker.

Continued
It was at this point I left that club and decided to work as a bartender at another. During this time, Tim continued to show little remorse for his actions while away from me but as soon as he would come over it was  always the same, Great Sex followed by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Its hard for me to remember every little detail considering it was years ago and because there have been so many events.
Oh, but yes I remember, me trying to be strong one night and confront Tim on how he was treating the OTHER WOMEN, and told him it wasnt FAIR TO THEM and that he needed to call (at the time it was Briana) and “tell her you are back with your ex and end it.”. I remember he got on the phone in front of me and dumped her! Just like that, he dumped her! He said “Briana, im back with Chanel and I cant see you anymore”. I remember hearing her mention something about his clothes through the phone and the last thing he said to her was, “you can keep them or ship them back to me”.!!!
After this came the great night of appreciation. Tim was in a Terrible car accident and half of the skin on his face hung down his nose. He was rushed to emergency where they stitched back his skin and asked him to call someone to pick him up. He could have called anyone that night. His sister, mother, father, anyone, but he didnt, he called me. As i rushed over to be by his side i remember him crying tell me how sorry he was about the way he treated me and how he didnt appreciate me and that he would never be mean to me again because no one else would ever love him now because of his “Frankinstein” Scar. I tucked him in bed that night wishing and hoping things would be different and almost thanked God for that scar, but I was no fool. I knew he would eventually find out that “scars on men are cool” and as soon as i thought the thought, He was back again sticking his dick where ever he could.
I hacked into his email to find he had fucked a girl on MYSPACE, banged a girl he met one night at Tracys, and other attempts that i will never know if they were finalized.
One night I wait by tims dads house parked in front of his window. I just had this interesting, uneasy feeling in my stomach. I had had it all day, it started when Tim made love to me. It was romantic and his thrusts were almost meaningful. He stopped and looked at me in the eyes and held me tightly. At that point my eyes teared up until they rolled down my cheeks. He asked me “Whats wrong?, Why are you crying”. I remember specifically word for word what i answered
“Im just sad because I know even though your with me now, you’re not really mine”
His eyes for a split moment seemed to feel sorry for me, but he quickly held me tight and continued to make love to me.
I know it was God that gave me the uneasy feeling i felt because that night I parked in front of his house to find him rolling up behind me with a girl in the passanger side. He looked like a dear in Headlights. He must have asked her to stay in the car because she didnt move and he rushed over to my car and asked me “What the hell are you doing Chanel?”
“What the hell am I doing?, I think you mean what the FUCK are you doing?”
“We’re not together Chanel”
 “Really? then why did i sleep over last night and why did you have sex with me today?, As a matter of fact does she know we had sex 8 hours ago?”
 I wasnt dumb and I knew acting the way i felt would get me no where and i had only one chance to make a point. I got out of my car, walked over to her side and politely said, ” Hi my name is Chanel, Im Tims girlfriend, Im not mad at you because im sure he didnt tell you that he was a dog, but just know, we did have sex today.”
I barely got the end of the sentence out before he jumped back in the truck and took off speeding down his street. That night i thought i was going to kill myself. I thought about it, but I couldn’t do it. I was so addicted to him, killing myself would do nothing to bring me closer to him. I left our scrapbook on his bench that night and the next morning i made sure to hack into his cell phone and retrieve her number. I explained everything nicely and told her it was up to her to decide if she wanted to go through with it. She was smart and didnt call tim back. I found out he had been dating her for 3 weeks.
Things got weird around my house and i felt as if he was bringing women into my domain. I hid tape recorders and video cams and I didnt know what was worse at the time, the fact that Tim would instantly jack off to anything he could get his hands on or that he would do it even after having sex with me 3 times that day. He would find different ways to do it to. Ways that made me feel inadequate and it started to make sense as to why he couldn’t stay hard all the time.

During this time he never helped me pay rent or pay the bills. I supported us both. I dont remember much after that except spending holidays by myself and my 21st birthday alone, drunk, in my bathroom. I wanted him there so bad. But he didnt care. Tim has always been too selfish to care about anyone else but himself. One good thing that comes out of this quality is you dont have to question his intentions, becuase its always to benefit HIMSELF. If hes spending time with me i didnt question if he was there because he felt sorry for me, i knew it was because he wanted to be there and when he was bored, he left. I know i have blanked out a lot of episodes to make room for new ones. BUT i remember when our lives forever changed.
I started going to church and quit working at the club all together. My father hired me as an office manager and I became more confident knowing he couldnt imagine me beneath him any longer. I remember God telling me I couldnt have sex with Tim anymore and one day he came over and I told him we were going to make love one last time because i wasnt having sex until i was married. I dont think he believed me but as we had sex he started to cry. His tears were a surprise to me and i cried too. I think we both actually beleived maybe this time was it.
I stayed in tims life for a couple of weeks, befriending him and trying to keep him company. At least thats what i told him when actually i was hoping he would break and ask me back.
One night i came over after work and he just looked like shit to me. He was playing video games and when i came in, he looked happy to see me. I put on a mixed cd i burned for him and Tim started to cry again. I asked him what was wrong and held him and he said
“Im so Alone”, “Im just so lonely”
I will never forget that. I asked him to come to church with me and 3 weeks later during alter call Tim stood up and walked himself to the stage and gave his life to the LORD. I balled my eyes out because just a week earlier i explained to my mother who had asked me if i was seriously considering getting back with Tim, that God would not allow me to be with  someone who didnt believe in the Lord. So my mother and I were both shocked watching Tim get Saved.

The post will seem much different from this point because Tim was different and I was too. It was like a weight was lifted. Life was good, but not perfect. Tim threw out over 50 porno videos he had hidden in his bedroom on his own, confessed certain things to me I had not known and was actually starting to be the man i had always imagined he was. Everything was going great until one night
 Tim doesnt come home. Dinner is cold and i have tried to call several times. I give up and fall asleep to be woken up in the middle of the night. Its Tim, who tells me he decided to go to a strip club, my old club. I think out of shock i flew off the handle because we were doing so well. But not until 6 months ago did i find out that was a lie. He actually met a girl at one of his events and took her on a date and he says they only made out. I dont believe him since hes an habitual liar but 3 years later it doesnt matter.
Next Tim proposes to me and 3 months into the engagement Tim leaves for Utah for work and I hack into his email to find that he posted a classifieds add in Craigslist. The add read;
“Looking for a good time, No strings attached.”
This hurt me badly because it was in plain view that he was a dog. Trying to cheat on a woman he proposed to and was about to make his wife. He also spent over a 100 dollars of his companies money in Internet porn webcaming and i watched from states away my fiance pay for conversation with a naked woman touching herself instead of calling me….

>FAMILY continued…

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that was intense!!!! Dang Karla,….lol I didnt even know or understand where that comment came from…lol its probably my fault since i dont spell check or use any type of rule of thumb or grammar procedure so im sure its hard to read my blogs sometimes.

I was trying to explain the difference and the importance of having “family” in your life. i cant imagine how many embarrassing moments I would have found myself in if i didnt have family to explain to me all of life’s little quirks to prepare me for inevitable. For Tim, this was and is not the case. Im slowly starting to realize that his family counted on his baseball couch to be his “life counselor” as well. His family never sat him down to even try and bother with talks of woman and men and how each has and plays an important role. He also says he remembers his family being very “hush hush” about most things that pertained to sex or relationships and so he continued to go without any real relationships most of his school years and gave his all to the sport of baseball. Its sad that someone like me would look at someone like tim and think he had it all. I mean on the outside he was a good looking white kid who came from middle class working parents. On the inside, he was being neglected and emotionally and physically starved. Tim says he first started masturbating at the age of 7. Now this might not seem weird to some but his sister has a young boy who will be 7 next year and thats totally just disgusting when i think about it in those terms.  He said he remembers his mother would just leave him in his room for long periods of time and he found out one day it felt good to play with himself, and eventually being alone wasnt so bad anymore. Now moving on

 Im not sure if i mentioned how Tims family played a role in my life for the first 3 years of our relationship? NO…..? I didnt say, you say?

Well that’s because i was instantly BANNED and NOT invited or Welcomed to any family functions or gatherings.Why? well, because his Sister found out through her fiance’s friend that i was a STRIPPER!!!

O…M….G! i know, the terror of it all, really. So she became jealous and insecure causing a wave of insecurity within the woman of his family and they must have taken a hand vote when tim and I werent there because instantly I was voted out. No questions asked. Its a very weird feeling to know your husband is going over to his families house for a Holiday and you cant come with him because your NOT invited and you were informed you make the woman uncomfortable????? UNCOMFORTABLE???? As if i wanted to come over and take my clothes off, while rubbing my breasts in their faces and collecting dollar bills, ….. PLEASE… and while im being banned, i find it funny im looked or frowned on because of my job yet TIM is the one who met me there!! I mean, i would have No job if it werent for guys like Tim coming in and spending money. But Nooooo, nothing of that sort was ever mentioned because they would be admitting fault or imperfection and they cant tolerate anything out of the Norm. So i dont think i need to explain how hurt I was and how confused i was when i would run into one of the them or all of them dropping tim off or gathering my things in time to leave before an event started. Id have to say the worst of them all was his sister.

I really dont want to go into the issues that each person has but i do find it important to let you understand she is the kind of person that walks around, wanting someone to know she doesnt like them. It doesnt just make her happy to talk the family into not inviting me to a function but she has to stare you down, roll her eyes, ignore, blah blah. This usually doesnt get to me but i dont understand why she never gave me a chance. she never even tried to get to know me. I felt and still do feel sorry for her. Its people like that who want to bring other people down to try and feel better about themselves. I watched her try to keep me from feeling welcomed and i think she thought her brother would some how want to get rid of me for her own personal well being. WRONG…. Here i am. I’m not going anywhere. Your games are getting old and tiring. Your 3o something years old. Its about time to just let your brother be happy and start feeling happy for him when hes happy. Even if that means sacrificing your happiness for 2 seconds. Yes it hurt when his mother, Aunt and grandmother acted disgusted by my presence too but to me, i understood that its a different time now then it was back then and things are more openly discussed and that its a gradual change that can take some people by storm if your not keeping up. Plus , none of them went out of their way to hate me besides her. Plus Karma was around the corner when one day Tim finally told his family if i wasnt invited, he wasnt coming and i could tell when tim told them he had popped the question to me and I said YES, that his sister was shocked it wasnt her and her fiance having this announcement first….

OH man i wish i could explain to you how internally Joyous this day was for me on two levels. One I’m getting married to the man i LOVE and two , I WON BITCHES!!!!!!!! YUP that’s Right i won!!!!!!!! Of coarse i would never say that in public but I’m sure my smile said it all as they each came up and hugged me and tried to vomit the words congratulations.. HAHAHA I think what effected me most was how much of a Traumatic change they made over night with how “uncomfortable” they were and all. Boy did they get comfortable fast and I dont know if they thought i wouldn’t notice or remember but I feel everyone ignored the big white elephant in the room, the one named “apologizing” and swept it under the rug where all their problems went that they didnt know how to deal with. I allowed this because it wasn’t worth my time, my husband was the most important to me and i must have been doing something right for him to want to stay
My family is completely different…. Id have to say the biggest difference from my family to his, is our communication skills. My family is all about our emotions and feelings. We have no problem expressing them or talkin about them no matter how mundane or repetitive. My family also understands we come from a blood line of “Fuck ups” and addicts. I think all of us at one point or another had to fall on our ass in order to want to finally pick ourselves up. Because of this knowledge and awareness we tend to judge less quickly and see a persons potential instead of their downfall. This was in Tims favor since my family took him back with open arms each time i did. There was never any mention of how he was only a pizza delivery boy and that at 26 was still living with his father. My family never treated him in a way that would make him feel judged or belittled. I think thats the same reason i could get over the fact he had done so much wrong to me and keep coming back for more. Its like i didnt see the Tim that was doing God awful selfish things to me but saw the one day, incredible Father, good husband and future Best friend.

However Its this thinking that has caused me to be up right now at 1 in the morning on a Tuesday writing about my disappointment in my marriage and with men. So yeah, the first three years of our relationship was rocky but add a little “judgemental family” with a side of “hypocritical views” and you have yourself a stew that will keep you full and bloated for years.

NOW his dad is an interesting fellow, Im still trying to understand their relationship. The story goes, Tims father was very critical of him and how he did things. Tim tells me he remembers never feeling good enough and remembers his Father losing his cool if something went wrong or different from what his father had planned. Tim also says, his father made him feel like he couldn’t do something unless it was done his fathers way. Lucky for Tim he had a natural skill and athleticism that would grant him his full ride to college thru the game of baseball to give his dad something to be happy about. But growing up poor tim was mostly left alone in his room to make due with his surroundings to keep him company while both his mother and father worked or just didnt see the importance of spending quality time that didnt consist of telling him how to live his life. This is what would soon lead to Tims adult sexual addiction and his emotional anxiety and rage. Since meeting tim, he has expressed to me his fear of becoming like his father. This is normal to all children and even I myself once encouraged the thought of being completely different. This bubbled was burst fairly quickly after realizing I couldn’t pretend to not feel a certain way about things I could only chose to react differently

So back to his father. You could tell his father felt torn in the beginning deciding whether to listen to his daughter or his son. He allowed me a fair chance and to be honest, was very patient with me in the beginning. Im sure he thought i was the crazy and probably wanted to turn me in to a mental hospital that would keep me away from stalking his son at nights and finding me on his front lawn asleep in my car. Yes, i did that, i would sleep in my car to stalk Tim. I would play music loud for him to hear thru his windows, and i would sneak in his windows to have sex with him and crawl out super early before his dad got up and saw me. If your reading this i appreciate all your patients…lol  =)

I think my biggest grudge with his family is their ignorance for their sons emotional and mental well being. I know this is partial Tims fault for not coming to them and asking for help, but i feel if they were paying attention to their sons life they would know him by now and realize Tim will do anything before he ask for help so as adults i wish they would try harder to get it out of him and teach him its Ok to express feelings other than happiness. Poor tim, when we go to counseling, he has such a hard time talking about himself and his emotions the therapist hands tim a chart with several different smiley faces on it so tim can try and pin point through visualization which emotion he may have. Tim has made several improvements in the last 2 years as well as the biggest one, his ability to flip his emotional switch when he started feeling hard to swallow emotions, that brought up feelings of unfinished business as a child

Ok i should sleep… more coming

>Continued : On my way out… hopefully my body before my sanity

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Our sex was better than ever and I was making all the right moves to have him fall for me. I mean really that’s all I ever wanted was to find a man that would love me enough to ask me to marry him and take care of me and be there for me whenever I needed. Right? Wasn’t that what every girl was destined to do? Find Husband, Make Babies, Be sexy, Give Sex.…

What was I doing wrong? Continued….. 

Becca

Brianna

Tracey

Nicole and of course G1 would sneak up in the mix occasionally, each one under his captivating spell. He had a soft child like spirit at times that shined with passion. He had a way of making you feel as though you had known him forever and even if he had left for years, you’re souls would have picked right up where they left off.

He had left me on several different occasions; each time leaving me more winded then the first and more insecure about his return. But he ALWAYS returned. Even during the same day he would return. I knew he had just been with one of his girls and she couldn’t or didn’t do it for him and he would rush to me to have me take care of him. It kills me to think I was so immature and clueless at that time, I actually thought it was a compliment that he would always come back. I don’t think it was until he decided to tell me after having sex one night that he had caught an STD from one of girls and he said, “I thought you should know???????????

 I think I might have thrown up in my mouth at that moment and rushed myself into the clinic the next morning only to have my Dr. hand me a little bottle of orange stuff and advised me to drink it up and not drink anything else for the day. When I asked her if I  would be fine she replied, “Just because you didn’t get something worse doesn’t change the face that he got NGU and had no thoughts about giving it to you.”

I’ll never know if I caught what he had because my Dr didn’t care to test me, she said better safe than sorry and had me drink this potion anyways. I went home that morning feeling so disgusted and lonely. How could he do this to me so nonchalantly? How could he ignore the love we had for each other…. 

Later that week I also had to find out that the girl who gave him NGU, was also a girl I worked with at the same club. What a slap in the face it was to find out he was dating another stripper from the club I worked at. Secretly for an instant I found happiness in knowing she gave him the STD, but the thought quickly turned to depression when I saw her hanging pictures of him in her locker.  

PAUSE….

I don’t know how to continue with this post because its day 4 now and so many things have happened since we have been separated. I feel like I’m stuck and can’t leave my living room couch, yet I have so much I need to do. It’s hard for me to talk about my life when I’m living it and it’s especially hard when last night I found out again he had and was lying. 

 Why didn’t I just let G1 have him? Honestly that is how I feel now. I wish she would have got him. Take him, I’m no use to him anymore and he has completely fucked me up emotionally to be able to accept what he wants to give to me. Every time he talks now I just hear lies. One after the other after the other. 

I pull my hair, pick my face, burn my body and nothing helps the fact that I married a man that I knew was a liar before but made the mistake I promised myself I wouldn’t. I had hoped things would change …..I had hoped he wanted to…. 

To Be Continued

>How do you look at it?

>You would never guess we had secret issues and burdens unless you asked us how we met…

I was a stripper at the time trying to stay clean off drugs, trying to find that “someone” better who would help me out of the abusive “ex boyfriends” house. Of coarse I lived there paying my way with sex.

My husband was “All star Baseball athlete” involved with a girl he met in college and was finding himself wavering away because of the long distance drives to see her and her lack of sexual maturity and intimate encounters.

I came from poor family of addicts and slow learners

He came from a middle class family of compulsive eaters and fakers

I was attracted to him from the first time i laid eyes on him. I didn’t care if he had felt the same because I knew how to manipulate using the one tool God gave me. I wanted this man and I knew If I worked hard enough I would make him Love me and eventually say that words I longed to hear…” Marry Me”

6 Years later Im writing this blog on a laptop in the middle of the night at the HILTON in Vegas while my husband is asleep in our bed. I could have gone to my families or rented something closer but i knew Vegas was just far enough away to stop my husband from following and yet close enough to be by his side if something serious were to happen or if i just felt he was cheating and I needed to get there fast.

What happened? Why have I been eating Taco Bell for the last 6 days and enjoying the free shampoos and conditioners the hotel so kindly supplies…

Were at the point of “Healing” our therapist would like to purswayed us,  but as we’re screaming down each others throat making more and more excuses for what we think our marital problems are, (which of coarse is always on the other person because why would anything be wrong with our own thoughts and feelings? I mean, I can see it so clearly in my Head… why cant you?) Its hard for either one of us to beleive that this is the “Healing” process and not the “Landslide”

Both my husband and I have been playing this game of tug a war for too long now and I can see it in his eyes, he’s just as worn out as I am but like me, too stubborn to give in and not ready to let go.

Where do we go from here? What is the next step?
When it finally is said aloud that my husband was in love with my sex and not my “being”, I cant help but choke up inside and wonder why I couldnt believe it when I saw situations happening before my eyes.
I knew it all along but could never admit it out loud. When my husband would stray from me I would lasso him back with my body and eyes. I made sure I was the last thought in his head before he would wonder at nights. Even pretty women didnt have a chance.. I was a professional. I worked in the sex industry and heard day in and day out about what men wanted and how their wives were not completely pleasing them sexually and how they were too embarrassed to talk about what they actually wanted. Its sad really…

“How did you allow me to marry you knowing you didnt really love me and werent really ready to commit?” I yelled,
But realized at that moment I was more enraged in the fact that I was too insecure and immature that I allowed myself to marry him while even knowing he had tried to cheap on my every 5 months and was lying about one porn dvd or another.

Thats right, my  counselor throws  back in my face. You had warning signs  before but because of YOUR addiction, you became the perfect couple to manifest your deep dark bullshit.. together forever, within eachother.

“See you next week? same time?” he asks

This was the moment I was given the knowledge of what I had so longed for…. why i was powerless to let go, and yet so unhappy. I was a Love Addict, better yet, I was and will always be an addict, & my fear of abandonment will always keep me unfilled and depressed, yet wont move from right where i am.

Or can i change? Is it too late…..