>The Acts of a SEX ADDICT

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The look on Duanes face was priceless as we sat there and yelled at each other, just 1 month before our big day. I remember him asking the both of us why we were getting married and the answer was always the same…

Because we love each other.  

Continued

The details of his frequent “One night stands” with girls he met on Myspace, is quite disgusting. I try not to think about those types of adventures because I am reminded that I always allowed him back home and slept with him maybe hours later. I have to pretend he always took a shower before being with me but I cant really prove or say that he did. He says he always wore a condom after getting his first STD, but is that true? Ill never know.  

The Worst decision I could have made, I did! 

On October 13 2007 I exchanged vows with my husband. Over 83 guests arrived, a mixture of friends and family. The wedding itself was top notch, and the look on even my own families face was priceless when they saw what a terrific job i had done. I was proud of myself. I know they thought this “Tweaker” could pull it off but this “tweaker” DID!

I want to tell you that my wedding and wedding night were magical and romantic but they were anything but. I had only asked 3 things of my husband for our wedding day, 1. find out your friends address so i can mail them invites, 2. find out if i mailed everyone in your big ass family a invitation, 3. Do not forget to hire someone or ask someone to video tape our wedding. Well, i should have known when i busy collecting his friends addresses and working with his mother on guests i had forgotten that lived states away and weren’t planning on coming to the wedding but needed me to send a HANDMADE invite to them, that he would forget or not care enough to ask one of his friends to video tape that wedding, BUT he did not forget to bring the video camera… Oh no, not my husband. You know what he thought was more important to film…. The hotel room, on our wedding night. Of coarse, I didnt care at this point because i was married, and even though he continued to stare at the girl all night who did my makeup (she was wearing the most hoochiest dress ever) I thought nothing of it until he yelled her name during sex on our wedding night!

Yup, you heard it…. Instead of us having romantic sex or even dirty sex, we had to have “Fuck up the whole night sex” but both of us didn’t know this then either. I guess it was sort of my fault since i asked him if i was correct in stating he had been checking out “Saleen” the whole night, while were undoing my wedding dress. He said he did check her out a couple of times but he caught her bending over one time and he said he imagined eating her out while i with him. 

I could have done two things with this information on my wedding night. 1. I could have slapped him in the face and stormed out telling him to enjoy the honey moon to Cancun that i payed for by himself, or I could just let it go and use the newly learned information for recreational purposes to help give him a good time. I chose the second and allowed him to call me her name on my wedding night. I cant tell you how sorry i am that i allowed this. I cant watch the tape of our wedding night now, EVER… and i cant take it back. My dress still hangs in my closet and i so desperately wish we would just rent a hotel one night and tape the whole thing over again. but it wouldn’t be the same and we both know it wouldn’t be our wedding night. 

Cancun was beautiful and i decided to go topless for the first time ever at a beach. You think my husband would keep his eyes on the women that all the other women are starring at, ME, but no, and when this one Mexican chick complimented my breasts and said they were the nicest she had ever seen, Tim politely complimented hers, and he would have shaken their hands too, if they had any….. Little do i know that same day as i fall asleep on the sand, My husband goes back up to his room and meets the Mexican chick!. Yes, you heard me, on our honeymoon my husband gets this girls number and HE SAYS they didn’t have sex but he just got her number upstairs and he came back down to be with his wife. 

I guess i should stop there and tell you that i only found out he got her number because when we got back from our honeymoon i checked his email a week later while he was at work and found out they were trying to meet each other after work and had several gross emails talking about being with each other. 

SOBER, HURT, ANGRY, BELITTLED, FRIGHTENED, RESENTFUL, and did i mention SOBER, 

I dealt with this… another episode, another cause of my horrible ability to keep him happy? Maybe it was my slender, athletic, body or my large breasts, Maybe it was my beautiful Blond hair or my big brown eyes. Maybe it was my straight white teeth or my clean shaving skin, maybe it was my intellect or ability to hold a conversation about a topic other than myself, Who knows what it was that kept him always on the “prowl” but yet again their i was feeling ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly , ugly. I felt worthless, unwanted, unloved, unlovable and useless. I always tried to keep the house clean and i cooked dinner for him almost every night. I wore different lingerie and had sex with him the way no women has ever done him before. What was it? Did he really think of himself as soo much better that he had to continue looking to see if he had gotten his best. The one thing i knew about myself that i was confident in was SEX. I have grown up around it http://www.livingwithnoboundaries.blogspot.com.  you can read about my past and understand how i had grown up with this sexual confidence that most women did not portray. But at last, it finally happened. The one thing i was scared would happen, the one thing i warned him about, the one thing that had only happen to me once before, it happened

I started losing my sexual desire to be with my husband. I was still deathly attracted to him but it was as if my libido just quit one day. I went to the doctors, changed my birth control, bought toys, imagined other men, whatever was out there i tried. It was too late. Tim’s escapades finally got to my soul, and even tho my heart wanted him, my mind overtook my body and said  ” NO MORE”

You cant imagine how defective i felt after years of him coming home and just jumping on him or waking him up in the middle of the night or allowing him at 6 in the morning or grabbing him while driving or any other way we had sex, all disappeared. I noticed first, but it was worse once Tim noticed. I thought maybe i was working too hard, i was pulling in over 70 hrs a week, juggling two jobs,  and we decided to move in with his father to save money to buy a house. I quit one of my jobs and life seemed good at first but quickly moved down hill when tim became very very aggressive. I knew what this meant and I ran to check his email. In the SPAM box I found a letter from him sister??? Not just any letter… A LETTER ON A DATING SITE HIS SISTER WAS ON ASKING HIM WHY HE WAS ON THE SAME SITE? Why didn’t his sister say something to me? why didn’t she tell him it wasn’t right for him to be on a dating site? Who knows who cares…. But i picked up the phone and told him he needed to come home right now and tell me every frickin lie that he has and if hes hiding one that i dont know about its over.

BOY, do i regret opening my big fat mouth because what comes next might be surprising, even after hearing about everything else……

Not only was he on a dating website, but he was purchasing porn again, was JACKING off at work, and had been talking to some girl he met while on his way to San Diego for a work event. He said he had been speaking with her for a week or so and was trying to meet up with her for casual sex. 

I dont think i need to say anymore. If you don’t understand it by now you will Never

MY HUSBAND WAS DIAGNOSED WITH SEVERE SEX ADDICTION/AVOIDANCE ADDICT. 

I can continue my story now by telling you that after his diagnosis everything was better and he got help, but that would be a lie .I could continue with my story in a voice that keeps you feeling sorry for me while growing deep resentment for my husband. Yes, He did do all the things I have listed. Yes, he probably did a lot more that I’m forgetting or decided not to share but What Im hoping for is that the women in my situation reading this blog who see themselves can take something, anything, to help themselves get out because my life got much worse and finding a 600 dollars phone bill from the porn he was downloading on his phone so he could JO in public places, including work, while driving on the streets, and the parking lots around his work and house, or the way he was hiring models and trying to sleep with them and if he didn’t,  JO to pictures of them while he was working with them, did not hurt me or surprise me the way it use to, It was his constant lying and constant manipulation making me feel it was all my fault and i was lucky to have his love that really put me over the edge. 

I had been sober for 2 years and the night i found another one of his trails, It was when i asked him politely and calmly  “Hone, i know and I am aware of your lying, please just tell me from your own mouth and i will not mention it or bring it up”. and he replied 

“Your FUCKING TRIPPING AGAIN ON DRUGS< I SWEAR TO GOD AND ON MY LIFE, Im not hiding anything from you” Is when i once again BROKE

I confronted him with his trail and he immediately apologized but it was over… If he can swear on his life and Gods then what do i have to believe him anymore. He never in all our years lie to me using Gods name or his life. Thank God we didnt have children. Thank God i was smart enough to be on birth control. I would never want to bring children into a marriage like this or have them raised by a father who could not adhere to his own teachings. I saw him as PATHETIC and on that day wished i had the courage to leave…. But i didnt. Instead I did what i always did and began a path of SELF DESTRUCTION

Why is it whenever someone hurts me, I dont have the courage to leave or stand up for myself. WHY do i insist on damaging myself. I PICK AT MY FACE until IT BLEEDS, I PICK AT MY BODY, I LATCHED ON TO METH AGAIN. I STARVE MYSELF OR OVER EAT, I DRINK UNTIL THE BOTTLE IS GONE………..

>Neither here Nor There

>Ive been reading some of my past blogs and its occurred to me that i harbor a lot of anger in my heart towards people in my life. This is not good nor is it something i pride myself in. I guess i change my mind on a day to day basis about how i feel and how i allow myself to feel.
I really dont hate tims family and I know they do not have bad hearts or meant to be as judgemental as they were, i think im just wanting to place the blame on someone for tims selfishness and egotistical ways. I want to think that my husband treats me like crap because his parents did something horrible to him and he has a hard time being nice to people now. I would feel better if that was the case but it is not. My husband is mean to me. Hes mean to me because i allow it.
This is not the fault of his mother (who is not selfish what so ever) and this is not the teachings of his father.
Where is it, that tim learned it was okay to treat the his wife like crap while showcasing how well he treats others..
i hate my life. i wish someone would rescue me. Today tim told me that he didnt want to work on our marriage and last week he told me he is not interested in me. He said he hasnt been interested in me and is not. This “tim” reminds me of the tim he use to be back when he was bouncing from girl to girl. Speaking of the old tim i should continue on with my story, o God, I mean my Life

Later that week I also had to find out that the girl who gave him NGU, was also a girl I worked with at the same club. What a slap in the face it was to find out he was dating another stripper from the club I worked at. Secretly for an instant I found happiness in knowing she gave him the STD, but the thought quickly turned to depression when I saw her hanging pictures of him in her locker.

Continued
It was at this point I left that club and decided to work as a bartender at another. During this time, Tim continued to show little remorse for his actions while away from me but as soon as he would come over it was  always the same, Great Sex followed by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Its hard for me to remember every little detail considering it was years ago and because there have been so many events.
Oh, but yes I remember, me trying to be strong one night and confront Tim on how he was treating the OTHER WOMEN, and told him it wasnt FAIR TO THEM and that he needed to call (at the time it was Briana) and “tell her you are back with your ex and end it.”. I remember he got on the phone in front of me and dumped her! Just like that, he dumped her! He said “Briana, im back with Chanel and I cant see you anymore”. I remember hearing her mention something about his clothes through the phone and the last thing he said to her was, “you can keep them or ship them back to me”.!!!
After this came the great night of appreciation. Tim was in a Terrible car accident and half of the skin on his face hung down his nose. He was rushed to emergency where they stitched back his skin and asked him to call someone to pick him up. He could have called anyone that night. His sister, mother, father, anyone, but he didnt, he called me. As i rushed over to be by his side i remember him crying tell me how sorry he was about the way he treated me and how he didnt appreciate me and that he would never be mean to me again because no one else would ever love him now because of his “Frankinstein” Scar. I tucked him in bed that night wishing and hoping things would be different and almost thanked God for that scar, but I was no fool. I knew he would eventually find out that “scars on men are cool” and as soon as i thought the thought, He was back again sticking his dick where ever he could.
I hacked into his email to find he had fucked a girl on MYSPACE, banged a girl he met one night at Tracys, and other attempts that i will never know if they were finalized.
One night I wait by tims dads house parked in front of his window. I just had this interesting, uneasy feeling in my stomach. I had had it all day, it started when Tim made love to me. It was romantic and his thrusts were almost meaningful. He stopped and looked at me in the eyes and held me tightly. At that point my eyes teared up until they rolled down my cheeks. He asked me “Whats wrong?, Why are you crying”. I remember specifically word for word what i answered
“Im just sad because I know even though your with me now, you’re not really mine”
His eyes for a split moment seemed to feel sorry for me, but he quickly held me tight and continued to make love to me.
I know it was God that gave me the uneasy feeling i felt because that night I parked in front of his house to find him rolling up behind me with a girl in the passanger side. He looked like a dear in Headlights. He must have asked her to stay in the car because she didnt move and he rushed over to my car and asked me “What the hell are you doing Chanel?”
“What the hell am I doing?, I think you mean what the FUCK are you doing?”
“We’re not together Chanel”
 “Really? then why did i sleep over last night and why did you have sex with me today?, As a matter of fact does she know we had sex 8 hours ago?”
 I wasnt dumb and I knew acting the way i felt would get me no where and i had only one chance to make a point. I got out of my car, walked over to her side and politely said, ” Hi my name is Chanel, Im Tims girlfriend, Im not mad at you because im sure he didnt tell you that he was a dog, but just know, we did have sex today.”
I barely got the end of the sentence out before he jumped back in the truck and took off speeding down his street. That night i thought i was going to kill myself. I thought about it, but I couldn’t do it. I was so addicted to him, killing myself would do nothing to bring me closer to him. I left our scrapbook on his bench that night and the next morning i made sure to hack into his cell phone and retrieve her number. I explained everything nicely and told her it was up to her to decide if she wanted to go through with it. She was smart and didnt call tim back. I found out he had been dating her for 3 weeks.
Things got weird around my house and i felt as if he was bringing women into my domain. I hid tape recorders and video cams and I didnt know what was worse at the time, the fact that Tim would instantly jack off to anything he could get his hands on or that he would do it even after having sex with me 3 times that day. He would find different ways to do it to. Ways that made me feel inadequate and it started to make sense as to why he couldn’t stay hard all the time.

During this time he never helped me pay rent or pay the bills. I supported us both. I dont remember much after that except spending holidays by myself and my 21st birthday alone, drunk, in my bathroom. I wanted him there so bad. But he didnt care. Tim has always been too selfish to care about anyone else but himself. One good thing that comes out of this quality is you dont have to question his intentions, becuase its always to benefit HIMSELF. If hes spending time with me i didnt question if he was there because he felt sorry for me, i knew it was because he wanted to be there and when he was bored, he left. I know i have blanked out a lot of episodes to make room for new ones. BUT i remember when our lives forever changed.
I started going to church and quit working at the club all together. My father hired me as an office manager and I became more confident knowing he couldnt imagine me beneath him any longer. I remember God telling me I couldnt have sex with Tim anymore and one day he came over and I told him we were going to make love one last time because i wasnt having sex until i was married. I dont think he believed me but as we had sex he started to cry. His tears were a surprise to me and i cried too. I think we both actually beleived maybe this time was it.
I stayed in tims life for a couple of weeks, befriending him and trying to keep him company. At least thats what i told him when actually i was hoping he would break and ask me back.
One night i came over after work and he just looked like shit to me. He was playing video games and when i came in, he looked happy to see me. I put on a mixed cd i burned for him and Tim started to cry again. I asked him what was wrong and held him and he said
“Im so Alone”, “Im just so lonely”
I will never forget that. I asked him to come to church with me and 3 weeks later during alter call Tim stood up and walked himself to the stage and gave his life to the LORD. I balled my eyes out because just a week earlier i explained to my mother who had asked me if i was seriously considering getting back with Tim, that God would not allow me to be with  someone who didnt believe in the Lord. So my mother and I were both shocked watching Tim get Saved.

The post will seem much different from this point because Tim was different and I was too. It was like a weight was lifted. Life was good, but not perfect. Tim threw out over 50 porno videos he had hidden in his bedroom on his own, confessed certain things to me I had not known and was actually starting to be the man i had always imagined he was. Everything was going great until one night
 Tim doesnt come home. Dinner is cold and i have tried to call several times. I give up and fall asleep to be woken up in the middle of the night. Its Tim, who tells me he decided to go to a strip club, my old club. I think out of shock i flew off the handle because we were doing so well. But not until 6 months ago did i find out that was a lie. He actually met a girl at one of his events and took her on a date and he says they only made out. I dont believe him since hes an habitual liar but 3 years later it doesnt matter.
Next Tim proposes to me and 3 months into the engagement Tim leaves for Utah for work and I hack into his email to find that he posted a classifieds add in Craigslist. The add read;
“Looking for a good time, No strings attached.”
This hurt me badly because it was in plain view that he was a dog. Trying to cheat on a woman he proposed to and was about to make his wife. He also spent over a 100 dollars of his companies money in Internet porn webcaming and i watched from states away my fiance pay for conversation with a naked woman touching herself instead of calling me….

>FAMILY continued…

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that was intense!!!! Dang Karla,….lol I didnt even know or understand where that comment came from…lol its probably my fault since i dont spell check or use any type of rule of thumb or grammar procedure so im sure its hard to read my blogs sometimes.

I was trying to explain the difference and the importance of having “family” in your life. i cant imagine how many embarrassing moments I would have found myself in if i didnt have family to explain to me all of life’s little quirks to prepare me for inevitable. For Tim, this was and is not the case. Im slowly starting to realize that his family counted on his baseball couch to be his “life counselor” as well. His family never sat him down to even try and bother with talks of woman and men and how each has and plays an important role. He also says he remembers his family being very “hush hush” about most things that pertained to sex or relationships and so he continued to go without any real relationships most of his school years and gave his all to the sport of baseball. Its sad that someone like me would look at someone like tim and think he had it all. I mean on the outside he was a good looking white kid who came from middle class working parents. On the inside, he was being neglected and emotionally and physically starved. Tim says he first started masturbating at the age of 7. Now this might not seem weird to some but his sister has a young boy who will be 7 next year and thats totally just disgusting when i think about it in those terms.  He said he remembers his mother would just leave him in his room for long periods of time and he found out one day it felt good to play with himself, and eventually being alone wasnt so bad anymore. Now moving on

 Im not sure if i mentioned how Tims family played a role in my life for the first 3 years of our relationship? NO…..? I didnt say, you say?

Well that’s because i was instantly BANNED and NOT invited or Welcomed to any family functions or gatherings.Why? well, because his Sister found out through her fiance’s friend that i was a STRIPPER!!!

O…M….G! i know, the terror of it all, really. So she became jealous and insecure causing a wave of insecurity within the woman of his family and they must have taken a hand vote when tim and I werent there because instantly I was voted out. No questions asked. Its a very weird feeling to know your husband is going over to his families house for a Holiday and you cant come with him because your NOT invited and you were informed you make the woman uncomfortable????? UNCOMFORTABLE???? As if i wanted to come over and take my clothes off, while rubbing my breasts in their faces and collecting dollar bills, ….. PLEASE… and while im being banned, i find it funny im looked or frowned on because of my job yet TIM is the one who met me there!! I mean, i would have No job if it werent for guys like Tim coming in and spending money. But Nooooo, nothing of that sort was ever mentioned because they would be admitting fault or imperfection and they cant tolerate anything out of the Norm. So i dont think i need to explain how hurt I was and how confused i was when i would run into one of the them or all of them dropping tim off or gathering my things in time to leave before an event started. Id have to say the worst of them all was his sister.

I really dont want to go into the issues that each person has but i do find it important to let you understand she is the kind of person that walks around, wanting someone to know she doesnt like them. It doesnt just make her happy to talk the family into not inviting me to a function but she has to stare you down, roll her eyes, ignore, blah blah. This usually doesnt get to me but i dont understand why she never gave me a chance. she never even tried to get to know me. I felt and still do feel sorry for her. Its people like that who want to bring other people down to try and feel better about themselves. I watched her try to keep me from feeling welcomed and i think she thought her brother would some how want to get rid of me for her own personal well being. WRONG…. Here i am. I’m not going anywhere. Your games are getting old and tiring. Your 3o something years old. Its about time to just let your brother be happy and start feeling happy for him when hes happy. Even if that means sacrificing your happiness for 2 seconds. Yes it hurt when his mother, Aunt and grandmother acted disgusted by my presence too but to me, i understood that its a different time now then it was back then and things are more openly discussed and that its a gradual change that can take some people by storm if your not keeping up. Plus , none of them went out of their way to hate me besides her. Plus Karma was around the corner when one day Tim finally told his family if i wasnt invited, he wasnt coming and i could tell when tim told them he had popped the question to me and I said YES, that his sister was shocked it wasnt her and her fiance having this announcement first….

OH man i wish i could explain to you how internally Joyous this day was for me on two levels. One I’m getting married to the man i LOVE and two , I WON BITCHES!!!!!!!! YUP that’s Right i won!!!!!!!! Of coarse i would never say that in public but I’m sure my smile said it all as they each came up and hugged me and tried to vomit the words congratulations.. HAHAHA I think what effected me most was how much of a Traumatic change they made over night with how “uncomfortable” they were and all. Boy did they get comfortable fast and I dont know if they thought i wouldn’t notice or remember but I feel everyone ignored the big white elephant in the room, the one named “apologizing” and swept it under the rug where all their problems went that they didnt know how to deal with. I allowed this because it wasn’t worth my time, my husband was the most important to me and i must have been doing something right for him to want to stay
My family is completely different…. Id have to say the biggest difference from my family to his, is our communication skills. My family is all about our emotions and feelings. We have no problem expressing them or talkin about them no matter how mundane or repetitive. My family also understands we come from a blood line of “Fuck ups” and addicts. I think all of us at one point or another had to fall on our ass in order to want to finally pick ourselves up. Because of this knowledge and awareness we tend to judge less quickly and see a persons potential instead of their downfall. This was in Tims favor since my family took him back with open arms each time i did. There was never any mention of how he was only a pizza delivery boy and that at 26 was still living with his father. My family never treated him in a way that would make him feel judged or belittled. I think thats the same reason i could get over the fact he had done so much wrong to me and keep coming back for more. Its like i didnt see the Tim that was doing God awful selfish things to me but saw the one day, incredible Father, good husband and future Best friend.

However Its this thinking that has caused me to be up right now at 1 in the morning on a Tuesday writing about my disappointment in my marriage and with men. So yeah, the first three years of our relationship was rocky but add a little “judgemental family” with a side of “hypocritical views” and you have yourself a stew that will keep you full and bloated for years.

NOW his dad is an interesting fellow, Im still trying to understand their relationship. The story goes, Tims father was very critical of him and how he did things. Tim tells me he remembers never feeling good enough and remembers his Father losing his cool if something went wrong or different from what his father had planned. Tim also says, his father made him feel like he couldn’t do something unless it was done his fathers way. Lucky for Tim he had a natural skill and athleticism that would grant him his full ride to college thru the game of baseball to give his dad something to be happy about. But growing up poor tim was mostly left alone in his room to make due with his surroundings to keep him company while both his mother and father worked or just didnt see the importance of spending quality time that didnt consist of telling him how to live his life. This is what would soon lead to Tims adult sexual addiction and his emotional anxiety and rage. Since meeting tim, he has expressed to me his fear of becoming like his father. This is normal to all children and even I myself once encouraged the thought of being completely different. This bubbled was burst fairly quickly after realizing I couldn’t pretend to not feel a certain way about things I could only chose to react differently

So back to his father. You could tell his father felt torn in the beginning deciding whether to listen to his daughter or his son. He allowed me a fair chance and to be honest, was very patient with me in the beginning. Im sure he thought i was the crazy and probably wanted to turn me in to a mental hospital that would keep me away from stalking his son at nights and finding me on his front lawn asleep in my car. Yes, i did that, i would sleep in my car to stalk Tim. I would play music loud for him to hear thru his windows, and i would sneak in his windows to have sex with him and crawl out super early before his dad got up and saw me. If your reading this i appreciate all your patients…lol  =)

I think my biggest grudge with his family is their ignorance for their sons emotional and mental well being. I know this is partial Tims fault for not coming to them and asking for help, but i feel if they were paying attention to their sons life they would know him by now and realize Tim will do anything before he ask for help so as adults i wish they would try harder to get it out of him and teach him its Ok to express feelings other than happiness. Poor tim, when we go to counseling, he has such a hard time talking about himself and his emotions the therapist hands tim a chart with several different smiley faces on it so tim can try and pin point through visualization which emotion he may have. Tim has made several improvements in the last 2 years as well as the biggest one, his ability to flip his emotional switch when he started feeling hard to swallow emotions, that brought up feelings of unfinished business as a child

Ok i should sleep… more coming