>Surprised but not really….

>I know I will get bitched at later for this blog but screw it… Its my fucking blog and it upsets me that people are embarrassed of my blogs and feel as though i should not write them and air my dirty laundry to the public but I say….. THIS WAS and IS my LIFE TOO… you werent embarrassed while it was happening or while you were doing it, so you shouldnt be now. People dont usually go into a situation asking themselbes if they should be careful because someone might blog about it later but maybe they should. Celebrities have tgo do it all the time so i dont really feel that bad.
Everything you do effects someone. Somehow, someway, someone, something happens.
I was thinking of your family while writing these last few sentences and asked myself if they were in the public eye if they would have treated me the same and made the same decisions they chose?
Ive forgiven the immature decisions of your family but I have not forgotten and its been these last few weeks that have really hit me hard on just how “COLD” your family really can be.
Besides them disowning me for the first three screwed up years of our relationship I just recently sent your mother a mothers day boquet that cost me 100 Fucking dollars and never received as much as a “Thank You” from her? I mean she didnt or doesnt have to call and talk to me on the phone she could have very easily of sent a Thank You in an email…..
and she must have asked your father to mimic her because I sent your father chocolates and a  miniture palm tree on Fathers day that cost me another 100 fucking dollars and the same loving response was given… NOTHING
It almost makes me feel as though i have done something wrong??????? Are they really not talking to me because I LOVE their son?
I mean really, what did i do wrong? I only married their son and took good care of him and made sure all his needs were met and even allowed him to walk all over me and lie to me and eventually leave me with everything he gave me… NOTHING!!!
except my engagement ring and wedding ring but to be fair I paid for my engagement ring
So even though i knew your family had issues that they have tried to sweep under the rug and I was very aware of how i brought out those issues and made everyone uncomfortable I still am a little shocked that even your aunt hasnt asked me if I was Okay or sent an email or anything….
I guess im shocked because out of everyone in the family i always thought she was the most normal, if there is such a thing
Donna if your reading this, im not trying to personally insult you. I really want you to know that I thought you were a breath of fresh air and a light in the dark to your family. I know you have your issues and actually we never got close enough for me to speak on the matter frankly but you and I are a lot alike.
We are both addicts and somewhat self destructive when not feeling emotionally stable.
I run to drugs and you run to food
an addiction is a failure to bond
the addiction takes the place of a personal relationship and sense im sure it was difficult for you growing up at times with how critical and judgmental VI can be im sure you didnt feel you could share yourself and ran to food to comfort you.
Maybe im wrong but I want you to know that what ever it is… or was…. continue to speak up and be the comic relief in the family. Thank you for making an effort and not being cold and hard to be around. Whether or not you talked shit when i was gone, i still think you made it easier to go to family functions and tim and I both agree that you and chad 

>Mothers and Fathers are not chosen….

>My Grandmother once told me that are family is not decided by us, but chosen for us. She explained this to me as I was screaming over the phone about how frustrated I was with my mother for putting my lil sister through this dramatic situation that could have been avoided if my mother would be mature enough to seek professional help. My Grandmother reminded me that it is perfectly alright to not like, love, or respect some of your family members because unfortunately you do not chose them. I didnt understand this philosophy because as an adult you were raised your whole life to feel that blood is thicker than water and that family is there forever and blah blah blah. But as im growing and maturing I realize, If i was able to pick my family members now, as I am allowed to chose my friends, half of my family would be forgotten.

Lets be honest for second. When we chose are close friends, we really, or at least some of us, really check people out first. We listen to them, and we need them and sometimes they need us and on those terms we decide if this person is capable or if this person is even anything like us to want to tolerate them, and by tolerating them we are actually saying…. I am allowing you to fill my life with your DRAMA at times because I care and because I respect you enough to want to be there for your drama and hope you are there for mine.

I really only have a 3 people in my life i would consider to be good friends, and those people have really dealt with some of my shit and I have dealt with some of theres and i listen and put there motives together and really honestly TEST them to see if these people I want in my circle of life. I ask myself…. WHY CANT WE DO THIS WITH FAMILY. Or i should say I WISH WE COULD DO THIS WITH FAMILY.
So many of us are NOTHING like our family members and yet for some reason we are told we have to LOVE THEM and respect them. I remember posting below and talking about how i didnt feel FAMILY was your blood line, and i MEANT IT. FAMILY IS soooo much more

As an adult I would chose a mother with less baggage and drama and I would make sure she was a good role model for my lil sister and wife for my dad. As a dad I would have wanted someone that was more emotionally there for me who could see I was going the wrong way and pull my aside and talk to me about the right and wrong ways to pick up a man. My grandfather would have been someone smart enough to see I was being molested and take me away to safe place and my Uncle would have come to my wedding.

I see my husband and the pain he has for his family i wish i could explain this philosophy. See my whole life i felt not worthy in front of my step dad who constantly made me feel like i was a bad person and liar. My mother always argued with him even though it was not for me or my wants… I think she argued now to have herself be heard because i was always in trouble no matter what. Anyways my point is that i grew up feeling like i needed to prove myself to my dad and as adults if we are honest with ourselves there is always that one parent that your still trying to get your approval from. For instance, my mother does not know this or hasnt put it together yet or maybe she doesnt care but my father has always gotten bigger and better Christmas presents from me. Im talking expensive gifts…. Why do i feel i can buy his love? i dont…  BUT im still seeking his approval… I see it happening and Im even blogging about it but on Fathers day i will still do it. Ill still make sure his gift is the biggest and the best.

Same goes for my husband. Because my husband knows he has my approval already he tends to treat me with less importance and try and seek his parents approval. At times this makes me jealous because i am only human but other times it makes me sad that my husband is still seeking for his unicorn, as am I.

Its not that his parents don’t approve. Im sure they think they did a fine job of showing Tim approval but they don’t understand because they are too involved in their own lives to worry about their sons. Or maybe i should be nicer and say that they are kind of too “old school” to even think that the way they decided to bring up their kids would effect them their WHOLE lives. I mean, Tim isnt the only one with issues. It says something about his sister who stayed with a man who beat her. I also see why she has gone on to always be the center of attention because if you don’t try, you dont get any….. For example my husband doesn’t try to get attention. He never has, he just sits in the sidelines and the family interprets that as, tim doesn’t want any attention. Kim, likes to get attention by either using her son, her boyfriends, or her drama or attitude, and gets a lot of attention. They figure ill give it to her because shes asking. Some families will never understand that some people feel they are a burden if they ask. Some people feel they are not worthy of extra attention. Some quietly wait on the sidelines SCREAMING in the inside for love and affection, only to be screaming their whole lives at no one but themselves.

i may continue this one or edit it later

>Where was GOD?

>This hurt me badly because it was in plain view that he was a dog. Trying to cheat on a woman he proposed to and was about to make his wife. He also spent over a 100 dollars of his companies money in Internet porn webcaming and i watched from states away my fiance pay for conversation with a naked woman touching herself instead of calling me….

 continued…

I cant begin to tell you how disappointed i was, how hurt and betrayed I felt. I felt not only lied to by my husband but abandoned by God. “Where are you now GOD”? I know he didnt not promise that all days would be great but this was just a smack in my face. Tim and I had been doing so well. We were also in Pre Marital counseling at our church during this time and i remember us walking in one Wednesday and i just balled my eyes out telling the instructors about what I thought tim had done. Tim just sat there, lifeless, blank, and cold while we all prayed together and discussed the actions we should take to prevent this from happening again. 

6 months before the wedding was hectic. We decided to move into a bigger unit with a garage so Tim would have more room to work on his truck. It was a nice apartment and i felt a relief leaving the old one behind. I was planning the wedding by myself and paying out of pocket for more than half of it. I wanted to prove to his family that i was not some ghetto piece of trash but had ideas and thoughts just has good as the rest and could execute them like no one else. I dont know why i felt i had to prove myself when I was around them but they always had a way of making me feel as though it wasn’t good enough. I had discussed with Tim my concerns of children at our wedding being that it was a night time event with a full bar, candle lights, and many drunk friends. He agreed with me and we placed the “adult only wedding” sign at the bottom of our invitations. 

Boy did this start some controversy within his family. 

See they had already put it in their heads that his sisters child, tims nephew, would be ring bearer or something and could never imagine a wedding with out this 3 year old boy attending. It became the great debate within our families and i remember losing my feeling of ever being understood by Tims family. We were just too different. His sister took it has a personal slap in her face and made sure to turn this whole wedding that was suppose to be about Tim and Chanel joining as one to Will Tim’s sister show up to the wedding? She cried to her mom and her dad who called me and tim and tried to get us to change our minds which if was left to tim to hear on his own, would have caved in and passively agreed. He doesn’t want to argue or debate with anyone especially his family. In Tims family i think its considered “unhealthy” to argue or debate but i personally do not feel this to be true if done in a constructive manner and to be honest, the way it was handled was in my opinion immature and one sided. All the grandparents and his parents were more worried about getting Kayson into the wedding then making sure their son was happy or felt excepted. I stood my ground though, and helped Tim for the first time stand his. 

I dont remember exactly when things started changing again but before the wedding had actually taken place tim had managed to build an affair with a co worker of his. 

I would log onto his email while he was at work and watch as they invited each other to lunch and flirted back and forth. Half of me was disgusted and scared, my heart was already broken and for some reason I had felt too much had been purchased and planned to cancel the wedding now. I so desperately had wished at that moment we had purchased some kind of wedding insurance where I could have called it off without losing the 12k that was already spent. But their I was….. alone but engaged. 

He would come home at nights and either be really happy as tho his dick was just sucked in the office bathroom or horribly aggressive. He never told me about his affair and as the wedding got closer and more lies were told I BROKE

See i couldn’t tell tim I had access to his email because I knew being the liar he was he would just create a fake one that i could not find, which would put me at a disadvantage, and I couldn’t try and drag it out of him because when i did he disgusted me even more when he would tell me how stupid and psyhco was being and that i needed to learn to trust people and stop blaming everything on him and so forth. I would rather not see this side of my husband because it makes him out to be 10times more of an asshole then what i wanted to see in him. So i let it build inside me and to release my pain and continue on with what was suppose to be the most beautiful wedding, I made a friend with Meth.

As, Tim would leave for work, i would kiss his soft lips and for the split moment feel special. Once gone, looking at his Internet activities the night before while i was working or out purchasing things for the wedding made me feel enraged and belittled but after the hit and white cloud was exhaled from my lips, I felt nothing, nothing but numb. 

I latched on to meth for the next 3 month before our big day and when Tim noticed my sudden loss in weight and the disappearance of my body in bed at nights he began to question. I hated answering all of his questions, and listening to his rhetorical lies. How he would argue and fight with how wrong i was being by doing drugs but never mentioned any of his little escapades made him look foolish and cowardly to me, but not until he gave me my first black eye, did i learn not to tell him to his face. 

Dont get me wrong, he didn’t mean to and i know I didnt always keep my calm when we fought causing him to get more upset then was needed. I would scream at the top of my lungs trying to get him to listen to me and hear the importance of my cries but tim came from a family where you stayed calm and collected and it was this calmness about him that really just put me on edge. Why when im crying and pouring my feelings to you about your affairs and lies do you insist on telling me to calm down and shut up. This would only add fuel to the fire and when he would ignore me is when i would get in his face. It was this move that i needed work with. I always watched my mother yell and scream and get into my dads face when they argued. I never liked it when she would yell in mine either but years later i can see my mother in the reflection off Tims pupils as I used the only distress signal i was ever taught; my voice. So it wasnt long before it would turn to violence. I knew it and he knew it but i think we were both shocked when my blood vessels proved it. After that night it became apparent to me that Tim got the wrong impression when i apologized for my actions and told him how i felt it was the cause of his fist. I feel this way because then it was pusing me into things like the corner of a dresser, up against a wall, and im sure a couple other items that made me feel he felt no remorse. I still have a scar from the first time he pushed me against the edge of a sharp cabinet. I told him it hurt but he didnt care. 

After finding my meth pipe one night he ran to his mothers house the next day. We were all suppose to meet for a family gathering and it would be special because my family was invited too. All i know remember is the look of disgust she gave me when i showed up at her door to speak with her son, my future husband. I knew then that he had told his family i was using in hopes to get their sympathy  and support. I remember feeling like i wanted to start creating a timeline of all Tim’s mistakes to earn their sympathy on my side. I never said anything about Tim at all and left the family gathering with Tim by my side apologising for his actions. He will never understand what its like to feel the way i did that day & I quickly called Duane and scheduled an appt for our first professional counseling session. 

Duane Osterlind is a great guy and i knew i would have to pick a male couselor to help Tim and I get over our problems or else Tim would feel as though he was being attacked if he was a she.

The look on Duanes face was priceless as we sat there and yelled at each other, just 1 month before our big day. I remember him asking the both of us why we were getting married and the answer was always the same…

Because we love each other. 

>And so it began….

>OKAY, here it is… The letter that started it all. Keep in mind the reason for this letter was because on Christmas Tim bolted out the door only after being there for 3 min because his family gave him a look of disappointment and asked why he forgot to bring a plate of peppers, which  made him feel pinned against a wall, with no way out. This was the letter we sat down AND WROTE TOGETHER.

Hello Family…
Tim and I would like to thank everyone for their generosity and hospitality this Christmas year. I know it has been a rough year for a lot of people and I feel very lucky and blessed for what I have and the people I know, which brings me to the reason for this email….
We would also like to apologize for the unexpected disappearance on Christmas and I would like to take a second to make some suggestions that would prevent this from happening again… hopefully…LOL

For those who do not know, Tim was given a promotion toward the end of the year and was given about double the work load. I am very proud of Tim’s work ethic and I know hes a perfectionist and likes to give it his all at work because he likes his employees and management to trust him and respect him. Because of the effort he puts into his job, I have come to realize over the years that certain jobs or responsibilities around our home are better done by me because I have the storage room in my brain for some more responsibility….lol
When Tim and I first got married the family did start to go through me to let us know when the family was meeting and where and what time they started and what we should bring. It has only been recently that i have noticed less messages/emails get to me and are now going to Tim’s work email. Im not sure why the emails stopped coming to me and Tim says it may be because i did not answer them in a “timely” manner but from now on, If there is something you would like to know, ask or request, we ask that you do not email him at work and instead please email me at this email. If it is something that has nothing to do with us or me and u would just like to speak to him, it may be best to email him at M#%^*(@gmail.com so his boss does not feel he is taking advantage of the email at work and so that he is able to stay focused while working, Or just call him & leave a message. I hope this email does not come off sounding rude, but honestly the issue this Christmas was Tim is under a lot of stress and does not want the responsibility of remembering what food to bring or what time to be where. He is planning events all year long and I told him I would be happy to take on that responsibility in our home life. He is very sensitive to how his family “sees” him and when he forgot to bring the food, the comments and “eyes” that were given to him had him feeling like he had failed. Of coarse i explained to him that he is not a failure and that his mother would rather see him for Christmas, even if he forgot to bring peppers, then he leave but Tim’s sensitivity is something he will personally have to work on, until then it would be much appreciated if the family would go through me to ask or request things from us.

I will do a better job of answering my emails, ( I hooked my email to my phone so i know whenever i get a new one) and I will answer when i know the answer. We appreciate you guys understanding… I personally think it will only be difficult for Tim this next year while he gets settled into his new position and after that, I’m sure he will be more comfortable with his job and be able to free more of his head for home life.


Until then i know this Australia vacation is much needed time away and I’m sure he will want to share his experiences with everyone when he gets back.


Love you guys
\
Instead of this letter being looked at in a positive manor and an email that would be appreciated, it was looked down on as if  I was some crazy chick who wanted to hi jack his email box and starve him of his families emails and love. R u Serious though, really?
…. You really think for some reason i dont want my husband communicating with his family?
You guys really think i am jealous of you and keep him from being with you?
Well your wrong… If it weren’t for me, most of your birthdays would have been forgotten and gifts would have been last minute and by the way… who do you think it is that reminds Tim in advance he needs to be home for an occasion or that he needs to call back or email back the person that emailed or got in touch with him over a week ago. Since when did i become the bad guy here???? 

So heres when and where i decided i was no longer going to run around scared of their critics or thoughts. When his mother of all people ignored the letter and continued to write him at his work email.
Well, guess what… Did he answer you?? No he didnt. He ignores you most of the time and if he does write back im sure you dont get some sentimental genuine email from him.
Why did you do it?
You wanted to show me you could and that you were someone special????
Of Coarse your special, you’re his mother and he loves you but why do you act as if his wishes are not important compared to your wants?
When will you learn that he would give you more time if you did it the way he wanted?
This is when i decided i was going to step up and show them who is the woman of my household and next time something is asked of me or to me i will make sure i dont sugar coat things to make your guys feel better about yourselves because you obviously dont care about my wants. Like me wanting a husband who comes home happy instead of stressed and yells at me about how theres another birthday or event we need to go to and hes not sure when it is or what he needs to bring because the email came to his work and now we cant check it at home and he doesnt or cant remember anything about it……

Ladies of the house, please understand i DID NOT WRITE THAT LETTER Without my  HUSBANDS KNOWLEDGE. as a matter of fact he proof read it and told me to send it. I dont do anything without my husband approving of it first when it comes to his family because we both understand that its better to not stir the pot around them and because Tim doesnt want to feel criticized all the time. Just so you know, HE DOES.
He doesnt feel close to you and he feels you always criticize him and when i asked him why he didnt try opening up to you guys and maybe seek advice, his exact answer was..
” my family and i are not close, I will not share my thoughts and life with L because then everyone in the family will know”.
I said what do you mean? you feel your mother is going to tell everyone your business.”?
He said “Yes”. This is sad to me, and I want you to know that this is the reason your son is not close to you. In case you didnt get it by now, you raised a VERY SENSITIVE boy who takes everything to heart and when something is done to him, even something as little as disagreeing or trying to give him a different perspective on a subject, he feels not good enough, not trusted, unloved, and criticized. That’s why he didnt tell you about proposing to me, thats why he hasnt talked to anyone about his diagnosis of severe sexual addiction and thats why even now that we are living separately, you havent heard it from him. I mean think about it. Your son is 29 years old and he has NEVER been on his own. This is actually his first place and he hasn’t invited you over….. Maybe this is something to think about. I know im coming off strong because i feel very protective of my husband now, like i need to be there with a shield and sword to protect him from negative energy but really his sister since i have met her has only tried to not think about herself on his wedding when she was very cordial and cried. She also tried once with me by inviting me to her birthday where i held her hair and button her pants and brought her water and made sure she looked proper and didn’t make a fool out of herself while she was puking in the restroom. But does this matter, NO and you know why, because i guess i forgot to invite her to my birthday party and has ignored me every since and let me know she was mad by taking herself off our facebook.????????????/ Really? are you serious?and his mother comes at me telling me her daughters issues, instead of telling her daughter to GROW THE FUCK UP. I wonder if the reason tim has such a hard time communicating is because his mother always got involved and played mediator so that Tim never had to learn effectively how to argue or express his feelings? maybe thats why his sister doesn’t know how to be happy for anyone else but herself, and maybe thats why im the scapegoat for everyone…..
But you learned didn’t you. you came too close to the fire and got burned. I told you he didnt want to be emailed at work and that he was busy but no one believes me

SPECIAL NOTE- MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT HIS MOTHER AND MORE MEMORIES SHARED WITH ME. WHAT I DESCRIBED IN HERE ABOUT HIS MOTHER WAS NOT EVEN AS FROSTING ON THE CAKE. SHE PLAYED A HUGE ROLE IN HIS SEXUAL ADDICTION AND AVOIDANCE HABIT. ILL DESCRIBE LATER

>Let me Back it up

>So
before I decide to go any further, I think it’s only fair I do a little bashing on my side of the family to even the score. This is in no way intended to be “one sided” or exaggerated. This is MY LIFE, as I have lived it, SEEN it, and FELT it.

It’s hard on many levels to really describe in detail the “psycho-ness” of my family. To meet them in person is still not enough to fully get a grasp on their thinking or logic. The only way to describe my immediate family is to ask you “Have you ever known a person who showed signs of excessive drug use…. The person you knew in high school who was somewhat normal but you knew if they didn’t stop they would lose some brain cells along the way…. and sure enough years later, they’re just not all there”? Okay…, now I want you to take that same person and imagine them finding a Christian church and cleaning up and never touching drugs again. Do you understand how these two descriptions come together?
Me neither, because they don’t.
All you have when you get the two is a Jesus freak with less brain cells and maybe a more appreciative spirit. Now don’t get me wrong, I too am a Jesus freak, but I feel I still have most of brain cells and I have been lucky to continue down the road I once stopped at. For my parents, it’s as if they started doing drugs at the age of 12 and once they stopped and found the Lord, they too started right back at 12 but never understood why they were the tallest ones in class and never wondered if they should finish school…

My Step Father is probably most normal between the two even though growing up I hated him and felt as if he wanted me to never have fun or get a little dirty, which is the reason for me moving out at 16. We would just fight and fight and fight. I was not allowed to do anything with my friends ever and so I lied about it and lied and got caught and got caught. It was a cycle but we get along better now that I’m out of the house and for a short while I worked with him to help myself and him out. This was a mistake because we have total different opinions and thinking processes. Personally, if I ever own a business, I will allow my employees to look at the Internet and go online IF and ONLY IF, everything in the office is done. I will do this because I don’t need employees falling asleep or looking unproductive if a customer does come in. My dad couldn’t understand this way of thinking and would rather I stay in a chair looking at the ceiling falling over asleep, then chatting or getting online to look around. He said if I got on the Internet, I was STEALING from the company?????  I’m sorry, but I had nothing else that could be done. I had already cleaned the office; re organized the files, created schedules, and wrote corporate min… I mean seriously everything was done. So I would just fall asleep in my chair and he would get made at that two. Then one day I remember telling him I was taking some days off. He said that was fine but when he found out I was going to Japan, it suddenly was not ok that I took the time off and he wanted to tell me I had no vacation time. I told him that was fine I was going to Japan with or without vacation pay. This didn’t sit well either. Then weeks before I went to Japan I brought some books on learning Japanese to the office to study when there was anything to do and he said THAT WAS STEALING FROM THE COMPANY TOO, because I was researching things for my time off????????????????? I said so if I read a book that has nothing to do with Japan its OK? He said YES…. OMG!!!  There are several more stories like this but I think you have an idea of our relationship, and that position was laid to rest shortly after…

My sister is product of my mother with a worse attitude. I love her to death and there are moments when I look at her and wonder if she understands the family in which we have arrived and I wonder if she is naive or just content. Sometimes I wonder between her husband and child at the age of 21, if she even has time or the energy to think that hard.
Anyways she almost identical to my mother except she is better at speaking and handling her emotions. The only emotion she is not good at is anger but lately I think because she has a three year old, she has made improvements.

MY MOTHER is SCARY. I really truly feel sorry for her, and her inability to see outside herself and try and make improvements. NOT for anyone like myself or my dad, but for herself and her own happiness. My mother is paranoid psychophrenic  who was molested and mentally abused and never received treatment. Actually, add 10 to 12 years of cocaine use to that mix and now you have my mother. She probably has the IQ of a 16 year old, emotional skills of a 6 year old, and communication skills of a 30 year old. I love my mother but have learned over time I need to love her from afar because I get burned when I get too close. WE butt heads and honestly I am/was so much like her that I knew if I kept hanging out at my families I would be my mother’s duplicate. There are many gifts I received from my spaz of a mother, like, my creativity is off the chain. I really can make something from nothing and anything from something, I can also communicate honestly and am in touch with every emotion and feeling I have in my body. I also like to think I am very pretty which comes from my mother and grandmother. They are beautiful. But for the good things I received from her I received double the bad. Like my inability to speak calmly when I am feeling very hurt or upset. Our Voices carry to began with and when we start yelling it’s an eviction waiting to happen. I don’t yell to get people to listen. I yell because it feels good to me and it’s like someone smoking a cigarette or punching a wall. I just feel I need to. I also am paranoid of driving in cars and I don’t trust men for the life of me. I also live to eat instead of eat to live and Worst of all, My inability to live on my own without a man and stick with him even if I am deathly unhappy and my body can’t go on any further, is probably one of my favorites.. Oh did I mention we have no tact and were very blunt and from what I’m starting to realize recently, we may be a bit overbearing or critical sounding even if we don’t mean to.

SO yeah… I have been in counseling from 3 years now and I’m very aware it will be several more years before I can look in a mirror and not see my mother.
I will say though… with all those problems my family possess, it stills blows my mind that I can think of us as a healthier family next to my husbands. Maybe it’s because all our problems are noticeable and we don’t pretend to hide them or manipulate you into thinking any different about us or like us. WE have good hearts within and we have forgiving and ungrudging/non judgemental spirits. Like I said before I think it’s because we know we have problems that we don’t judge others and I’m sure it’s our belief in Jesus Christ that keeps us from treating others in a manner that we would detest because we know people get what they give in the end.

If any of the family members come across this blog and feel hurt or betrayed, I do apologize for the hurt my opinion has caused but keep in mind that one’s feelings do not describe a person because it is their actions that give them their image and presence. With all my negative feelings or disappointment/resentment you may hear in my blogs I have never treated anyone in my family the way I have wanted to or thought of. I actually don’t have a revengeful bone in my body and when people hurt me I tend to cry about it and move on. The only person that matters is Jesus Christ anyways because we live and die alone. This blog and any other won’t matter in the long run and we all will have to answer to God.

>FAMILY continued…

>

that was intense!!!! Dang Karla,….lol I didnt even know or understand where that comment came from…lol its probably my fault since i dont spell check or use any type of rule of thumb or grammar procedure so im sure its hard to read my blogs sometimes.

I was trying to explain the difference and the importance of having “family” in your life. i cant imagine how many embarrassing moments I would have found myself in if i didnt have family to explain to me all of life’s little quirks to prepare me for inevitable. For Tim, this was and is not the case. Im slowly starting to realize that his family counted on his baseball couch to be his “life counselor” as well. His family never sat him down to even try and bother with talks of woman and men and how each has and plays an important role. He also says he remembers his family being very “hush hush” about most things that pertained to sex or relationships and so he continued to go without any real relationships most of his school years and gave his all to the sport of baseball. Its sad that someone like me would look at someone like tim and think he had it all. I mean on the outside he was a good looking white kid who came from middle class working parents. On the inside, he was being neglected and emotionally and physically starved. Tim says he first started masturbating at the age of 7. Now this might not seem weird to some but his sister has a young boy who will be 7 next year and thats totally just disgusting when i think about it in those terms.  He said he remembers his mother would just leave him in his room for long periods of time and he found out one day it felt good to play with himself, and eventually being alone wasnt so bad anymore. Now moving on

 Im not sure if i mentioned how Tims family played a role in my life for the first 3 years of our relationship? NO…..? I didnt say, you say?

Well that’s because i was instantly BANNED and NOT invited or Welcomed to any family functions or gatherings.Why? well, because his Sister found out through her fiance’s friend that i was a STRIPPER!!!

O…M….G! i know, the terror of it all, really. So she became jealous and insecure causing a wave of insecurity within the woman of his family and they must have taken a hand vote when tim and I werent there because instantly I was voted out. No questions asked. Its a very weird feeling to know your husband is going over to his families house for a Holiday and you cant come with him because your NOT invited and you were informed you make the woman uncomfortable????? UNCOMFORTABLE???? As if i wanted to come over and take my clothes off, while rubbing my breasts in their faces and collecting dollar bills, ….. PLEASE… and while im being banned, i find it funny im looked or frowned on because of my job yet TIM is the one who met me there!! I mean, i would have No job if it werent for guys like Tim coming in and spending money. But Nooooo, nothing of that sort was ever mentioned because they would be admitting fault or imperfection and they cant tolerate anything out of the Norm. So i dont think i need to explain how hurt I was and how confused i was when i would run into one of the them or all of them dropping tim off or gathering my things in time to leave before an event started. Id have to say the worst of them all was his sister.

I really dont want to go into the issues that each person has but i do find it important to let you understand she is the kind of person that walks around, wanting someone to know she doesnt like them. It doesnt just make her happy to talk the family into not inviting me to a function but she has to stare you down, roll her eyes, ignore, blah blah. This usually doesnt get to me but i dont understand why she never gave me a chance. she never even tried to get to know me. I felt and still do feel sorry for her. Its people like that who want to bring other people down to try and feel better about themselves. I watched her try to keep me from feeling welcomed and i think she thought her brother would some how want to get rid of me for her own personal well being. WRONG…. Here i am. I’m not going anywhere. Your games are getting old and tiring. Your 3o something years old. Its about time to just let your brother be happy and start feeling happy for him when hes happy. Even if that means sacrificing your happiness for 2 seconds. Yes it hurt when his mother, Aunt and grandmother acted disgusted by my presence too but to me, i understood that its a different time now then it was back then and things are more openly discussed and that its a gradual change that can take some people by storm if your not keeping up. Plus , none of them went out of their way to hate me besides her. Plus Karma was around the corner when one day Tim finally told his family if i wasnt invited, he wasnt coming and i could tell when tim told them he had popped the question to me and I said YES, that his sister was shocked it wasnt her and her fiance having this announcement first….

OH man i wish i could explain to you how internally Joyous this day was for me on two levels. One I’m getting married to the man i LOVE and two , I WON BITCHES!!!!!!!! YUP that’s Right i won!!!!!!!! Of coarse i would never say that in public but I’m sure my smile said it all as they each came up and hugged me and tried to vomit the words congratulations.. HAHAHA I think what effected me most was how much of a Traumatic change they made over night with how “uncomfortable” they were and all. Boy did they get comfortable fast and I dont know if they thought i wouldn’t notice or remember but I feel everyone ignored the big white elephant in the room, the one named “apologizing” and swept it under the rug where all their problems went that they didnt know how to deal with. I allowed this because it wasn’t worth my time, my husband was the most important to me and i must have been doing something right for him to want to stay
My family is completely different…. Id have to say the biggest difference from my family to his, is our communication skills. My family is all about our emotions and feelings. We have no problem expressing them or talkin about them no matter how mundane or repetitive. My family also understands we come from a blood line of “Fuck ups” and addicts. I think all of us at one point or another had to fall on our ass in order to want to finally pick ourselves up. Because of this knowledge and awareness we tend to judge less quickly and see a persons potential instead of their downfall. This was in Tims favor since my family took him back with open arms each time i did. There was never any mention of how he was only a pizza delivery boy and that at 26 was still living with his father. My family never treated him in a way that would make him feel judged or belittled. I think thats the same reason i could get over the fact he had done so much wrong to me and keep coming back for more. Its like i didnt see the Tim that was doing God awful selfish things to me but saw the one day, incredible Father, good husband and future Best friend.

However Its this thinking that has caused me to be up right now at 1 in the morning on a Tuesday writing about my disappointment in my marriage and with men. So yeah, the first three years of our relationship was rocky but add a little “judgemental family” with a side of “hypocritical views” and you have yourself a stew that will keep you full and bloated for years.

NOW his dad is an interesting fellow, Im still trying to understand their relationship. The story goes, Tims father was very critical of him and how he did things. Tim tells me he remembers never feeling good enough and remembers his Father losing his cool if something went wrong or different from what his father had planned. Tim also says, his father made him feel like he couldn’t do something unless it was done his fathers way. Lucky for Tim he had a natural skill and athleticism that would grant him his full ride to college thru the game of baseball to give his dad something to be happy about. But growing up poor tim was mostly left alone in his room to make due with his surroundings to keep him company while both his mother and father worked or just didnt see the importance of spending quality time that didnt consist of telling him how to live his life. This is what would soon lead to Tims adult sexual addiction and his emotional anxiety and rage. Since meeting tim, he has expressed to me his fear of becoming like his father. This is normal to all children and even I myself once encouraged the thought of being completely different. This bubbled was burst fairly quickly after realizing I couldn’t pretend to not feel a certain way about things I could only chose to react differently

So back to his father. You could tell his father felt torn in the beginning deciding whether to listen to his daughter or his son. He allowed me a fair chance and to be honest, was very patient with me in the beginning. Im sure he thought i was the crazy and probably wanted to turn me in to a mental hospital that would keep me away from stalking his son at nights and finding me on his front lawn asleep in my car. Yes, i did that, i would sleep in my car to stalk Tim. I would play music loud for him to hear thru his windows, and i would sneak in his windows to have sex with him and crawl out super early before his dad got up and saw me. If your reading this i appreciate all your patients…lol  =)

I think my biggest grudge with his family is their ignorance for their sons emotional and mental well being. I know this is partial Tims fault for not coming to them and asking for help, but i feel if they were paying attention to their sons life they would know him by now and realize Tim will do anything before he ask for help so as adults i wish they would try harder to get it out of him and teach him its Ok to express feelings other than happiness. Poor tim, when we go to counseling, he has such a hard time talking about himself and his emotions the therapist hands tim a chart with several different smiley faces on it so tim can try and pin point through visualization which emotion he may have. Tim has made several improvements in the last 2 years as well as the biggest one, his ability to flip his emotional switch when he started feeling hard to swallow emotions, that brought up feelings of unfinished business as a child

Ok i should sleep… more coming

>Im afraid to even say the word….. FAMILY

>

Image via Wikipedia

Yes, I know, I dont want to have to go there either but that’s the next page in my life that i must discuss with you, no matter how screwed up and tragic it may be. Im actually surprised I didnt bring it up sooner because to be honest some of these events came before the new girls.

Family, or should i say the people who share the same blood as Tim have played an important role in my life and yet I try not to think about them as necessary or important, or at least i didnt.

I must quickly add this smart ass remark before i go any further because knowing them (tim’s family) they are keeping up with all my pages so that they can call one another and gossip for hours about how inappropriate and immature i am, and how Tim belongs with someone sooooo much better. Actually Im almost positive that either his witch of a sister “K” found my page first and emailed her mother who emailed her aunt or something along those lines. Really the men of that family arent so bad. The Men are pretty damn cool in my book, except his father. Its not that hes not cool, but hes on a whole different level and i consider him a different family. Its like we have Chanels Family, Tims family and his dad…. lol. i dont know why this is, it just is.. you will see later.

Ok so what i wanted to say was Im not trying to offend anyone in this blog or hurt anyones feelings but this is MY LIFE, how I SEE IT and how I HAVE FELT THINGS. So please try and PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES.

Ok so i needed to add that tid bit because im going to explain why i have such a hard time calling Tims blood line his Family. Family means different things to different people and in my opinion “Family” is not always the people who share your blood, they are the ones who except, love, try to understand, hold out their hands and love you no matter what because it makes them happy to love you, not because they have to. Family comes to you before you have to go to them to make sure your OK. Family is also in my opinion your number one source for information on life, love, and everything else. I believe you should have some of your most personal conversations with your family BECAUSE you are a product of your environment (family) and most likely you guys will/ should have the same opinions and reactions, and in the case you consider a family neighbor of a friends parent or someone not related to you as your family, this rule prob still applies because your either spending so much time with them or you respect them and look up to them so you will find yourself being like them or learning from them. It makes no sense or should i say it makes less sense to ask a friend about personal questions because they didnt grow up the way you did and they wont react or feel the same way. For instance, I talk to my mother and grandmother about porn. I know this is weird to some, but i do this because i know I got my insecurities of it from my mother. My mother talks to me about how she came about feeling negative about it and informed me of personal things that happened in her life. Now i can chose to use this as my reasoning behind my actions and thoughts, or i can get a second opinion and thats why i go to my Grandma. Not only is she beautiful but my mother says she has no problem being around porn and that her insecurities did not come from her mother so this is perfect for me to get another side of things. My GMA is so understanding and wise and she talks to me about how its not important in the scheme of life and how I can not go judging myself based on every porn my husband has ever watched or thought of. Anyways im losing track. The reason i go to them instead of my friends is because i know im half like my mother and sometimes like my Gma, because i was raised by both at different times. So i know that both my need to understand why i feel a certain way about a subject will be met and why i will react a certain way will be understood as well. Just so you know i dont believe family is always right and thats the reason i didnt say, the answer to how something should be will be given, because family cant give you the right answer to how you should be or feel, they can only tell you about themselves and why they do it and its up to us as adults to accept their reasoning as our own or to say “you know, i think there’s more to this” and do your own investigations

give me a second to pee

>You make me….

>    Yesterday my husband of 3 years moved out.

I will admit this was somewhat done on a mutual basis, but until he actually started taking boxes to his truck, it had not hit the depths of my heart. I had no idea how much emotion and anxiety i was holding inside until i allowed the first tear to steam down my cheek. At that point I felt somewhat faint and began to hyperventilate until finally the first sound of a cry came out of my lungs and into the empty living room that was once ours…..

How could I have let it get this far? Why was I not doing what I normally did when this would occur? Was he feeling the same way i was??

u
I had found things before November that were hurtful if not more devastating then this last renegade. Plus i felt as if i was starting to become more understanding and use to it. I mean if you really break it down to simple terms, is it bad that your husband wants to jack off everywhere at anytime for anyone to see or partake? I hadnt caught him paying for sex yet? I had heard of womens’husbands cheating on them with several different women even with the big house, beautiful children and even the white fence with dog… I mean I felt sorry for them before i would ever consider feeling sorry for myself. Who was I trying to fool with my excuses, and fantasy land practiced lines. Truth is, you knew more about him then he would ever tell you or want you to know, and it doesnt just stop or start here. Really if I write it down on paper it would look something like this

November 3 2003.
Go into work like any other night only to find it completely dead and boring. Two young guys walk into the club and sit down and immediately several girls flack over to try and snag the kill. Young guys weren’t my type nor did they have the money i was looking for but they were cute and it probably would kill some time until the regulars would show up and want a dance. I walked by after all the other women were turned down and just decided they would keep my company.

“HI, Im Karma, Its boring in here right now so your my victim and you have to keep my company”.
Chuckling- ” Im Tim “
“Hi Tim, besides checking out tits and ass, tell me about yourself.”

He started telling me how he graduated from Milken (my rival school) and worked as a driver for a pizza place. I hadnt heard of the place but before stripping was planning on attending the college right next store. At the time i was sleeping with my abusive ex boyfriend for a place to live but so desperately wanted a way out. I know what your thinking, why didnt i just get my own place? I had a couple before but always seemed to have different men over every night or friends sleep over so that i was occupied and unavailable mentally to understand who i was. Plus the pile of Coke i kept above my washer and dryer didnt help the fact that i was 18, dancing, running from an abusive boyfriend while calling him over to sleep with me and looking for my purpose in life while my vagina was engulfing any mans anatomy. But of coarse at this point in my life i would have never of admitted it to you, even though inside I knew what i had become and what i was destintined to be, “Co dependent”.

Even though Tim had told me he didnt have the money for a VIP dance he after i had left his side he managed to find the money and pull me aside to shyly ask if I would give him a dance even though he turned me down earlier…

In the VIP i dont remember much and what i do remember is a blurr. But I remember being embarrassed to really give him a “good” Dance and for some reason felt somewhat shy in his presence. I thought i was learning more about him as his penis grew and gave me an estimated measurement. It was nice, I could tell and the fact that i was instantly attracted to him did not help but what surprised me more than anything else was the fact that I actually showed up to his place of work after he invited me as he was leaving the club.

Shyly- “I dont know if you would be interested but I would really enjoy it if you came into my work and ill make you a pizza”
chuckling I answered- ” Yeah, OK”

even though I never met any man outside of the club and wasn’t about to say “No” in case he wanted to become a pattenial regular.

As I pulled up to the pizza joint, parking far away so he would not see the big blue boat I drove, I instantly caught his eye as i shut my door and could see his smile from across the parking lot. At that point I saw two other guys come to his side and start to smile as they starred at me walk into the store.

“I didnt think you were going to show up”
” I told you I would and I always keep my promises”

After pizza he had to get back to work and invited me to go to the desert at 4 in the morning. I don’t consider myself High maintenance but unless I was using drugs there was no way i would ever be awake or decide to wake up that early but again I said “yes” and again I did get out of bed, very quietly, so as to not wake up my boyfriend, and scurried out the door to meet him at his house. Right away I felt he was a “good boy” with his dad owning a nice 3 bd rm house in the middle of a nice neighborhood. I walked into his room quietly and looked around at all his motocross posters and baseball trophies. This was definitely what i had been looking for…. “Stability”. Later that day I made sure to leave my mark by fucking him the way i knew, the way I had trained and the way he would remember…It had never failed me before and I was confident it wouldn’t this time. I was right, and from then on came the series of events to take place

Novemeber 15 2003
He tells me he wants me for himself and does not want to see other people, i agree.
Novemeber 18 2003
His girlfriend at the time (We will call her G1-short for Girl #1 to interfere in my plans to make this man mine)celebrates her birthday with his dick in her, realizing something was not right when he was having trouble being intimate..
December 7 2003
I see Tim later on at night and he kisses me softly as I go and celebrate my 19 birthday with some girlfriends only to end up in a horrific car accident on my way home.
December 8 2003
Tim rushes by myself to be with me at the hospital as my parents walk in. I dont have a regular relationship with my parents considering i moved out at 16 but I know they love me.
When they saw tim holding my hand as I was strapped to the bed my dad walks in and immediately asks

“Who are you” directing his question at Tim
“Hi im Tim, Im seeing your daughter”

They release me from the hospital and when it is discovered that it is raining outside, Tim rushes to take off his size 11 shoes and put them on my size 7 feet so that I dont walk in any puddles, and as he put his coat around my shoulders I could tell he left an impression on my dad who was smiling and my mother who was “aaawwwwing”He showed up at my parents house and I slept on his knee as i recovered from the accident

Christmas- I go to his families house only to be starred at and made very uncomfortable.

Sometime after that- We get drunk at his friends house as his phone rings. It her, G1, and she wants him to pick her up because she is in Long Beach. I find out he has not broken up completely with his girlfriend and politely grab the phone from him and tell her if she is drunk and needs help we will pick her up together. She did not like this answer….

later I yell at Tim asking him why he has not told her about me and how could he have lied to me when he has been having sex with me everyday and I have been practically living at his house. I can not remember the excuse he told me at that time but he seemed sincere enough for me to keep going

2004- I meet most of his friends and he tells me he is going to Vegas for an all Guys party and will be back. I believe him and buy him an expensive dress shirt and slacks so he will look nice in Vegas and was careful to not show him my insecurity about him leaving with all men.

Couple days later- He calls my parents house asking for me but I am not there, my mother hears a girls voice in the backroung of his call and immediadently calls me to tell me that Tim called and that she heard a women’s voice. I find out Tim was the only one to not take his girlfriend on the trip and tells me the excuse it was because I had not turned 21 yet and didnt want me to have a boring time
Tim comes home from Vegas- I find lipstick on his collar

Next Month- We go out to eat and as I puke in the back of an alley, after drinking too much, He rushes to my side with a box of Kleenex. I hug him and whisper in his ear that I love him. To this he tells me I am drunk and I repeat myself so he understands I am serious. He looks at me in my eyes and tells me ” I love you too”

I find an aparmtne and immediately Tim moves in with me. Life is great. Sex is awesome and I have been sober for longer then ever before I started dancing.
One night I decide to let an old friend over to my new place where he gives me a line of Coke. At that point I could not stop and when Tim called to ask me what we wanted to do later that night, I told him I was going to call it a night and go to bed. He said he was going to too
Later that night Tim comes by and sees that there is another man at my house and starts yelling at my door. As I look outside there is his friend Jon and his girlfriend Christine but there was also one other girl in the back of the vehicle. I give tim the guitar I bought him only two days before on Valentines day.
This was the only thing he wanted as he stormed out of my driveway.

After that i went back to my old ways and was Coked up most of the time. I never heard from Tim but the story goes when Jons girlfriend heard i wouldn’t be coming to the movies she invited a girlfriend to keep Tim company and Tim appreciated the gesture. He also started dating this girl after our fight and she happens to live at the end of my block in a frat house. I also hear he likes her big tits….

Months go by and I dont ever think about Tim until one day I check my messages to hear Tims voice tell me to call him back. My heart pounds and I make sure to get cleaned up and dressed before we meet to give him back his Walkman. I knew this was an excuse to see me and i was going to take the opportunity to make sure i planted my seed right back in his life

I dont remember when i started getting suspicious but there were events that caused me to check his email one night. Maybe it was the fact I never understood why he was upset at me doing coke and lying about it but that he never admitted his friends Jon and Christine were trying to hook him up with someone else that night and he took the offer only to probably be disappointed and show up at my house at the wrong time that night. What ever it was I ended up finding several letters from G1 in his email box, talking about how she misses him and had fun going out to eat with him after school. I didnt understand this because Tim and I had been back on for several months and my life was sober and good again. Our sex was better than ever and I was making all the right moves to have him fall for me. I mean really that’s all I ever wanted was to find a man that would love me enough to ask me to marry him and take care of me and be there for me whenever I needed. Right? wasnt that what ever girl was destined to do. Find Husband, Make Babies, Be sexy, Give Sex….

What was I doing wrong?

To be continued