>Surprised but not really….

>I know I will get bitched at later for this blog but screw it… Its my fucking blog and it upsets me that people are embarrassed of my blogs and feel as though i should not write them and air my dirty laundry to the public but I say….. THIS WAS and IS my LIFE TOO… you werent embarrassed while it was happening or while you were doing it, so you shouldnt be now. People dont usually go into a situation asking themselbes if they should be careful because someone might blog about it later but maybe they should. Celebrities have tgo do it all the time so i dont really feel that bad.
Everything you do effects someone. Somehow, someway, someone, something happens.
I was thinking of your family while writing these last few sentences and asked myself if they were in the public eye if they would have treated me the same and made the same decisions they chose?
Ive forgiven the immature decisions of your family but I have not forgotten and its been these last few weeks that have really hit me hard on just how “COLD” your family really can be.
Besides them disowning me for the first three screwed up years of our relationship I just recently sent your mother a mothers day boquet that cost me 100 Fucking dollars and never received as much as a “Thank You” from her? I mean she didnt or doesnt have to call and talk to me on the phone she could have very easily of sent a Thank You in an email…..
and she must have asked your father to mimic her because I sent your father chocolates and a  miniture palm tree on Fathers day that cost me another 100 fucking dollars and the same loving response was given… NOTHING
It almost makes me feel as though i have done something wrong??????? Are they really not talking to me because I LOVE their son?
I mean really, what did i do wrong? I only married their son and took good care of him and made sure all his needs were met and even allowed him to walk all over me and lie to me and eventually leave me with everything he gave me… NOTHING!!!
except my engagement ring and wedding ring but to be fair I paid for my engagement ring
So even though i knew your family had issues that they have tried to sweep under the rug and I was very aware of how i brought out those issues and made everyone uncomfortable I still am a little shocked that even your aunt hasnt asked me if I was Okay or sent an email or anything….
I guess im shocked because out of everyone in the family i always thought she was the most normal, if there is such a thing
Donna if your reading this, im not trying to personally insult you. I really want you to know that I thought you were a breath of fresh air and a light in the dark to your family. I know you have your issues and actually we never got close enough for me to speak on the matter frankly but you and I are a lot alike.
We are both addicts and somewhat self destructive when not feeling emotionally stable.
I run to drugs and you run to food
an addiction is a failure to bond
the addiction takes the place of a personal relationship and sense im sure it was difficult for you growing up at times with how critical and judgmental VI can be im sure you didnt feel you could share yourself and ran to food to comfort you.
Maybe im wrong but I want you to know that what ever it is… or was…. continue to speak up and be the comic relief in the family. Thank you for making an effort and not being cold and hard to be around. Whether or not you talked shit when i was gone, i still think you made it easier to go to family functions and tim and I both agree that you and chad 

>Mothers and Fathers are not chosen….

>My Grandmother once told me that are family is not decided by us, but chosen for us. She explained this to me as I was screaming over the phone about how frustrated I was with my mother for putting my lil sister through this dramatic situation that could have been avoided if my mother would be mature enough to seek professional help. My Grandmother reminded me that it is perfectly alright to not like, love, or respect some of your family members because unfortunately you do not chose them. I didnt understand this philosophy because as an adult you were raised your whole life to feel that blood is thicker than water and that family is there forever and blah blah blah. But as im growing and maturing I realize, If i was able to pick my family members now, as I am allowed to chose my friends, half of my family would be forgotten.

Lets be honest for second. When we chose are close friends, we really, or at least some of us, really check people out first. We listen to them, and we need them and sometimes they need us and on those terms we decide if this person is capable or if this person is even anything like us to want to tolerate them, and by tolerating them we are actually saying…. I am allowing you to fill my life with your DRAMA at times because I care and because I respect you enough to want to be there for your drama and hope you are there for mine.

I really only have a 3 people in my life i would consider to be good friends, and those people have really dealt with some of my shit and I have dealt with some of theres and i listen and put there motives together and really honestly TEST them to see if these people I want in my circle of life. I ask myself…. WHY CANT WE DO THIS WITH FAMILY. Or i should say I WISH WE COULD DO THIS WITH FAMILY.
So many of us are NOTHING like our family members and yet for some reason we are told we have to LOVE THEM and respect them. I remember posting below and talking about how i didnt feel FAMILY was your blood line, and i MEANT IT. FAMILY IS soooo much more

As an adult I would chose a mother with less baggage and drama and I would make sure she was a good role model for my lil sister and wife for my dad. As a dad I would have wanted someone that was more emotionally there for me who could see I was going the wrong way and pull my aside and talk to me about the right and wrong ways to pick up a man. My grandfather would have been someone smart enough to see I was being molested and take me away to safe place and my Uncle would have come to my wedding.

I see my husband and the pain he has for his family i wish i could explain this philosophy. See my whole life i felt not worthy in front of my step dad who constantly made me feel like i was a bad person and liar. My mother always argued with him even though it was not for me or my wants… I think she argued now to have herself be heard because i was always in trouble no matter what. Anyways my point is that i grew up feeling like i needed to prove myself to my dad and as adults if we are honest with ourselves there is always that one parent that your still trying to get your approval from. For instance, my mother does not know this or hasnt put it together yet or maybe she doesnt care but my father has always gotten bigger and better Christmas presents from me. Im talking expensive gifts…. Why do i feel i can buy his love? i dont…  BUT im still seeking his approval… I see it happening and Im even blogging about it but on Fathers day i will still do it. Ill still make sure his gift is the biggest and the best.

Same goes for my husband. Because my husband knows he has my approval already he tends to treat me with less importance and try and seek his parents approval. At times this makes me jealous because i am only human but other times it makes me sad that my husband is still seeking for his unicorn, as am I.

Its not that his parents don’t approve. Im sure they think they did a fine job of showing Tim approval but they don’t understand because they are too involved in their own lives to worry about their sons. Or maybe i should be nicer and say that they are kind of too “old school” to even think that the way they decided to bring up their kids would effect them their WHOLE lives. I mean, Tim isnt the only one with issues. It says something about his sister who stayed with a man who beat her. I also see why she has gone on to always be the center of attention because if you don’t try, you dont get any….. For example my husband doesn’t try to get attention. He never has, he just sits in the sidelines and the family interprets that as, tim doesn’t want any attention. Kim, likes to get attention by either using her son, her boyfriends, or her drama or attitude, and gets a lot of attention. They figure ill give it to her because shes asking. Some families will never understand that some people feel they are a burden if they ask. Some people feel they are not worthy of extra attention. Some quietly wait on the sidelines SCREAMING in the inside for love and affection, only to be screaming their whole lives at no one but themselves.

i may continue this one or edit it later

>FAMILY continued…

>

that was intense!!!! Dang Karla,….lol I didnt even know or understand where that comment came from…lol its probably my fault since i dont spell check or use any type of rule of thumb or grammar procedure so im sure its hard to read my blogs sometimes.

I was trying to explain the difference and the importance of having “family” in your life. i cant imagine how many embarrassing moments I would have found myself in if i didnt have family to explain to me all of life’s little quirks to prepare me for inevitable. For Tim, this was and is not the case. Im slowly starting to realize that his family counted on his baseball couch to be his “life counselor” as well. His family never sat him down to even try and bother with talks of woman and men and how each has and plays an important role. He also says he remembers his family being very “hush hush” about most things that pertained to sex or relationships and so he continued to go without any real relationships most of his school years and gave his all to the sport of baseball. Its sad that someone like me would look at someone like tim and think he had it all. I mean on the outside he was a good looking white kid who came from middle class working parents. On the inside, he was being neglected and emotionally and physically starved. Tim says he first started masturbating at the age of 7. Now this might not seem weird to some but his sister has a young boy who will be 7 next year and thats totally just disgusting when i think about it in those terms.  He said he remembers his mother would just leave him in his room for long periods of time and he found out one day it felt good to play with himself, and eventually being alone wasnt so bad anymore. Now moving on

 Im not sure if i mentioned how Tims family played a role in my life for the first 3 years of our relationship? NO…..? I didnt say, you say?

Well that’s because i was instantly BANNED and NOT invited or Welcomed to any family functions or gatherings.Why? well, because his Sister found out through her fiance’s friend that i was a STRIPPER!!!

O…M….G! i know, the terror of it all, really. So she became jealous and insecure causing a wave of insecurity within the woman of his family and they must have taken a hand vote when tim and I werent there because instantly I was voted out. No questions asked. Its a very weird feeling to know your husband is going over to his families house for a Holiday and you cant come with him because your NOT invited and you were informed you make the woman uncomfortable????? UNCOMFORTABLE???? As if i wanted to come over and take my clothes off, while rubbing my breasts in their faces and collecting dollar bills, ….. PLEASE… and while im being banned, i find it funny im looked or frowned on because of my job yet TIM is the one who met me there!! I mean, i would have No job if it werent for guys like Tim coming in and spending money. But Nooooo, nothing of that sort was ever mentioned because they would be admitting fault or imperfection and they cant tolerate anything out of the Norm. So i dont think i need to explain how hurt I was and how confused i was when i would run into one of the them or all of them dropping tim off or gathering my things in time to leave before an event started. Id have to say the worst of them all was his sister.

I really dont want to go into the issues that each person has but i do find it important to let you understand she is the kind of person that walks around, wanting someone to know she doesnt like them. It doesnt just make her happy to talk the family into not inviting me to a function but she has to stare you down, roll her eyes, ignore, blah blah. This usually doesnt get to me but i dont understand why she never gave me a chance. she never even tried to get to know me. I felt and still do feel sorry for her. Its people like that who want to bring other people down to try and feel better about themselves. I watched her try to keep me from feeling welcomed and i think she thought her brother would some how want to get rid of me for her own personal well being. WRONG…. Here i am. I’m not going anywhere. Your games are getting old and tiring. Your 3o something years old. Its about time to just let your brother be happy and start feeling happy for him when hes happy. Even if that means sacrificing your happiness for 2 seconds. Yes it hurt when his mother, Aunt and grandmother acted disgusted by my presence too but to me, i understood that its a different time now then it was back then and things are more openly discussed and that its a gradual change that can take some people by storm if your not keeping up. Plus , none of them went out of their way to hate me besides her. Plus Karma was around the corner when one day Tim finally told his family if i wasnt invited, he wasnt coming and i could tell when tim told them he had popped the question to me and I said YES, that his sister was shocked it wasnt her and her fiance having this announcement first….

OH man i wish i could explain to you how internally Joyous this day was for me on two levels. One I’m getting married to the man i LOVE and two , I WON BITCHES!!!!!!!! YUP that’s Right i won!!!!!!!! Of coarse i would never say that in public but I’m sure my smile said it all as they each came up and hugged me and tried to vomit the words congratulations.. HAHAHA I think what effected me most was how much of a Traumatic change they made over night with how “uncomfortable” they were and all. Boy did they get comfortable fast and I dont know if they thought i wouldn’t notice or remember but I feel everyone ignored the big white elephant in the room, the one named “apologizing” and swept it under the rug where all their problems went that they didnt know how to deal with. I allowed this because it wasn’t worth my time, my husband was the most important to me and i must have been doing something right for him to want to stay
My family is completely different…. Id have to say the biggest difference from my family to his, is our communication skills. My family is all about our emotions and feelings. We have no problem expressing them or talkin about them no matter how mundane or repetitive. My family also understands we come from a blood line of “Fuck ups” and addicts. I think all of us at one point or another had to fall on our ass in order to want to finally pick ourselves up. Because of this knowledge and awareness we tend to judge less quickly and see a persons potential instead of their downfall. This was in Tims favor since my family took him back with open arms each time i did. There was never any mention of how he was only a pizza delivery boy and that at 26 was still living with his father. My family never treated him in a way that would make him feel judged or belittled. I think thats the same reason i could get over the fact he had done so much wrong to me and keep coming back for more. Its like i didnt see the Tim that was doing God awful selfish things to me but saw the one day, incredible Father, good husband and future Best friend.

However Its this thinking that has caused me to be up right now at 1 in the morning on a Tuesday writing about my disappointment in my marriage and with men. So yeah, the first three years of our relationship was rocky but add a little “judgemental family” with a side of “hypocritical views” and you have yourself a stew that will keep you full and bloated for years.

NOW his dad is an interesting fellow, Im still trying to understand their relationship. The story goes, Tims father was very critical of him and how he did things. Tim tells me he remembers never feeling good enough and remembers his Father losing his cool if something went wrong or different from what his father had planned. Tim also says, his father made him feel like he couldn’t do something unless it was done his fathers way. Lucky for Tim he had a natural skill and athleticism that would grant him his full ride to college thru the game of baseball to give his dad something to be happy about. But growing up poor tim was mostly left alone in his room to make due with his surroundings to keep him company while both his mother and father worked or just didnt see the importance of spending quality time that didnt consist of telling him how to live his life. This is what would soon lead to Tims adult sexual addiction and his emotional anxiety and rage. Since meeting tim, he has expressed to me his fear of becoming like his father. This is normal to all children and even I myself once encouraged the thought of being completely different. This bubbled was burst fairly quickly after realizing I couldn’t pretend to not feel a certain way about things I could only chose to react differently

So back to his father. You could tell his father felt torn in the beginning deciding whether to listen to his daughter or his son. He allowed me a fair chance and to be honest, was very patient with me in the beginning. Im sure he thought i was the crazy and probably wanted to turn me in to a mental hospital that would keep me away from stalking his son at nights and finding me on his front lawn asleep in my car. Yes, i did that, i would sleep in my car to stalk Tim. I would play music loud for him to hear thru his windows, and i would sneak in his windows to have sex with him and crawl out super early before his dad got up and saw me. If your reading this i appreciate all your patients…lol  =)

I think my biggest grudge with his family is their ignorance for their sons emotional and mental well being. I know this is partial Tims fault for not coming to them and asking for help, but i feel if they were paying attention to their sons life they would know him by now and realize Tim will do anything before he ask for help so as adults i wish they would try harder to get it out of him and teach him its Ok to express feelings other than happiness. Poor tim, when we go to counseling, he has such a hard time talking about himself and his emotions the therapist hands tim a chart with several different smiley faces on it so tim can try and pin point through visualization which emotion he may have. Tim has made several improvements in the last 2 years as well as the biggest one, his ability to flip his emotional switch when he started feeling hard to swallow emotions, that brought up feelings of unfinished business as a child

Ok i should sleep… more coming

>Im afraid to even say the word….. FAMILY

>

Image via Wikipedia

Yes, I know, I dont want to have to go there either but that’s the next page in my life that i must discuss with you, no matter how screwed up and tragic it may be. Im actually surprised I didnt bring it up sooner because to be honest some of these events came before the new girls.

Family, or should i say the people who share the same blood as Tim have played an important role in my life and yet I try not to think about them as necessary or important, or at least i didnt.

I must quickly add this smart ass remark before i go any further because knowing them (tim’s family) they are keeping up with all my pages so that they can call one another and gossip for hours about how inappropriate and immature i am, and how Tim belongs with someone sooooo much better. Actually Im almost positive that either his witch of a sister “K” found my page first and emailed her mother who emailed her aunt or something along those lines. Really the men of that family arent so bad. The Men are pretty damn cool in my book, except his father. Its not that hes not cool, but hes on a whole different level and i consider him a different family. Its like we have Chanels Family, Tims family and his dad…. lol. i dont know why this is, it just is.. you will see later.

Ok so what i wanted to say was Im not trying to offend anyone in this blog or hurt anyones feelings but this is MY LIFE, how I SEE IT and how I HAVE FELT THINGS. So please try and PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES.

Ok so i needed to add that tid bit because im going to explain why i have such a hard time calling Tims blood line his Family. Family means different things to different people and in my opinion “Family” is not always the people who share your blood, they are the ones who except, love, try to understand, hold out their hands and love you no matter what because it makes them happy to love you, not because they have to. Family comes to you before you have to go to them to make sure your OK. Family is also in my opinion your number one source for information on life, love, and everything else. I believe you should have some of your most personal conversations with your family BECAUSE you are a product of your environment (family) and most likely you guys will/ should have the same opinions and reactions, and in the case you consider a family neighbor of a friends parent or someone not related to you as your family, this rule prob still applies because your either spending so much time with them or you respect them and look up to them so you will find yourself being like them or learning from them. It makes no sense or should i say it makes less sense to ask a friend about personal questions because they didnt grow up the way you did and they wont react or feel the same way. For instance, I talk to my mother and grandmother about porn. I know this is weird to some, but i do this because i know I got my insecurities of it from my mother. My mother talks to me about how she came about feeling negative about it and informed me of personal things that happened in her life. Now i can chose to use this as my reasoning behind my actions and thoughts, or i can get a second opinion and thats why i go to my Grandma. Not only is she beautiful but my mother says she has no problem being around porn and that her insecurities did not come from her mother so this is perfect for me to get another side of things. My GMA is so understanding and wise and she talks to me about how its not important in the scheme of life and how I can not go judging myself based on every porn my husband has ever watched or thought of. Anyways im losing track. The reason i go to them instead of my friends is because i know im half like my mother and sometimes like my Gma, because i was raised by both at different times. So i know that both my need to understand why i feel a certain way about a subject will be met and why i will react a certain way will be understood as well. Just so you know i dont believe family is always right and thats the reason i didnt say, the answer to how something should be will be given, because family cant give you the right answer to how you should be or feel, they can only tell you about themselves and why they do it and its up to us as adults to accept their reasoning as our own or to say “you know, i think there’s more to this” and do your own investigations

give me a second to pee

>You make me….

>    Yesterday my husband of 3 years moved out.

I will admit this was somewhat done on a mutual basis, but until he actually started taking boxes to his truck, it had not hit the depths of my heart. I had no idea how much emotion and anxiety i was holding inside until i allowed the first tear to steam down my cheek. At that point I felt somewhat faint and began to hyperventilate until finally the first sound of a cry came out of my lungs and into the empty living room that was once ours…..

How could I have let it get this far? Why was I not doing what I normally did when this would occur? Was he feeling the same way i was??

u
I had found things before November that were hurtful if not more devastating then this last renegade. Plus i felt as if i was starting to become more understanding and use to it. I mean if you really break it down to simple terms, is it bad that your husband wants to jack off everywhere at anytime for anyone to see or partake? I hadnt caught him paying for sex yet? I had heard of womens’husbands cheating on them with several different women even with the big house, beautiful children and even the white fence with dog… I mean I felt sorry for them before i would ever consider feeling sorry for myself. Who was I trying to fool with my excuses, and fantasy land practiced lines. Truth is, you knew more about him then he would ever tell you or want you to know, and it doesnt just stop or start here. Really if I write it down on paper it would look something like this

November 3 2003.
Go into work like any other night only to find it completely dead and boring. Two young guys walk into the club and sit down and immediately several girls flack over to try and snag the kill. Young guys weren’t my type nor did they have the money i was looking for but they were cute and it probably would kill some time until the regulars would show up and want a dance. I walked by after all the other women were turned down and just decided they would keep my company.

“HI, Im Karma, Its boring in here right now so your my victim and you have to keep my company”.
Chuckling- ” Im Tim “
“Hi Tim, besides checking out tits and ass, tell me about yourself.”

He started telling me how he graduated from Milken (my rival school) and worked as a driver for a pizza place. I hadnt heard of the place but before stripping was planning on attending the college right next store. At the time i was sleeping with my abusive ex boyfriend for a place to live but so desperately wanted a way out. I know what your thinking, why didnt i just get my own place? I had a couple before but always seemed to have different men over every night or friends sleep over so that i was occupied and unavailable mentally to understand who i was. Plus the pile of Coke i kept above my washer and dryer didnt help the fact that i was 18, dancing, running from an abusive boyfriend while calling him over to sleep with me and looking for my purpose in life while my vagina was engulfing any mans anatomy. But of coarse at this point in my life i would have never of admitted it to you, even though inside I knew what i had become and what i was destintined to be, “Co dependent”.

Even though Tim had told me he didnt have the money for a VIP dance he after i had left his side he managed to find the money and pull me aside to shyly ask if I would give him a dance even though he turned me down earlier…

In the VIP i dont remember much and what i do remember is a blurr. But I remember being embarrassed to really give him a “good” Dance and for some reason felt somewhat shy in his presence. I thought i was learning more about him as his penis grew and gave me an estimated measurement. It was nice, I could tell and the fact that i was instantly attracted to him did not help but what surprised me more than anything else was the fact that I actually showed up to his place of work after he invited me as he was leaving the club.

Shyly- “I dont know if you would be interested but I would really enjoy it if you came into my work and ill make you a pizza”
chuckling I answered- ” Yeah, OK”

even though I never met any man outside of the club and wasn’t about to say “No” in case he wanted to become a pattenial regular.

As I pulled up to the pizza joint, parking far away so he would not see the big blue boat I drove, I instantly caught his eye as i shut my door and could see his smile from across the parking lot. At that point I saw two other guys come to his side and start to smile as they starred at me walk into the store.

“I didnt think you were going to show up”
” I told you I would and I always keep my promises”

After pizza he had to get back to work and invited me to go to the desert at 4 in the morning. I don’t consider myself High maintenance but unless I was using drugs there was no way i would ever be awake or decide to wake up that early but again I said “yes” and again I did get out of bed, very quietly, so as to not wake up my boyfriend, and scurried out the door to meet him at his house. Right away I felt he was a “good boy” with his dad owning a nice 3 bd rm house in the middle of a nice neighborhood. I walked into his room quietly and looked around at all his motocross posters and baseball trophies. This was definitely what i had been looking for…. “Stability”. Later that day I made sure to leave my mark by fucking him the way i knew, the way I had trained and the way he would remember…It had never failed me before and I was confident it wouldn’t this time. I was right, and from then on came the series of events to take place

Novemeber 15 2003
He tells me he wants me for himself and does not want to see other people, i agree.
Novemeber 18 2003
His girlfriend at the time (We will call her G1-short for Girl #1 to interfere in my plans to make this man mine)celebrates her birthday with his dick in her, realizing something was not right when he was having trouble being intimate..
December 7 2003
I see Tim later on at night and he kisses me softly as I go and celebrate my 19 birthday with some girlfriends only to end up in a horrific car accident on my way home.
December 8 2003
Tim rushes by myself to be with me at the hospital as my parents walk in. I dont have a regular relationship with my parents considering i moved out at 16 but I know they love me.
When they saw tim holding my hand as I was strapped to the bed my dad walks in and immediately asks

“Who are you” directing his question at Tim
“Hi im Tim, Im seeing your daughter”

They release me from the hospital and when it is discovered that it is raining outside, Tim rushes to take off his size 11 shoes and put them on my size 7 feet so that I dont walk in any puddles, and as he put his coat around my shoulders I could tell he left an impression on my dad who was smiling and my mother who was “aaawwwwing”He showed up at my parents house and I slept on his knee as i recovered from the accident

Christmas- I go to his families house only to be starred at and made very uncomfortable.

Sometime after that- We get drunk at his friends house as his phone rings. It her, G1, and she wants him to pick her up because she is in Long Beach. I find out he has not broken up completely with his girlfriend and politely grab the phone from him and tell her if she is drunk and needs help we will pick her up together. She did not like this answer….

later I yell at Tim asking him why he has not told her about me and how could he have lied to me when he has been having sex with me everyday and I have been practically living at his house. I can not remember the excuse he told me at that time but he seemed sincere enough for me to keep going

2004- I meet most of his friends and he tells me he is going to Vegas for an all Guys party and will be back. I believe him and buy him an expensive dress shirt and slacks so he will look nice in Vegas and was careful to not show him my insecurity about him leaving with all men.

Couple days later- He calls my parents house asking for me but I am not there, my mother hears a girls voice in the backroung of his call and immediadently calls me to tell me that Tim called and that she heard a women’s voice. I find out Tim was the only one to not take his girlfriend on the trip and tells me the excuse it was because I had not turned 21 yet and didnt want me to have a boring time
Tim comes home from Vegas- I find lipstick on his collar

Next Month- We go out to eat and as I puke in the back of an alley, after drinking too much, He rushes to my side with a box of Kleenex. I hug him and whisper in his ear that I love him. To this he tells me I am drunk and I repeat myself so he understands I am serious. He looks at me in my eyes and tells me ” I love you too”

I find an aparmtne and immediately Tim moves in with me. Life is great. Sex is awesome and I have been sober for longer then ever before I started dancing.
One night I decide to let an old friend over to my new place where he gives me a line of Coke. At that point I could not stop and when Tim called to ask me what we wanted to do later that night, I told him I was going to call it a night and go to bed. He said he was going to too
Later that night Tim comes by and sees that there is another man at my house and starts yelling at my door. As I look outside there is his friend Jon and his girlfriend Christine but there was also one other girl in the back of the vehicle. I give tim the guitar I bought him only two days before on Valentines day.
This was the only thing he wanted as he stormed out of my driveway.

After that i went back to my old ways and was Coked up most of the time. I never heard from Tim but the story goes when Jons girlfriend heard i wouldn’t be coming to the movies she invited a girlfriend to keep Tim company and Tim appreciated the gesture. He also started dating this girl after our fight and she happens to live at the end of my block in a frat house. I also hear he likes her big tits….

Months go by and I dont ever think about Tim until one day I check my messages to hear Tims voice tell me to call him back. My heart pounds and I make sure to get cleaned up and dressed before we meet to give him back his Walkman. I knew this was an excuse to see me and i was going to take the opportunity to make sure i planted my seed right back in his life

I dont remember when i started getting suspicious but there were events that caused me to check his email one night. Maybe it was the fact I never understood why he was upset at me doing coke and lying about it but that he never admitted his friends Jon and Christine were trying to hook him up with someone else that night and he took the offer only to probably be disappointed and show up at my house at the wrong time that night. What ever it was I ended up finding several letters from G1 in his email box, talking about how she misses him and had fun going out to eat with him after school. I didnt understand this because Tim and I had been back on for several months and my life was sober and good again. Our sex was better than ever and I was making all the right moves to have him fall for me. I mean really that’s all I ever wanted was to find a man that would love me enough to ask me to marry him and take care of me and be there for me whenever I needed. Right? wasnt that what ever girl was destined to do. Find Husband, Make Babies, Be sexy, Give Sex….

What was I doing wrong?

To be continued