>Was I Perfect?

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I think NOT!
During the six years of relationship I was far from perfect. Do I blame the complete demise of my relationship on my husband. No! but to understand where the difference lies you would need to know the difference between our addictions….

I have been diagnosed with LOVE, SEX, and DRUG addictions.
and to understand those addiction you first need to understand what an addiction is.
Yes, i know you THINK you know because you had the word for a spelling test in 4th grade, but the real, “true” definition is a little different than what’s printed in Websters dictionary.
Addiction is a “failure to bond”. ” The addiction takes place of a human bond. In this way, addiction becomes a relationship. In essence, addiction replaces human connection.”
So One: Addiction is a love relationship. It becomes the primary bond. With an increased understanding of family and cultural trauma we can see how an addiction substitutes for the warmth and pleasure of a loving relationship
Sex and Love addiction is not about either love or sex. It is about control, fear and shame. I find myself addicted to relationships, because of hidden fears and shame driving my relational behaviors. “You will consciously or unconsciously work to control someone else’s behavior or ideas about you in an effort to secure love. In an effort to avoid abandonment or engulfment, love gets twisted into emotional quicksand.

I have HUGE control issues. I never really saw them or acknowledged them until recently, when I was explaining to my councilor that I had supported my husband and our lifestyle since we had met. I explained sometimes it was easy, like when i was dancing and making thousands of dollars a night. Other times, it was much harder, like when i worked 40 hours for Toyota and still managed to pull in 35 hours at the bar, bartending. I would come home from those nights exhausted and Tim would still roll over at 6am and try to be intimate, when i just fell asleep two hours ago. We had many arguements during that time about the whose responsibilty it was to make sure the house was clean if I was the one working 75 hours a week, i needed to depend on him to keep the house clean. It was so hard explaining to a man that he needs to take on a womens role if the women is acting as the man. I dont recommend that conversation to anyone…lol
So as i was saying, my counselor, Tracy, asked me “why?”. I didnt understand her question, what did she mean “Why?”
She explained… “Why did you work so hard and why did you pay for your guy’s bills and why did you feel it was your responsibility?”
 I had never really thought about it. I just took it into my own hands. I remember telling her that i felt Tim wasnt taking the initiative and so there I was, left to take it on.
Then she asked me a really good question….”Why dont you quit your job and find out whether or not Tim would take on the responsibilty?”
WOW, this really, really struck a nerve in my system because i remember thinking at that moment… “Are you kidding me”? She wants me to quit my job and depend on this man who cant even help me during tax season to pay for my life and give me the things I need…. NO WAY< NO HOW
Then she explained that YES, Tim should have taken the role if he wanted to play the role, (like he once told me he did), but that if I was not letting go of the role, it would be hard for a man to adjust after not being the provider for so long. 
I remember the words of mother circling my head “CHANEL, NEVER DEPEND ON A MAN!” “NEVER”, “ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU CAN DO IT YOURSELF”, “ITS OKAY TO LOVE A MAN, BUT NEVER DEPEND ON HIM”

I had never been without a job since I was 13. I’ve always made more cash and Ive always felt it was my responsibilty to make sure my needs and wants were met. But this can get in the way, of a man, taking on the role of a man, if you talk about the expectations of the other.
I guess I always thought, if Tim wanted to be the provider, he would just tell me so and but in and take over. But now that i think about it, I put us in a situation where he couldnt provide, even if he wanted to. Our rent alone was 1500.00, plus my car 350.00, our utilities, 200.00, cell 100.00, groceries, 500.00, dining out 300, presents for family, 150.00, gas 700.00 (for both), household products 100.00, car insurance 500.00 (every 3 months), medical 100.00, and God for bid something happen to one of us or our cars cause Tim still needed to invest in his 401k. When i think about it, I realize, I created these lavish lifestyles for us because I could, and because I knew he COULDNT. It was my way of keeping control. My way of saying, “I can do a better job of taking care of me then you can.”

I wish i could say my control issue was my only character flaw, but it/was not. I also ran to drugs when things became unbearable for me to take, or when i felt extremely lonely. Dont get me wrong. I wasnt running to drugs everytime Tim and I had an arguement. It takes me a Long time to go over the edge because of my LOVE addcition, i tend to have a LOT of patients and I try to empathize with everyone but myself. During our relationship I ran to drugs a total of four times. We were/have been together for 6 years. So I started doing cocaine with in 4 months of our relationship after he lied to me about Vegas, his ex, and the porn. I felt lonely but wasnt strong enough to let him go. He dumped me, and i thought i would never see him again because none of my relationships had ever been “on and off”. So i continued on with my life, to find him calling one month later, got back with him and was sober for 2 years after that. Then lie after lie after lie and I ran back to drugs again. This time instead of cocaine i went for meth. I liked meth because it didnt make me paranoid like the coke. I did Meth for about 4 months. Tim left and came back 4 months later, or I should say, decided to be with only 1 girl, and I was sober again. for 2 years. Then right before our wedding I ran back to Meth because of the intense situations i was once again put in and quit the day before my wedding, only doing the drugs for another 4 months. Stayed clean for almost three years and started back 5 months ago.
One of the sexiest things about my husband is his ability to be sober through life. I knew i could never be with a man who wanted to be “high” all the time because i would have a hard time encouraging myself to remain sober. So even though we had fights over the addiction, i always appreciated his view.

I also am a SCREAMER!!!!. and i dont just mean i raise my voice. I learned from my mother it was Okay, to yell at someone if you were frusterated or had the feeling you weren’t being heard. I have been yelling my whole life, and not because i feel im belittling or want to belittle anyone, but because i feel better when i yell. Some people, like Tim, take their anger out on bedroom walls, car doors, or living room furniture, I personally like taking my anger out on the air. I just yell and feel better. I wish people understood, but Tim grew up in a family where you were not allowed to share emotions that were negative or might “stir the pot” so he grew up in a family that never yelled. So when i yelled it quickly set him off either in a rage or off into another world where he was too high to pull back down to earth.
It was only before we moved in with his father ( 2 years ago) that i learned to keep my voice down when i was angry.

I also have a HUGE attention problem. I read it described best in this book i have been reading by Kelly McDaniel, she writes, “I never felt beautiful, so I always needed to find a way to make a man notice me. Sometimes I could do this by the way I dressed or by being flirtatious. Sometimes. I used intelligence. When I got a mans attention , I felt better….more powerful. More like me. The intensity of a mans attention was intoxication, without it, I didnt know myself. and I couldnt function very well. From the attention I gained energy and strength. I felt like a woman because i was wanted. But i never felt safe.”
Because I had this problem with attracting attention, there were many situations were I would give a man my phone number, or take his. I would ALWAYS come home and tell Tim what I had done, which usually sounded like ” Honey”
“Yes Sweetie, what’s wrong”
“Nothing I just need to tell you something”
“What did you do?”
“I just want you to know that i got the number of some guy tonight, i dont even know why, i just did. I dont want to keep in touch and Ill let you throw the number away, but i felt like you should know.”
“Okay, thanks for telling me.”
and that was it. I’m not saying it was right because i told the truth, Im just saying he always knew

Also, I did once get myself into a situation I shouldnt have been in by going on some guys boat and getting a bit too drunk and flashing him, causing him to think i wanted him to take off his pants. But i quickly acted like i was going to throw up, and he turned the boat back to shore with his friends and I ran home in tears and quickly told Tim what I had happened. He was pissed. I remember thinking I had really really wanted positive attention from Tim so I tried to get it somewhere else, but i never knew how to get anything but sexual attention from men. I felt so dirty, even though i hadnt cheated, i felt like i had. I emotionally did and Tim was hurt.

So as you can see. I have been no ANGEL, and im sure it was hard on my husband. I feel terribly bad for the scenes i have caused and the emotional vomit I made him walk through. I never realized I had so much wrong with me. I never really looked at myself for the answers. I just empathized with other people thinking and hoping they would find the answers… not realizing it might be with me.