“Its always the last day of summer and Ive been left out in the cold with no door to get back in…
Life passes most people by while they are making grand plans for it. Through out my lifetime I have left pieces of my heart here and there and now there is almost not enough to stay alive…
But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition, far exceeded my talent.”….
-Blow
When you fail to accept human limitation, and when you believe your uniqueness sets you apart from the same constraints as others, you enter the arena of Tragedy.
Ways such entitlement can develop:
Some people were so damaged while growing up that they came to trust no one and to regard all rules, laws and limits as applying to others and not themselves. They are often angry and well-disguised. Clinicians define these people as sociopaths or anti-social individuals.
Some people had parents who were so obsessed with them that they met all their adult needs by focusing on their child. These children, in turn, became so obsessed with themselves that they do not realize they are having an impact on others. Clinicians term these people narcissists.
Some people were so abused that they manage their anxiety with compulsive use of alcohol, drugs, sex food or gambling. their obsession and preoccupation so distort reality that they rationalize their entitled behavior. Clinicians call them addicts
Some people grew up in families of extraordinary wealth, power and fame, which insulated them from accountability and a healthy sense of human limitation. As adults, they often feel very trepidatious about the loss of their status. At the same time, they feel that the public invades their privacy and that their heritage entitles them to do whatever is necessary to meet their needs and perserve their image.
Some people, because of great talent and hard work, rise to postions of great power, such as physciians, members of the clerty or attorneys. they may see thenmselves as having worked harder, achieved more, sacrificed more and been smarter and tougher than others. Therefore, they believe that they are more deserving.
– The Betrayal Bond by Patrick J Carnes
>I know I will get bitched at later for this blog but screw it… Its my fucking blog and it upsets me that people are embarrassed of my blogs and feel as though i should not write them and air my dirty laundry to the public but I say….. THIS WAS and IS my LIFE TOO… you werent embarrassed while it was happening or while you were doing it, so you shouldnt be now. People dont usually go into a situation asking themselbes if they should be careful because someone might blog about it later but maybe they should. Celebrities have tgo do it all the time so i dont really feel that bad.
Everything you do effects someone. Somehow, someway, someone, something happens.
I was thinking of your family while writing these last few sentences and asked myself if they were in the public eye if they would have treated me the same and made the same decisions they chose?
Ive forgiven the immature decisions of your family but I have not forgotten and its been these last few weeks that have really hit me hard on just how “COLD” your family really can be.
Besides them disowning me for the first three screwed up years of our relationship I just recently sent your mother a mothers day boquet that cost me 100 Fucking dollars and never received as much as a “Thank You” from her? I mean she didnt or doesnt have to call and talk to me on the phone she could have very easily of sent a Thank You in an email…..
and she must have asked your father to mimic her because I sent your father chocolates and a miniture palm tree on Fathers day that cost me another 100 fucking dollars and the same loving response was given… NOTHING
It almost makes me feel as though i have done something wrong??????? Are they really not talking to me because I LOVE their son?
I mean really, what did i do wrong? I only married their son and took good care of him and made sure all his needs were met and even allowed him to walk all over me and lie to me and eventually leave me with everything he gave me… NOTHING!!!
except my engagement ring and wedding ring but to be fair I paid for my engagement ring
So even though i knew your family had issues that they have tried to sweep under the rug and I was very aware of how i brought out those issues and made everyone uncomfortable I still am a little shocked that even your aunt hasnt asked me if I was Okay or sent an email or anything….
I guess im shocked because out of everyone in the family i always thought she was the most normal, if there is such a thing
Donna if your reading this, im not trying to personally insult you. I really want you to know that I thought you were a breath of fresh air and a light in the dark to your family. I know you have your issues and actually we never got close enough for me to speak on the matter frankly but you and I are a lot alike.
We are both addicts and somewhat self destructive when not feeling emotionally stable.
I run to drugs and you run to food
an addiction is a failure to bond
the addiction takes the place of a personal relationship and sense im sure it was difficult for you growing up at times with how critical and judgmental VI can be im sure you didnt feel you could share yourself and ran to food to comfort you.
Maybe im wrong but I want you to know that what ever it is… or was…. continue to speak up and be the comic relief in the family. Thank you for making an effort and not being cold and hard to be around. Whether or not you talked shit when i was gone, i still think you made it easier to go to family functions and tim and I both agree that you and chad
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This was sent to me via Facebook…..
“Well,all I can say is that you cant trust anyone in that family!!!! So I find out KIm is married then she lied about oh pretty much everything up to the last day even making shit up!!! They are all crazy! ANd they always talked shit about you so dont be fooled by there deciebt,they are crazy! You seem like a sweet girl and I thought it was unfair that they always bashed you for your past and what you did for work! take care and good luck,”
I will keep the name out of the blog for respect…….
RESPECT…….
Wonder if that family understands that term. I never expected them to respect me since they have a hard enough time respecting each other and themselves..
Shame…..
I hope you guys are happy now…. Honestly if it made you feel better about your empty lives to pick on me, dont worry, i will take that beating. I will take everything you throw my way because i loved, and know Love, i will be that person for your guys, so that at nights, you can sleep better. When you look in the mirror I hope you are proud of yourselves and the decisions you have made. Dont worry about me.. im strong and im more than meets the eyes.
But now that im gone… who will you pick on?
Who will be your WELCOME rug
your punching bag
Who will take your pain……
No more scapegoat
only white elephant
only you
standing alone in the room
“Always getting together to be ALONE together”
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“Im sorry… I never meant to take you for granted. I never meant to control you.
So much i need to say and yet so much you have move forward fromI watch you… I see how you’ve recovered so much better than i ever could.
We both knew it would end up this way and we both knew you would win
You’ve always been the stronger one.
Ive always been weak.Do you think about me.. alone in the world? do you wonder how im doing?
Ive always needed you more
The days are going by
I wish i was easier on you
I wish you could have seen the real me
the one trying to love you the only way i knew
the only way i was taughtIm sorry. There is so much more i wish we would say
so much more that can be said
but nothing we havent already moved forward from.”
This was another one of those blogs that i wrote weeks ago and didnt post it. i do that often now because i realize my heart is a big fat liar.
I cant trust it
I should have never trusted it
I see this now because I went and married a man who could express his un dying love for me one second and take a vow before God and the next second throw away every picture we ever had together and not pick up a call with my number on the caller id.
How do humans do this to one another?
Im starting to think marriage is a joke.
Im not sure i want to ever get married again
Are we even friends? Can we even be friends?
Probably not is what he would tell me just to make me feel shittier
less wanted and less deserving
Im not falling for it this time
If you really dont want to ever see me again i will grant you that wish
I have done a good job healing
im recovering
I dont stalk you
i dont go over and try and persuade you to come back
I dont cry and make a sceene
These things are huge steps for me
sounds childish but thats how i got my husband to love me and propose
thats why i must let him go and be free
if he loves me then he can re propose someday
maybe down the line
we can be together again
i would only hope
but i wont hold my breath
I need to get healthy
> i wrote this draft weeks ago and hadnt re read it until today.
“Its been hard for me to gather my thoughts long enough to actually make a blog post. They are so scattered and hurt, even the most subtle thought of happier times in the past bring a whirlwind of tears and deep breaths, so intense i would rather keep myself from thinking anything at all. Of coarse in my head that is impossible so instead of not thinking of anything my brain goes into overload and thinks of so many things at once i cant actually keep up or make sense of any of it. This method works for me for a short time or at least until either my grandmother or counselor call me and ask me the dreaded question i know i must answer…
“How are you doing?, Are you Okay?, Im worried about you”.
I cant begin to explain to you how much i hate this question. Its a loaded question and stupid really because we all know IM NOT DOING GOOD. IM DOING SHITTY. ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE.
But of coarse that is not what i can say without my grandmother worrying to death about me and my counselor wanting me to walk into a clinic for inpatient treatment.
What part of what i am going through is suppose to be Okay? I mean really people… none of it is okay nor should i sit here and pretend that everything will be okay. Dont get me wrong… Im NOT saying i feel I am missing what i had and want any of it back in my life. I dont! I dont i dont i dont i dont i dont i dont……”
So much has happened in my life since then and I still find it exhausting to gather my thoughts. I read a passage in one of my books his morning that hit me hard…..
“The Romantic is addicted to ecstasy- and her yearning for rapture becomes agony as she realizes he insatiability of her desire. Seeking absolute union she comes upon the pain of separation. And feeling unable to bear this pain, she longs to forget. Thus, ultimately, the longing for merger (addiction) becomes the longing to forget….. the addiction actually helps the addict forget for a while by drawing her into unconsciousness. But eventually the addict needs more and more to forget, so much that the addictive substance or activity ceases to help. Instead, it turns her back upon herself in agony.”- Linda S Leonard
I cant begin to explain to you how well written and precise this statement is in existence with my current situation and my life as I have known it. i have struggled with this my whole life only to find myself disappointed with all my relationships and at last with myself when it is all said and done.
But this one is different. Its my marriage. Not just some random guy i tried to make it work with or someone off the streets that kept my attention. I gave this man my marriage, like my virginity I can never get it back. Part of me feels he stole it. The same way it was taken from me at age 12 by a man who was well aware of the implications i would later face from losing my innocence. Stolen and vomited on has been my story. I have never been respected or treated the way i dreamed of when i was younger because i never knew i was allowed to have boundaries when the people I have loved and cared about have personally vomited on me and ignored any boundaries I may have tried to carry. Why should my marriage be any different.
I wanted so desperately for him to love me. LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME……but it was never enough. Why would he love me now. I am nothing… I have withered myself away out of hurt and despare. I keep my addiction close by to make sure i never allow the hurt back in. In where it has manifested to something indescribable. I dont know if I have the courage to let it out.
Im so unhappy. So alone; So lonely. Longing for that one person to take it all away. Please TAKE IT AWAY. PLease Take Me away.
>My Grandmother once told me that are family is not decided by us, but chosen for us. She explained this to me as I was screaming over the phone about how frustrated I was with my mother for putting my lil sister through this dramatic situation that could have been avoided if my mother would be mature enough to seek professional help. My Grandmother reminded me that it is perfectly alright to not like, love, or respect some of your family members because unfortunately you do not chose them. I didnt understand this philosophy because as an adult you were raised your whole life to feel that blood is thicker than water and that family is there forever and blah blah blah. But as im growing and maturing I realize, If i was able to pick my family members now, as I am allowed to chose my friends, half of my family would be forgotten.
Lets be honest for second. When we chose are close friends, we really, or at least some of us, really check people out first. We listen to them, and we need them and sometimes they need us and on those terms we decide if this person is capable or if this person is even anything like us to want to tolerate them, and by tolerating them we are actually saying…. I am allowing you to fill my life with your DRAMA at times because I care and because I respect you enough to want to be there for your drama and hope you are there for mine.
I really only have a 3 people in my life i would consider to be good friends, and those people have really dealt with some of my shit and I have dealt with some of theres and i listen and put there motives together and really honestly TEST them to see if these people I want in my circle of life. I ask myself…. WHY CANT WE DO THIS WITH FAMILY. Or i should say I WISH WE COULD DO THIS WITH FAMILY.
So many of us are NOTHING like our family members and yet for some reason we are told we have to LOVE THEM and respect them. I remember posting below and talking about how i didnt feel FAMILY was your blood line, and i MEANT IT. FAMILY IS soooo much more
As an adult I would chose a mother with less baggage and drama and I would make sure she was a good role model for my lil sister and wife for my dad. As a dad I would have wanted someone that was more emotionally there for me who could see I was going the wrong way and pull my aside and talk to me about the right and wrong ways to pick up a man. My grandfather would have been someone smart enough to see I was being molested and take me away to safe place and my Uncle would have come to my wedding.
I see my husband and the pain he has for his family i wish i could explain this philosophy. See my whole life i felt not worthy in front of my step dad who constantly made me feel like i was a bad person and liar. My mother always argued with him even though it was not for me or my wants… I think she argued now to have herself be heard because i was always in trouble no matter what. Anyways my point is that i grew up feeling like i needed to prove myself to my dad and as adults if we are honest with ourselves there is always that one parent that your still trying to get your approval from. For instance, my mother does not know this or hasnt put it together yet or maybe she doesnt care but my father has always gotten bigger and better Christmas presents from me. Im talking expensive gifts…. Why do i feel i can buy his love? i dont… BUT im still seeking his approval… I see it happening and Im even blogging about it but on Fathers day i will still do it. Ill still make sure his gift is the biggest and the best.
Same goes for my husband. Because my husband knows he has my approval already he tends to treat me with less importance and try and seek his parents approval. At times this makes me jealous because i am only human but other times it makes me sad that my husband is still seeking for his unicorn, as am I.
Its not that his parents don’t approve. Im sure they think they did a fine job of showing Tim approval but they don’t understand because they are too involved in their own lives to worry about their sons. Or maybe i should be nicer and say that they are kind of too “old school” to even think that the way they decided to bring up their kids would effect them their WHOLE lives. I mean, Tim isnt the only one with issues. It says something about his sister who stayed with a man who beat her. I also see why she has gone on to always be the center of attention because if you don’t try, you dont get any….. For example my husband doesn’t try to get attention. He never has, he just sits in the sidelines and the family interprets that as, tim doesn’t want any attention. Kim, likes to get attention by either using her son, her boyfriends, or her drama or attitude, and gets a lot of attention. They figure ill give it to her because shes asking. Some families will never understand that some people feel they are a burden if they ask. Some people feel they are not worthy of extra attention. Some quietly wait on the sidelines SCREAMING in the inside for love and affection, only to be screaming their whole lives at no one but themselves.
i may continue this one or edit it later
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Image via WikipediaI think NOT!
During the six years of relationship I was far from perfect. Do I blame the complete demise of my relationship on my husband. No! but to understand where the difference lies you would need to know the difference between our addictions….
I have been diagnosed with LOVE, SEX, and DRUG addictions.
and to understand those addiction you first need to understand what an addiction is.
Yes, i know you THINK you know because you had the word for a spelling test in 4th grade, but the real, “true” definition is a little different than what’s printed in Websters dictionary.
Addiction is a “failure to bond”. ” The addiction takes place of a human bond. In this way, addiction becomes a relationship. In essence, addiction replaces human connection.”
So One: Addiction is a love relationship. It becomes the primary bond. With an increased understanding of family and cultural trauma we can see how an addiction substitutes for the warmth and pleasure of a loving relationship
Sex and Love addiction is not about either love or sex. It is about control, fear and shame. I find myself addicted to relationships, because of hidden fears and shame driving my relational behaviors. “You will consciously or unconsciously work to control someone else’s behavior or ideas about you in an effort to secure love. In an effort to avoid abandonment or engulfment, love gets twisted into emotional quicksand.
I have HUGE control issues. I never really saw them or acknowledged them until recently, when I was explaining to my councilor that I had supported my husband and our lifestyle since we had met. I explained sometimes it was easy, like when i was dancing and making thousands of dollars a night. Other times, it was much harder, like when i worked 40 hours for Toyota and still managed to pull in 35 hours at the bar, bartending. I would come home from those nights exhausted and Tim would still roll over at 6am and try to be intimate, when i just fell asleep two hours ago. We had many arguements during that time about the whose responsibilty it was to make sure the house was clean if I was the one working 75 hours a week, i needed to depend on him to keep the house clean. It was so hard explaining to a man that he needs to take on a womens role if the women is acting as the man. I dont recommend that conversation to anyone…lol
So as i was saying, my counselor, Tracy, asked me “why?”. I didnt understand her question, what did she mean “Why?”
She explained… “Why did you work so hard and why did you pay for your guy’s bills and why did you feel it was your responsibility?”
I had never really thought about it. I just took it into my own hands. I remember telling her that i felt Tim wasnt taking the initiative and so there I was, left to take it on.
Then she asked me a really good question….”Why dont you quit your job and find out whether or not Tim would take on the responsibilty?”
WOW, this really, really struck a nerve in my system because i remember thinking at that moment… “Are you kidding me”? She wants me to quit my job and depend on this man who cant even help me during tax season to pay for my life and give me the things I need…. NO WAY< NO HOW
Then she explained that YES, Tim should have taken the role if he wanted to play the role, (like he once told me he did), but that if I was not letting go of the role, it would be hard for a man to adjust after not being the provider for so long.
I remember the words of mother circling my head “CHANEL, NEVER DEPEND ON A MAN!” “NEVER”, “ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU CAN DO IT YOURSELF”, “ITS OKAY TO LOVE A MAN, BUT NEVER DEPEND ON HIM”
I had never been without a job since I was 13. I’ve always made more cash and Ive always felt it was my responsibilty to make sure my needs and wants were met. But this can get in the way, of a man, taking on the role of a man, if you talk about the expectations of the other.
I guess I always thought, if Tim wanted to be the provider, he would just tell me so and but in and take over. But now that i think about it, I put us in a situation where he couldnt provide, even if he wanted to. Our rent alone was 1500.00, plus my car 350.00, our utilities, 200.00, cell 100.00, groceries, 500.00, dining out 300, presents for family, 150.00, gas 700.00 (for both), household products 100.00, car insurance 500.00 (every 3 months), medical 100.00, and God for bid something happen to one of us or our cars cause Tim still needed to invest in his 401k. When i think about it, I realize, I created these lavish lifestyles for us because I could, and because I knew he COULDNT. It was my way of keeping control. My way of saying, “I can do a better job of taking care of me then you can.”
I wish i could say my control issue was my only character flaw, but it/was not. I also ran to drugs when things became unbearable for me to take, or when i felt extremely lonely. Dont get me wrong. I wasnt running to drugs everytime Tim and I had an arguement. It takes me a Long time to go over the edge because of my LOVE addcition, i tend to have a LOT of patients and I try to empathize with everyone but myself. During our relationship I ran to drugs a total of four times. We were/have been together for 6 years. So I started doing cocaine with in 4 months of our relationship after he lied to me about Vegas, his ex, and the porn. I felt lonely but wasnt strong enough to let him go. He dumped me, and i thought i would never see him again because none of my relationships had ever been “on and off”. So i continued on with my life, to find him calling one month later, got back with him and was sober for 2 years after that. Then lie after lie after lie and I ran back to drugs again. This time instead of cocaine i went for meth. I liked meth because it didnt make me paranoid like the coke. I did Meth for about 4 months. Tim left and came back 4 months later, or I should say, decided to be with only 1 girl, and I was sober again. for 2 years. Then right before our wedding I ran back to Meth because of the intense situations i was once again put in and quit the day before my wedding, only doing the drugs for another 4 months. Stayed clean for almost three years and started back 5 months ago.
One of the sexiest things about my husband is his ability to be sober through life. I knew i could never be with a man who wanted to be “high” all the time because i would have a hard time encouraging myself to remain sober. So even though we had fights over the addiction, i always appreciated his view.
I also am a SCREAMER!!!!. and i dont just mean i raise my voice. I learned from my mother it was Okay, to yell at someone if you were frusterated or had the feeling you weren’t being heard. I have been yelling my whole life, and not because i feel im belittling or want to belittle anyone, but because i feel better when i yell. Some people, like Tim, take their anger out on bedroom walls, car doors, or living room furniture, I personally like taking my anger out on the air. I just yell and feel better. I wish people understood, but Tim grew up in a family where you were not allowed to share emotions that were negative or might “stir the pot” so he grew up in a family that never yelled. So when i yelled it quickly set him off either in a rage or off into another world where he was too high to pull back down to earth.
It was only before we moved in with his father ( 2 years ago) that i learned to keep my voice down when i was angry.
I also have a HUGE attention problem. I read it described best in this book i have been reading by Kelly McDaniel, she writes, “I never felt beautiful, so I always needed to find a way to make a man notice me. Sometimes I could do this by the way I dressed or by being flirtatious. Sometimes. I used intelligence. When I got a mans attention , I felt better….more powerful. More like me. The intensity of a mans attention was intoxication, without it, I didnt know myself. and I couldnt function very well. From the attention I gained energy and strength. I felt like a woman because i was wanted. But i never felt safe.”
Because I had this problem with attracting attention, there were many situations were I would give a man my phone number, or take his. I would ALWAYS come home and tell Tim what I had done, which usually sounded like ” Honey”
“Yes Sweetie, what’s wrong”
“Nothing I just need to tell you something”
“What did you do?”
“I just want you to know that i got the number of some guy tonight, i dont even know why, i just did. I dont want to keep in touch and Ill let you throw the number away, but i felt like you should know.”
“Okay, thanks for telling me.”
and that was it. I’m not saying it was right because i told the truth, Im just saying he always knew
Also, I did once get myself into a situation I shouldnt have been in by going on some guys boat and getting a bit too drunk and flashing him, causing him to think i wanted him to take off his pants. But i quickly acted like i was going to throw up, and he turned the boat back to shore with his friends and I ran home in tears and quickly told Tim what I had happened. He was pissed. I remember thinking I had really really wanted positive attention from Tim so I tried to get it somewhere else, but i never knew how to get anything but sexual attention from men. I felt so dirty, even though i hadnt cheated, i felt like i had. I emotionally did and Tim was hurt.
So as you can see. I have been no ANGEL, and im sure it was hard on my husband. I feel terribly bad for the scenes i have caused and the emotional vomit I made him walk through. I never realized I had so much wrong with me. I never really looked at myself for the answers. I just empathized with other people thinking and hoping they would find the answers… not realizing it might be with me.
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The Worst decision I could have made, I did!
I dealt with this… another episode, another cause of my horrible ability to keep him happy? Maybe it was my slender, athletic, body or my large breasts, Maybe it was my beautiful Blond hair or my big brown eyes. Maybe it was my straight white teeth or my clean shaving skin, maybe it was my intellect or ability to hold a conversation about a topic other than myself, Who knows what it was that kept him always on the “prowl” but yet again their i was feeling ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly , ugly. I felt worthless, unwanted, unloved, unlovable and useless. I always tried to keep the house clean and i cooked dinner for him almost every night. I wore different lingerie and had sex with him the way no women has ever done him before. What was it? Did he really think of himself as soo much better that he had to continue looking to see if he had gotten his best. The one thing i knew about myself that i was confident in was SEX. I have grown up around it http://www.livingwithnoboundaries.blogspot.com. you can read about my past and understand how i had grown up with this sexual confidence that most women did not portray. But at last, it finally happened. The one thing i was scared would happen, the one thing i warned him about, the one thing that had only happen to me once before, it happened
>This hurt me badly because it was in plain view that he was a dog. Trying to cheat on a woman he proposed to and was about to make his wife. He also spent over a 100 dollars of his companies money in Internet porn webcaming and i watched from states away my fiance pay for conversation with a naked woman touching herself instead of calling me….
A8nt k?nO EZwA ouT! 